Not sure how to feel
I have a touch of anxiety. I've tried not to let it affect my life but obviously it has. I've been a stay at home mom until recently. I took on a job for a driving company. I'm a good driver, I just don't know my area well. So I get nervous. Not enough to hinder my ability to provide a service but enough to really make me feel like crap. I took on this side gig as a way to bring in a bit of extra cash since we've struggled. I can take as many rides as I want, create my own hours, whatever. There are just so many nights I could be out there making some extra money I don't take. I'm the problem, I let my mind rule me sometimes.
Which of course includes my fears. The fear I get lost (despite navigation) the fear someone will hate me, anything really. So when I've only taken a few rides, I feel like I'm letting my family down. Letting my husband down though he never told me to take this on. I just want to be seen as contributing more than housework, childcare, and meal service. I want him to feel like he can rely on me in a tough situation, but all i've done with my stupid anxiety is proven that I'll go a short ways. I haven't given up and don't want to.
Sometimes though I just can't comprehend what he must thing of me when I'm slacking so much. I know he understands my brain doesn't work like his sometimes, and he gives me huge room for error and accepts me for who I am, I can't accept me for who I am.
I want to have the guts, the confidence, and the perseverance to show him I can be so much more of what he might need down the line.
I'm utterly at loss because I don't know how I feel and how I should feel or what I should do.
So what's wrong with being a little scared? This is all new. Your anxiety is justified.
BTW - Taking care of a home with children and husband is FULL TIME work. How did it happen that you feel you must "do more" to be considered worthy?
I don't disagree, being a stay at home mother has been a lot of work.
My husband lost his job a bit ago, he now has a new job. I took mine on when he was out of work. Even though we knew we had enough money to keep us going until he found work, he wasn't finding a new job as quickly as he was used to.
I could see him stressing and trying not to show it. I could see him beginning to worry that he may not find a job close enough to home that he would still be able to live with us.
He looked so sad even when he was trying not to. He was burdened and carrying it all on his shoulders, I wanted to help him. I wanted to ease that sadness on his face.
Shortly after I started he found work. I don't want to give up trying to help because even though it scares me, I find myself making small progresses with my mental health when it comes to communication, getting out of my comfort zone and overall I like the feeling of getting out of the house. Right now it's baby steps I just get so frustrated with myself when I choose a night to only take a small number of rides because I feel myself on the verge of being too uncomfortable. Those are the nights I feel like I'm letting him down, I don't want to see me as weak and that's what I feel.
You are doing very good, ma'am and your husband loves you so take rest in that love. Also talk with him and be open about this, i am sure he will reassure you about how much he makes of your strength and your contribution to the family. Christ Bless you and your family!