Why do I feel so guilty?
SLOWJOE83 - Feb 4 2017 at 14:02
I haven't felt love for my partner for over 18 months. We separated temporarily when I admitted to her 18 months ago how I felt (or didn't feel...), she went to her parents. We have a 3 yr old and without going into any details, our daughter stayed with me and I assumed primary care of her. At the time, to add to the stress, our Landlord was selling the house we were renting and soon after our 'break' started I found out the new owner was moving in so had 2 months to move. The local housing authorities rehoused me and my daughter. Soon after that my ex/partner made assurances and promises, things she hadn't made when we previously argued (don't judge me about expecting her to change etc, it's a very long story). I believed her and invited her to come 'home'. I wasn't 100% she had changed and I'd recently learnt how her family can be very forceful and vindictive, so I haven't added her on to the tenancy (naughty I know but a pre-emptive security for me). At first she stayed a few nights a week, now she's here almost permanently. The thing is, she hasn't delivered any of her assurances and now we're back to where we were before we separated 18 months ago. I have told her many times she needs to look for somewhere else to live but she knows I've given in to her several times already so she dismisses what I say. This time though, she doesn't have the right to live here and I have the right to ask her to leave immediately. But I just can't do it. Everytime I build up ready to tell her, guilt kicks in. She works but she has financial baggage and just can't afford rent even on a rented room. She's said her parents said was she couldn't go back there if we split up again but she might be lying. I just can't bring myself to ask her to leave. I know I risk getting into massive trouble because she couldn't be here, but at the same time, I risk trouble on my doorstep from her family if I just pack her bags while she's at work. She says she loves me, I don't feel it, my feelings for her haven't changed. There's no love, we just don't have anything to contribute to each other, it will eventually start to affect our daughter. I've looked after her for far too long, I shouldn't feel bad. How do I beat the guilt?
Oh it is a very long story, one I've shared on another site and been unnecessarily attacked by man-haters who don't read the post correctly.
Before we had our daughter, we agreed on many things about how we would parent her. It didn't work out that way. I'd work long days for the extra cash, come home to clean, cook, walk/feed the dog, mow the lawn, pay the bills, do the shopping etc. Now we were blessed in that our little one has slept through the night since she was 6 weeks old and she has always had two hours or more naps every day until two and a half years old. The health visitor once told me she was more concerned I had post-partum depression. I molly coddled the other half out of love, I desperately wanted our family to work, so instead of admitting I couldn't do everything, I just did. To the point where looking after her too became a chore and I lost all track of why I loved her. The love faded, we temporarily separated, she promised a change (I didn't demand a change, I'd already accepted I could no longer love the girl I met because our circumstances had changed, our lives had changed). I believed her at the time, but now I know she was just being pushed by her parents to move back out. At first it looked promising, she paid attention when I was cooking, she put the coffee machine on a few times etc, but she soon started wondering off etc, like a child losing concentration. I gave up trying and here we are.
I really do feel like I took real good care of her and she always had everything she needed (other half, not baby). If it wasn't for onlookers telling me I'm a mug, I'm too soft, I'm not right in the head, I suppose I'd never take a sideways glance at my life to realise I shouldn't be doing what I I've been doing.
She can't support herself because she won't learn how to look after money. She doesn't want to learn to cook, she's so untidy, she has never attempted gardening, she won't pick up the iron, she still doesn't know how to use the washing machine. Tell a lie, she will iron her own clothes because I refuse to. She now packs her own work lunch because I refuse to, or she skips lunch. Now, she may have been lying all along and actually knows how to do everything but doesn't because she knows I will do it anyway.
Because I sorted the finances, I know what she earns and I know she could never afford to rent as well as pay her own financial responsibilities from before we met - loan, credit cards etc. I have a bit to put by each month, but am reluctant to hand that over to her as 'support'. Frown upon that, but I'd rather use that money to provide for a 3 yr old than a 24 yr old adult.
All being said, it's sorted now. Negative comments on another site got me miffed enough to have the confidence to tell her enough was enough when she got in from work and that she had to seek alternative accommodation asap. Her first responses were "what about the cat" and "how will I get to work" which made me feel a lot less guilty than I expected to feel. She rang her parents and she's gone already...