I'm trying not to identify myself with my certain sets of circumstances that are always changing. I am 19 years old. I am 5 months pregnant. I live with my mom, her boyfriend and 7 siblings in a 3 room apartment. I do not have a room nor a bed I sleep on a cushioned mat. All my family does is watch TV and eat unhealthy food while I aspire to be vegan and live a holistic and sustainable lifestyle. I want to move out but I do not have the money currently. I am pregnant by a person who treats me with a lot of disrespect, I share a past life relationship with this person and now we have karmic ties to resolve for further evolution and cosmic law etc. I tolerated so much physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from this person. The pain and sorrow inflicted on my path is on my own account for my lack of inner strength, willpower and for simply neglecting the call of my soul altogether. I can't help but feel compassion for him because I know he is dealing with his own ego issues and heartache, I know I shouldn't remain in this type of relationship regardless, I felt that being a martyr I was helping him (illusion). I forgive him. I am my own responsibility. Perhaps he was the person to sacrifice his sanity to deliver me this message and reflect the pain that I was causing myself. I was also dealing with an eating disorder of starving, binging, and purging. He became a type of energy vampire. I always felt drained after giving him so much of my energy. I knew the work I needed to do but he constantly kept forcing himself into my life. He was manipulative with threats and physical force. He is homeless, tries to stay in the stairs of my mother's apartment building and gets mad when I don't let him. When I became pregnant, it was through sexual abuse. Now I am pregnant, not completely homeless (thank God), he still doesn't leave me alone. Since the beginning of the pregnancy he would anxiously ask me if I will keep the baby, and a few times when he was angry he would curse it along with me. I feel insecure for being pregnant under such circumstances, too insecure for a job. My goals and dreams now only seem like a fantasy. I was always afraid and embarrassed to admit that I was in a victim position, because who wants to feel inferior? I always denied it to myself for the sake of not admitting to such humiliation and degradation. So I kept repeating the same patterns that my subconscious was accustomed to. I'm still breaking my boundaries and expanding my vision. Reminding myself of the beauty in everything. I can always extend my roots dig deeper into my most primitive memories, like simple gratitude, curiosity, love, and peace. How we react to things is essential to how they affect us.
When someone says they are your twin flame and you believe them because you were under the illusion of love for the supreme beloved so you tolerate everything from them including foul behavior like physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. You can't help but feel compassion for their soul missing out on the beauty of true love, you think they may only be lost souls in need of love that you are not the ultimate source of. I will not identify with the events that have happened in any point in time. I made a mistake, i learned. I appreciare the lessons. I am releasing the anxietyfrom personal and global pressures, release them to the source so they may be transmuted. Focusing on the present moment
I'd wouldn't be worrying less about love, compassion, souls and global pressures right now. You are 5 months pregnant and sleeping on a mat in a 3 room apartment with 10 people. NOT OKAY.
Put your abusive unemployed boyfriend out of your mind right now. You are bringing a new life into this world. That is the only priority. I don't know where you are but do you have some sort of social services agency in your country? If so, go there and find out whether they can provide you with some better housing opportunities away from the abusive homeless guy sleeping in your stairwell. You also need medical care, counseling, healthy food and items for this new baby. In short, you need a plan for what happens when you give birth. That should be your only concern.
If you bring a baby into this current environment you could be placing that child's life at risk. This new baby will be your responsibility so you have to step up. You can do this, you have to. Once you have this straightened out the future for you will take shape. Take everything one day at a time.