My emotional journey until this day
AMADA - Feb 5 2017 at 22:10
I have no idea where the hell this is going, but I have to lay it on there and see for myself. This clumsy english of mine seems to be my only way out, or it might be my only way in after all. I don’t know how it’s usually done, but I have to start somewhere. So here we go. I am eighteen and I am ruined. I am just wrecked, not wrecked as in physically wrecked, but wrecked as in, I can only describe myself as a messed up assemblage of a million tiny pieces of nothingness trying to make sense in one being. I am not hurting though, I have stopped hurting a long time ago, i am not lost, I am not broken. I am just scarred, from inside out. But really it was never about the world not being good to me, but rather me not being good for the world. I go through everyday, desensitized to almost everything, reacting only from a place of rationality. Vulnerable is what I can no longer bring myself to be. I’ve been vulnerable in the past and those moments were the most excruciating times in my life, but somewhere along the road, some of them were also the best. I used to be so innocent. Kind, sweet, well behaved, a child of silence, because silence was the music of eternity, and I believed in eternity like it was the truest truth of all truths. Eternity and promises, the promise of eternity. As it turned out, I was wrong. This world has nothing to do with eternal anything. It’s always been a big bargain, and the next good deal is always going to set the previous one off.
You know these contracts that have to be signed when you come up with some arrangement in the corporate world, I am and only ever was a term on those papers. It’s okay though, because frankly now I dont know how I could be anything other than that. A term, a condition, isn’t it boring… I think it is, but I have learned that boring isn't meaningless, in my case, it’s just insignificant. Terms are to be respected, initially at the very least, but they are always just a formality, and like any formality, at some point they get tossed away or disfigured and they are two reasons for that, either they ‘re being regarded as more important and valuable than they truly are, or they’re being completely undervalued. That, of course, only stands until the next profitable opportunity.
Therefore I was there, always had to be there, trying to be more than a therm, even appearing to those around me like I was more than a term, making them and making me believe that if I was fought over, than I had to be something else. Except now I know better and some of them still don’t. I was a born with a title and a price as we all are, daughters and sons and everything in between those are the basic titles and they determine what your cost is before anything else does. And as you try to figure out what your price is, you start forgetting about your worth.
And then you shatter, it all crumbles down, because worth is real while costs and prices are shallow, and the further you step from real, the less worthy you become. Now here I say it, I became worthless. As pain took over my soul, cracks and holes were emptying me of all substance and if my mind has suffered a hit, then my body blew up several times, and that is all my responsibility. I used to have those eyes that were able to see things of beauty in everyone. Everyone but me. Feeling the way that I feel and looking the way that I do, always left me with a sour taste in my mouth. How can you be beautiful when a patchwork of a million tiny pieces of nothingness is all you are. Not only am I nothing, but I am a nothing disguised in suffering and that makes it infinitely worse because, to some extent, people are curious about pain, and «nothing» will never be a good answer.
The weirdest part about this, is you would think that being desensitized to almost everything would make me cold and detached, and you would be right except for one thing, and that is what I can’t explain, I am craving physical contact like I would crave water in the desert. I am not talking about romantic intimacy, I am talking about being held, the need of warmth and closeness. The need of protection over all, wanting to feel precious in someone’s arms as if making sense to another being was the only way I would ever make sense to myself.
My life doesn’t seem to have a purpose as it is. And everyone knows that a purposeless life is no life at all.
Here's one fact: If you thought your life was truly worthless and had given up, you would've removed yourself from this planet already. Therefore, you do not believe you are absolutely truly worthless. You believe there's something to life, but you just don't know where it is or how to get it.
I can't really give much more of an opinion of your situation, or even begin to point this way or that as guidance, because you say a lot about how you feel but nothing about how you may have come to feel this way. Nothing about your life until right now, apart from how you view as your coming to feeling worthless. Nothing concrete as having happened to you for me to remotely imagine how you could come to feeling this way. It's like me saying "I hate pizza, I used to love it but now I hate it". What happened to make me hate pizza? Did I choke on it half to death one time? Did someone force my face into a piping hot pizza one time, scarring me for life? Was I force fed it by a stepdad? Did I just decide I hate round things? Did my tastebuds change? Did I become allergic to the bread?
What events or events in your life do you think led you to feel this way? What age did you begin to feel this way? Where did you begin to feel this way? Was anyone involved in leading to you feeling this way?
