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Strong, wise, neutral, experienced, reasonable. Opinions needed!!!!!!

Posted by
IKEEPSWIMMING
on Feb 11 2017 at 17:28
Member since: 11 February 2017
Relationship advice am going to make this as SHORT and SIMPLE as I can, so I don't lose any of your extremely valuable opinions!

Known someone since high school. Didn't date him back then, but had an innocent crush in High school.

Lost touch, as most of us do. Until the days of Facebook surfaced. In 2008, while going through my basic "suggested friends" list, I came across hos proile.

My heart instantly skipped a beat. I bee-lined to his profile, sent a friend request, and a couple days later, we were "friends". Browsing through his stuff, I saw he was married. And only 2 years married. My heart sunk...oh well. Bummer. So, I sent him a couple messages, and left it at that.

As he began to respond, I learned that his marriage was quite tumultuous, but, because he was still married regardless, I backed off and didn't exchange much for another 2 or 3 years.

Fast forward to 3 years later, I got a message saying he had left his wife, had moved out quite some time before that, and was single.

So, THRILLED TO DEATH, I made arrangements to go for a visit on memorial day weekend 2012.

That was IT.

from that day forward, may 26 2012, we became INSEPERABLE. I feel so in love. So deep. We were older, I was ready to give 100% of me, he was reciprocal, and for those first several weeks into the first several months, we built a love so strong, so indestructible, it was the stuff dreams were made of.

Until I began to notice his continual communication with his "crazy, psycho, I hate her" x-wife.

I ignored it. They had a son who was 5, and resolved to just let it go, they had to coparent, And that was something that-at 41, I had to accept.

He said he absolutely could not stand her. That she was a terrible mother, unreliable, untrustworthy, borderline mental, and very very 'screwed up'.

He'd tell me he LOATHED HER. Didn't ever want to 'speak to her', said he never did speak to her,and never went anywhere near her.

Well, fast forward again....

He was talking to her. Daily. On the phone, up to 10 times a da. texting her. Even going to her HOUSE.

He had 'excuses' as to why. They were invalid.

She was telling him how she could believe he was with Me. How I was gross, nasty, a whore, a hooker, a skank. Just totally, 100% jealous, nasty, hateful and off the chain.

He hid this. For months. 5 months to be exact. In october, I took a 5 day trip with my mother and daughter.

While on that trip, apparently she and he had some sort of argument, and she decided to send me an ONSLAUGHT of texts they had been exchanging for months.

This. BROKE. My. HEART.

I was eating at Fazoli's when they all came in to my phone, and immediately got up and had to run and throw up. I was shaking, crying, throwing up.... it was THAT bad.

They said things like "people come and go, we are forever' ; " I'd like to think we could be a family again" "I'm getting rid of her and sending her home". "I'll always love you"

Huge major blow to my soul. Big time.

It was BAD....but, i forgave him....as i thoight it was the right thing to do....and we got through it as best as we could..meanwhile, I was also discovering that he had an extremely erratic, violent temper. If he was speaking to her on the phone and pissed him off, he would call her a stupid whore, a cunt...etc.

Yes, there were major red flags. I actually called him on that, and said "oh my gosh, if you ever said those things to me, I'd DIE! " His reply: "we are sacres. I'd never say those things to you!!!".

I believed him.

In dec of 2012, we decided to move in together. But first, I made a big event of making sure we discussed our futures. What he wanted, what I wanted, and the boundaries we needed to set.

I made sure to give plenty of time to contemplate, for himself, as well as myself.

I had children who were finally over the age of being dependent and needy. I had my first child very very young, and missed a huge part of my life because of it. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and she is a successful and brilliant med student now... i also had a 16 year old who was in high school and self reliant, and a son who was 7, but lived with his dad, (a decision I made based upon a boy needing his father and a strong role model rather than as single mom...He was at the time- a better role model and it was a personal decision that although difficult, was right). i had the typical every other weekend visitstion, etc. but I also didn't want to start again. He had a 5 year old, and although I was willing to be the best role model I could be, and devote half my weekends every month and it was very important to me that he fully understood that I in no way, wanted to take on the obligation of having a child full time here, especially if my own son wasn't even here. I made it clear that I needed things to stay as they were with visitations. ...I gave him more than 2 weeks to contemplate, unpressured, without influence.. to decide whether or not our future needs and goals were in line..I was doing the RIGHT thing by laying this stuff out well before becoming intertwined for obvious rrasons.

