20 years together but i don't love him...

Posted by
on Feb 3 2017 at 09:04
Member since: 03 February 2017
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I will try to keep this short but still include everything that is going on... Met my husband 20 years ago when I was 23, was never passionately attracted to him but we got on really well. 7 months into relationship I fell pregnant, and he basically told me that he would not support me if I decided to have the baby, even though I suggested that we could make things work. We were living o/s at the time and I ended up having an abortion, we stayed together. We went back to our home country several months later, I finished my studies. I tried to not ever think about the abortion, and if I did I would convince myself I was ok. My dad died when I was 19 and my mum was still struggling so I never told her, or anyone about it, I just pushed it deep down inside. Forgot to mention that the day I had the abortion I went on my own to the hospital, and my partner met me after it was done and put me on a public bus to go home and never took any time off to stay to make sure I was ok, even though I thought i was going to die from blood loss afterwards. He never mentioned it for years unless I did. Anyway, I finished my studies and we went back o/s for another 18 months. When we got back my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and we ended up getting married so that i could have at least one of my parents at my wedding. Mum died the year after we were married. I ended up having 3 children over the next seven years, and suffered severe depression after the birth of my second child. I was suicidal but never really told my husband how bad things were. Fast forward to now and I am still suffering depression and anxiety, but I have met a man who makes me feel like gold and I don't know what to do. My husband loves me but I resent him so much for what he did to me so many years ago. There have been so many times he made me feel like rubbish as well that now I am finding it really hard to feel any love for him any more. I have not had an affair, but this other man makes my heart sing and we have a connection that i never had with my husband. My kids are 7, 9 and 11. My husband is a good man and provides for and loves his family. I have no other family for support and we do not live in our home country at the moment. Should I stay in my marriage because it's the right thing to do, or do i deserve the chance to be genuinely happy with this other man who loves me for me. He is not in a relationship atm. I am so confused. Please don't attack me, I just need advice.
Reply from
on Feb 3 2017 at 13:39
Member since: 03 February 2017
hey, after reading your story I think for you it would be better to be with a man who treats you like gold. You are clearly not happy with your marriage.

If I was in your position, I would tried to sit down and talk with my husband about all the situations and bad stuff that happened and then come to a conclusion. See nobody can tell you where you will find your happiness.

I would suggest having a deep talk with your husband first and then doing what your heart says after that. Goodluck. I hope you stay happy :)

Reply from
on Feb 4 2017 at 12:43
Member since: 04 February 2017
:-) I understand your situation, and most men love you when you are in a relationship and will treat you like gold because it's the thrill of the hunt for them. I understand your anxiety but because you married the man . Even though he treats you bad you have to tell him what been going on all these years, your thoughts, your feelings etc.he deserves that .

Now if he reacts like he still doesn't care and doesn't try to make it up to you well then choose the golden guy.

Reply from
on Feb 4 2017 at 13:40
Member since: 04 February 2017
Hi, I know how it feels to be with someone you don't love but there are kids involved so you're more or less trapped or feel you owe your other half something.

You can either carry on as you are, meeting the nicer man (not suggesting affair...) but risk your husband seeing it as something you hid from him if he finds out. He may naturally decide you're having an affair even when you're not, possibly natural reaction?

Or you can have the dreaded conversation with your husband, get everything out in the open. He can blow up and make you feel worse, or he might actually appreciate your honesty and stay amicable for his kids' sake. If he's a good man, he may be very upset but should do what's right and not turn you into the devil.

Not all men agree with the 'thrill of the hunt', including me. More men than you think long for 'the one' and put everything into a relationship for the long-term, not the thrill of the short-term. This man you've met may provide the happiness you've been longing for and probably deserve for however long you can make it last. But you need to be honest to your husband before taking anything further.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?