I have been depressed. I've felt worthless, whilst believing surely I'm not. Surely there's better than this. In time, better came along. I don't feel worthless anymore but there are days when I ask to no-one in particular when good luck will come my way. Have I ever fallen out of a bad luck tree and hit every branch on the way down? Why can't I win the lotto and not old people who won't live long enough to enjoy the prize, when I have a whole plan ahead of me? Why meeeeeee? All that and more. It's natural in such the complex minds we possess. BUT, I see positive. I see what other people have and believe I can have it too. I don't know how they got it; were they given it or did they earn it? I don't care about that, I look ahead, will myself to stay positive, dreaming of that better thing. BUT, enjoying what I have before me as much as I can. I look at my smart and beautiful daughter and immediately remind myself my life is HER. If I never have anything else in my life, SHE is my life so I can die feeling worthy. My life is far from perfect, but it's better than I had and it's far better than most have. It can get better with a mixture of good luck and some hard work, but where does it stop getting better? If I had everything, would I want more? Where do I draw the line so I don't find myself with everyone, wanting more, knowing there isn't any more and my life has suddenly become pointless?
Love is another example. How do you know it's true love? How do you know who you're with is the most love you can get from one person? You don't and never will. You accept it until such a time it isn't love anymore, then move on to the next true love. But how do you know that's the truest love you can have? You don't, you accept it until such time it's not love anymore, or you die, which ever happens first. You can go round and round in circles trying to figure out what life is all about. But you won't find an answer by constantly pondering. If you truly don't know which direction to take, you have to just pick one and go for it, see where you end up. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo, that way.
Life is hard unless it's handed to you on a silver platter. If yours was handed to you on a silver platter, maybe you're struggling because you've never needed any ambitions, you've never needed anything, everything you wanted is already yours. If you weren't served life on a silver platter, surely there's something you want, something you look at and believe you can have? Whether it's a new car, a house, a yacht, love. If you're on your deathbed, and don't have one thing you dreamed of, one thing you strived for, that something that slipped your grip no matter what you did, THEN you might have grounds to claim your life is truly worthless. Chances are though, by that time you would've found love, had kids, or helped a neighbour mow the lawn, rescued a stranded kitten, helped an old lady across the road, volunteered to help the homeless. Your life isn't worthless. You might not know what your purpose is, but there is something for everyone in life. Life IS what you make it.
First, I would like to thank you for your reply.
And I also think I need to clarify certain things about my post. My life wasn't handed to me on a silver plater you can be sure of that, nevertheless I am grateful for all the things that were granted to me. Me saying that I have become worthless does not mean that I think life is worthless in any way, in fact, if I took the time to write about my feelings it is precisely because I think that life is and should a blessing.
When I started writing, it wasn't to seek help or attention or pity. I needed a relief, I needed to express my feelings without digging into the past, the same way some people write letters to no one and throw them into the ocean. I needed to write and to be read. And you did that for me so once again thank you. Now, the reaon I feel the way I feel can't be explained in one paragraph, or two, or three because multiple events led me to where and what I am today.
You seem to believe that I am depressed, but I will say that I am not depressed. I am craving more, and I am looking for a purpose. When I was talking abour being nothing, I didn't mean it in a depreciating way, but rather as way to describle my feelings. Being nothing to me is experiencing a loss of «self-sense» if I can put it that way, and through my analogies I believe you were able to maybe get a hint on how I came to this realization.
This post is, to me, the early steps to rediscovering the wonders of life and trying to figure out what is my place in the world while leaving the past where it belongs. Facing our feeling and emotions is crucial, and this is why this thread wasn't explicitely formulated like a problem, but more like a confession.
Thank you very much for your time.
I understand, I've had my own problems and have shared one on here, it's some relief when it's all written down and put out there.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Let me start where you stopped. Everyone has a purpose and a value in life. You have l lot going on in your life. Anxiety for sure, low self-esteem for another. You talk about being a term, I don't know what term that is, can you enlighten me as to what term you are? Your not a wreck, confused yes, but not a wreck. Do you have someone locally that you can talk with, either a friend or maybe a professional counselor, it can be helpful to go even when you are not depressed but just need to talk to someone good at listening. I recently checked out a website that I think you might really like. It has videos that reminded me of some of the things you mentioned. They also have a live chat which looked to be a really great way to connect with someone to talk about the stuff you are seeing on their website. Check it out! The website is http://www.remedylive.com.
I'd like to hear back from you, can you answer a few questions for me. What brought on the feeling of being wrecked? What do you mean be being a term? Why do you think you have no purpose? Let me hear back. In the meantime i'll pray for you. Until later, God bless.