He decided he wanted to move forward and move in together. He decided his son would remain with his mother, and that he would begin establishing visitation for every other weekend, an overnight during the week, etc.

So, let's fast forward again...5 years to today.

From that first 6 months, when we worked through it, we made agreements and set boundaries for her, their contact, etc. We set basic boundaries for the sake of reestablishing trust, etc. He made promises, I made compromises.

He never one single time honored the boundaries.

He violated my trust and broke every single promise.

His visitations were erratic, unplanned. ..sometimes she'd show up to drop off or pick up, sometimes not at all. She change the court ordered dates, times....holidays. ..rotations. ... she ignored it wholly. He allowed this without problem.

Nor did he ever take her back to court to enforce her compliance and consistency.

He began to travel to see his son constantly. Every weekend. When I'd protest because it was an off weekend for us, he rage. Throw things. Call me ...yep, you guessed it....A cunt, a whore. Etc etc.

He'd leave and go see his son, and not come back for 2 days.10 days...15 days....

He'd say he was leaving me, that I was unreasonable. I was unbalanced. Crazy. Psycho.

Etc.

It got extremely bad. And it was always always always always over lying about going there, lying about talking to her, and violating our boundaries . Repeatedly.

The emotional and verbal abuse hit massive proportions. It was always in response to being called out on a lie, or insistence to stick to our game rules.

There is so much in between, but I can't write anymore.

The bottom line is that, although I love him deeply...madly....I have laid the law down one final time , after 5 years of being disregarded, flaky Grey area schedules, erratic visitations...

I'd done this before...After rend he would agree...After rend green then turn right afterrendgreendround with 2 or 3 days...afterrendgreendround do the same exact things...whatever he wanted, and lied, pretending he was being compliant and fair.

So, here was my final offer.

Without me giving away how I feel about it, or how I came up with it....or how HE felt about it, or how he responded, I'd like to hear from you.

Does this agreement:

Seem fair

Seem reasonable

Seem comprising

Seem middle of the road

Seem to be made in maturity

Would this be something a counselor or expert would agree or disagree as reasonable, etc?

Here it is:

1. Anger management for you

2. Couple therapy together for the verbal and emotional abuse, to work through rebuilding trust, to establish guidelines, playing rules, boundaries, plans to effectively resolve conflict based upon what's fair, right, appropriate, realistic, etc when decision making

3. Full financial plan and budget with goals for future saving

4. Agreement to blend as a family though a mature commitment to marriage within the next 12 to 18 months

5. Fully calendared, agreed upon visitations schedules

6. A firm commitment to making sure that (his sons mom)is accountable for her share of visitation responsibilities. 

7. A pre devised agreement on games, practices, etc. (His sons, who lives 40 miles from our home ) Met through compromise and negotiation

8. An agreement regarding (his son) AND (my son who lives 2.5 hours away), future visitation, and changes. If there involves additions to time for visitation, it is integrated slowly, over 24 months,  whereby soccer,  school,  etc is slowly transitioned to be locally

And lastly, a revised ORDER FROM THE COURTS allowing for such, enforcing her duties, and to make sure that there is continuity,  clearly established rotation/visitation with dates, times, etc arranged well in advance.

An agreement that I will sometimes do his pick up, or his drop off and vice versa with Toby as well

And lastly, will put a stop to her refusing to drop your son off, or pick him up, refusing to do any of the travling, unfairly loading it upon us.

Strong, wise, neutral, experienced, reasonable. Opinions needed!!!!!!

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Feb 12 2017 at 18:05
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your list sounds reasonable - IF you were dealing with a reasonable guy and his reasonable ex-wife.

Tell me again WHY you love this man who calls you such names and is ("most likely)" cheating on you?

Crazy people find each other. They are addicted to each other. They love the drama and push/pull and the makeup sex and all the texting and conflict. That's their turn-on. They are connected to each other this way.

You are the stability he finds boring; you are on the outside, yelling for sanity. You have been an observer to their behavior all this time. He loves the attention to his audience.

And yet, you still try with a "list."

Please get some counseling to help figure out why you would stay with a man who has so many issues and treats you like this.

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