Roller coaster life...
I was a medical student at a UK university on my way to a successful life and career until I fell in love.My Grandfather passed away at a similar time which had a profound effect on my Father's mental Health.I am from a Asian family ( Pakistani) and as soon as he found out I was interested in a girl at uni he went nuts with me...so much so that I ended up suffering mentally because of the emotional pressure.The girl was the same as me...a Pakistani Muslim girl...but unfortunately my dad had got the idea that the girl had a bad reputation at uni...yeah she liked her partying but she was a very decent not to mess around with guys kind of girl.But my Dad had other ideas...making me feel guilty about leading a bad example to my two younger sisters and other emotional blackmail I suffered mentally and ended up not completing the course I was on.My life crashed before my eyes as my Father constantly began to harass me that I was taking drugs and up to a level that I was a heroin addict.I was a very popular student initially but my problems with my dad and the girl problem affected me mentally and my behaviour changed with my friends and ended up being distanced from them..Friends that I held very close to me..especially the girl...we hadnt managed to materialise a relationship...once I left uni I lost contacts with all my friends as my Father banned me from contacting anyone and began working in lowly paid jobs whilst everyone else I knew had qualified as professionals.I felt myself that I wasn't good enough to talk to these people and not on their level or class anymore.
My Father turned me against these people who were initially almost like a second family to me but I could not forget the girl and knew I was in love with her as I could not and still not stop thinking about her.My Father put everything down to what happened at uni because I was suffering from a drug problem and would tell people this to hide my true thoughts from others.My failure at uni didn't have much an affect as he had already planned on removing me from uni and getting me sent to Pakistan where he could control me but still show others he was doing everything he can for me.I went to Pakistan....I had no choice as my Father had been taking my wage from my jobs off me...where once I decided to do something I didn't have enough to survive and ended up on the streets so I was kind of forced to go to Pakistan.
Whilst in Pakistan...after about two weeks I decided that it wasn't for me and requested my Father that I go back so much so that we ended up getting in a fight.He called on of his cousins who was a police intelligence officer to the house who along with a full crew of people began assaulting me...trying to fight my way out I ended up being tortured by getting handcuffed and tied to the bed.I was kept inside the bedroom of the house for a full month where these so called police intelligence guys beat me constantly and accused me of being a heroine addict...even though I have never even seen what heroin even looks like. After this month of torture I managed to escape where I ran to the British Embassy in Pakistan only to be caught.I ended up in a police station in Islamabad where embassy officers came to see me but after ringing one of my friends...he told me that he had spoken to my Mother and she had informed him that I was a drug addict and refused to lend me money.The police had already after finding out who I was made a financial deal with my Dad that he come and get me.He came with an army colonel.
Eventually I was taken back to my house in Pakistan where I was subjected to repeats of the same torture and told constantly that I was mental and a drug addiction and that the stick was my medicine.I kept hope in.my heart and the thoughts of the girl I loved kept my spirits going and are in fact what prevented me from committing any suicide attempts.
I spent 8 years in Pakistan where I was constantly subjected to torture even as a qualified doctor where I was supervised to go to medical college...away from my friends and even family as my Mother had remained in the UK.There were some positives...I completed my degree and the weather was nice and warm.but it was 8 years of hell for me.I managed to escape with the motivation of a friend of mine who I spoke to because I had been kept out of my sisters marriage and had been deemed a drug addict by my whole family...and I owe this friend what I have of a life at the moment...she motivated me to make a plan to get out of there and the most touching thing she said after I told her and her husband was after I told them how lovely they both were was to remind me that were friends...an amazing thing for someone to say when you are at such a low point in your life.
My Grandfather finding out my friends were willing to help gave the funds to return but after a few weeks of keeping me decidedown they didn't want me in the house I ended up on the streets...they had issues with my father as well..after struggling for a few weeks and getting some help from friends I ended up going into hospital as a mental health sufferer.this helped me find accommodation and eventually a job after staying on benefits for so long.I did try to contact some of my friends including the girl but was given cold responses...not surprising seen as though I hadn't been in touch for so many years.cut the long story short after 2 years of returning to the UK I find myself constantly comparing myself to the friends I studied with.They through undisturbed hard work have managed to set up big businesses with Ferrari etc. And me myself am living in shared accommodation on benefits as I have to go through an exam procedure for which I can't afford and first of all can't afford the legal work required to bring my documentation.my life is still.in a mess after setting out for so much...after even 12 years of not seeing the girl I was in love with still can't stop myself thinking about her after getting a cold response...even though I know I should just move on...it seems to give me the will to keep on living.at the age of 35 I am waiting for the day I see on of her Facebook. Posts or her relationship status as married and help me move on.
Even though at the same time I know it would bother me to see that.I have no money...can just about to afford to eat and live even after achieving such a high education.I've tried relationships with other girls...not passing more than just getting a coffee together.I have no one in my life...my friends either don't want to talk to me or are settled in their lives.I was to scared to call the girl after the initial cold response and dont want to contact her because I feel I am of a lower social class status and may be regarded as a person who messed it all up for himself.What was my crime? To fall in love? I can't afford the fees to go into uni again...I feel like a waste of space.Jobs to fund anything are too hard...I really don't know what to do.....can anyone help guide me in my life please?
Seeing that your entire post except for very end is about the past tells me where you live in your mind space, the past. As long as you live there, you will not move forward with your life.
You don't need a FB post to move on. Do it now. I'm not sure about the jobs your are talking about being too hard but try to find a starting point and go from there.
If you can find the things you are grateful for and hold onto to those thoughts that will definitely help. Also finding a peer group that can understand will help as well.