Mistakes? When will they stop??
At my age, I for sure thought id out grow my cravings for wanting to use and drink, only to get myself into icky situations that I have often avoided. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am a single mother who was never close to any of my family. My mother was also suffering from alcoholism, was able to get sober from alcohol. She later died of medical complications at the age of 55. I have struggled all my life to be loved by a man and friends who can get me as a person with my many character defects, but I catch myself purposely damaging the relationships due to distrust and physical or mental abuse.
I am a mother of three children and I too have managed to recreate the life I had to live with my mother and siblings as well as extended family members into their lives. Its not something I sure had hoped for,as a child or teen longing to be a mother someday, this kills me! I have learned the hard way that I have no real friends in my life, and the men I chose repeatedly did the same to me...and I CHOSE THEM! I ALLOWED THEM! So I begin a new chapter in my life every new year, every wish I blew out on the candles of my cake, every wish upon a star, and most importantly, every prayer to GOD.
WHATS WRONG WITH ME? why do I do what I do? now Its 2017 and I have managed to screw things up AGAIN! I know that the people I have been able to socialize with, the neighbor, the family member I have never met, the guy down the street, the girl I considerd best friend..is now the people I swore I wouldn't mix with. Therapy seems to make it worse, medications? I'm a gunny pig, exercise? To insecure to go out and try new things. I am tired, what else can I do? I know that's there's an answer for me, but where or what? ANY ANDVICE?
The good news is you are aware of what you're doing. You can say out loud the mistakes you're making; thank you for your honesty & courage.
It sounds like you are easily persuaded by others & are in need if their approval. Stand strong in what you need to do for your life & the life of your children, that comes first & foremost. You & your children are worthy of a fulfilling & exciting future; when you choose to believe that, you will not settle for relationships you know are bad for you. Write down a list of all things & people you need to avoid, be specific. Next to each point on your list, give a reason why it's on your list. Consider this list as a kind of contract to yourself, keep it somewhere safe & go back to it from time to time. When you're confronted with any of those things on your list, let it be your reasoning as to what choices you make.
I wish you all the best.
I believe you can change. You have to believe it yourself though. There are triggers to substance abuse and one way to put yourself in control is know what they are. I call them HALTS..it's a modified version of halt, the initials for me stand for hurt, angry, lonely, tired, sick. Most of these are what will trigger you and if it's something your going through, absolutely halt moving into screwing up and using.
I'm not a religious person but it would help I think to get you and the kids to church on Sunday. Get routines established and get everyone set up the night before and go..and keep going. I don't think there's one bit of harm to it and if you don't like the people or church, find another. I may be off base but I don't think so. I think it might get some stability in your life. You need to look out for relationships and try not to get involved till your head is more focused.
Don't wait till you say..I wish I'd done something, just do it. We do have the power, you need to remember that.
Please touch base back as your life is important and you need to believe that. Be strong in the times you feel weak.
I read your heartfelt post and see why your situation is so troubling. But, you are correct there are answers "out there". First there is a good free counseling service at focusonthefamily.com. There is another site familylife.com that has "10 creative ways to create quality time with your kids." A third site thelifeofasinglemom.com has excellent help for single moms. As a Christian I have always loved the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. It is a favorite of many people in and out of recovery programs. The poem is only 5 sentences long, but the first sentence is especially meaningful I think. It goes "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I pray that good change will be coming to your life soon.