I am 19 years old. I am 5 months pregnant. I live with my mom, her boyfriend and 7 siblings in a small apartment infested with bed bugs and roaches. I do not have a room nor a bed and no privacy, I sleep on a cushioned mat in the family room. All my family does is watch TV and eat unhealthy food while I aspire to be vegan and live a holistic and sustainable lifestyle. I want to move out but I do not have the money currently. I am pregnant by a person who treats me with a lot of disrespect, I share a past life relationship with this person and now we have karmic ties to resolve for further evolution and cosmic law etc. The relationship never fully established itself. It happened because we "hooked up" and it was truly a beautiful experience, I never planned to be committed to him. He became very attached because he was going through emotional insecurities and loneliness. I only wanted to be his friend or just a beautiful memory. He couldn't accept the rejection, he wanted to keep me and and my beautiful spirit. He wanted complete possession of me, and didn't let me fly freely. It only made me feel pressured. He kept forcing himself into my life. He became a type of energy vampire. I always felt drained after giving him so much of my energy, until I was empty. He eventually saw that I wasn't the person he wanted and expected me to be, it aggravated him. He was manipulative with threats and physical force. I tolerated so much physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from this person because at the time we met he claimed to be my twin flame soul. I can't help but feel compassion for him because I know he is dealing with his own heartache, I know I shouldn't remain in this type of relationship regardless, I thought that being a martyr was essential to our twin flame "union"(illusion) (I can't help another if I don't help myself). The pain and sorrow inflicted on my path is on my own account for my lack of inner strength, willpower and for simply neglecting the call of my soul altogether. I am my own responsibility.
I forgive him. Perhaps he was the person to sacrifice his sanity to deliver me this message and reflect the pain that I was causing myself. I was also dealing with an eating disorder of starving, binging, and purging. I was carrying the problems at home along with self pity (solar plexus imbalance). When I became pregnant, it was through sexual assault. Since the beginning of the pregnancy he would anxiously ask me if I will keep the baby, and a few times when he was angry he would curse it along with me. The abuse continued even after he knew i was pregnant. I try to distance myself from him. I don't have any friends. I feel insecure for being pregnant under such circumstances, too insecure for a job. My goals and dreams now only seem like a fantasy. I was always afraid and embarrassed to admit that I was in a victim position, because who wants to feel inferior? I always denied it to myself for the sake of not admitting to such humiliation and degradation. I felt weak for letting this happen and not setting clear boundaries. So I kept repeating the same patterns that my subconscious was accustomed to.
I'm still breaking through illusions and expanding my vision. Reminding myself of the beauty in everything. I can always extend my roots dig deeper into my most primitive memories, like simple gratitude, curiosity, love, and peace. I'm trying not to identify myself with my certain set of circumstances that are always changing. How we react to things is essential to how they affect us. I'm realizing that this emptiness is a creative vortex of infinite possibilities. My vulnerability has taught me the importance of love and full presence. I make mistakes, i learn, I appreciate the lessons. I am releasing all anxieties to source so they may be transmuted. Focusing on the present moment.
You sound like an intelligent person. Get grounded as you seem to be flying around emotionally. Get your head on straight. You are in need of basics. Job, security etc and I'd be more concerned about that as there's a child involved on the way. Don't get mired down in head in the clouds stuff, reality is..you're in trouble and you and no one else is going to fix it. Get smarter and get real about life. Forget about romantic notions, you're going to need a strong constitution and clear head. Get it out of the clouds and look forward to your future and make a life you're proud of. You know you can do it.
Its good that you forgive him and its most wonderful that you are keeping the baby and i appreciate it a lot. Its wonderful, simply wonderful. Now dedicate your life to to raising this baby up in a good way. Find help and a good source of income. Equip yourself for the sake of your child. Do not let the child be subject to any sort of abuse. Jesus bless you and your child!