Fiancee says she never wants sex
We have been together for 3 years and living with each other for 2.5 years.
Our wedding is planned for this summer.
We have had sex maybe 3 times in the last 12 months.
She says she never feels like it and that nothing works down there.
She says sex is not important to her and I should get used to it or leave.
It's obviously very upsetting to be basically told she would rather I left her than to have sex with me.
I'm worried this lack of compatibility will create tension and stress and ultimately resentment.
I have tried to talk to her but she just gets angry.
She says I always want sex but really I would be happy with once a month, I only mention it so much because I never get it.
I love her and love the life we have together but I'm worried this will effect our marriage.
I know the most common answer will be "leave her" but anyone else got any thoughts?
You obviously don't want to leave her, so don't, but no reason to get married under these circumstances. Marriage is hard enough when you go in with no problems much less a big elephant standing between you and her at the alter.
She is giving you an ultimatum which is dead wrong. It sounds like you could use some self introspection. Your upset by her ultimatum because she has shattered your self worth by giving you one. What does she want from you? What do you do right? If she is getting her needs met, why doesn't she want to meet yours? Why are allowing a one-sided relationship?
Please do some self care and self work before you get married. I was in this same relationship and doesn't get better. The emotional abuse only gets worse.
Talking from a point of experience (I'm not that interested in having sex with my OH either, mainly because he is too large so it's a generally unpleasant experience for about 5 seconds of pleasure), I would tell your fiance that you would be happy with having sex just once a month, assuming you haven't already.
If you could agree on once a month, it might not seem like such a big deal to her. You would be on the same page about each other's expectations and you could promise not to mention it so much. My OH goes on about it constantly as well, and honestly, it has just made me want to do it less as I feel like I'm constantly being pressured/pestered. If he would say he was happy with once a month, then I'd seriously consider it to stop the constant asking.
You could also look at other things. Our problem is mainly based on size/pain problems (not sure what yours is based on), so oral can be a good solution longer term, even if it's just her giving it to you.
Honestly, I think a lot of women actually aren't that fussed about sex and only bother because their significant others enjoy it so much and they want to please them. Understandable when you consider some women don't orgasm through sex at all and that it can cause pain and urinary tract infections. It's just taboo to talk about it, we don't want to be seen as deviating from the popular depiction of women's sexual wants/desires as it makes us feel like we are strange and/or inadequate.
Both of you have needs though, so if you can't come to an agreement then you have to ask yourself if you can live without sex forever. Do you want children together? Are you likely to cheat in future because of this? etc..
Sorry man! I've been married 20 years together 23 and I love sex, foreplay, flirting etc. and have been battling with the same issue for 18 of those 23 years. I love my wife dearly but I have to say I often think I should've left early on to avoid the life long torture. Its a wonder I haven't cheated but I am a committed partner and wouldn't want that done to me. Its become such a build up over the years that I get snippy, angry, sarcastic or just ignore her out of spite. If you love sex and would like it once a week along with attention and she cannot will not work with you then I'd consider leaving. Look let's be realistic its been 3.5 years and your already seriously concerned and you should be but imagine 20 years and two kids. Now you absolutely cannot leave even if you wanted because you can't afford it and there's now other lives affected by the health of your marriage and your sanity. Sorry just being real from experience. I think my wife and I although we love each other dearly would've been happier with more compatible partners.