Mutual friends just watching someone stalk / harass me for four years
QUESTION - Feb 25 2017 at 04:33
3-4 years ago, I ran into a guy who kept stalking/harrassing me and the people around me. He did really, really childish and annoying shit just to try and provoke a reaction and made life as problematic as possible for me. He (or one of his friends) even made online profiles to try and impersonate my friends and issued threats that were cleverly disguised so that the police wouldnt get involved (he warned me to "watch out" in an online game I never played, the implication being that that his real meaning was that i should watch out in real life).
For the past year, he has been telling everyone that he "has changed". One of my mutual friends who used to support me all the time when he and his friends harrassed me has either been brainwashed or hoodwinked into believing him, and now counts him as "one of her closest friends". Many people believed him apparently because he put in the effort to do nice stuff for them and generally act as a nice guy.
Recently, this guy deliberately went out of his way to screw me over, and in the process, two other friends were also affected. I don't want to say what he did, but basically he sabotaged us and we lost out on an opportunity. There were several others present, at least two others who knew he did it on purpose. After this incident, I was talking to another friend and he told me that he couldn't invite me to an event because "that guy" would cause trouble on purpose if I was there. The fact that he is essentially being threatened/coerced into doing this doesn't seem to register with him.
When I told my friends about it, he heard about it and spent an entire day shit talking about me, admitting he did it on purpose and spinning things so that I would look like the bad guy. According to one of my friends who was present, he was the only one who tried to defend me and everyone else was just watching or going along with him.
What I especially cannot understand is why our mutual friends are refusing to lift a finger and are just watching. One guy kept telling me to just "let it go" because there is nothing I can do about it, and he flat out refused to help me because "I don't control him because there's nothing I can do anyway". He is totally fine with being friends with him even after finding out that he went out of his way to screw me over.
I dont know if its just me, but if one of my friends was going out of his way to screw with people, kick puppies, beat up homeless guys or stuff like that...I wouldnt be able to just sit and watch. I would have to talk to him and make it clear that I am not fine with it. Nobody else seems willing to do this, so "that guy" is just going "oh well nobody else cares that means I can keep doing this stuff!".
The friend that I mentioned who used to support me all the time? She admits that he hasn't really changed after all, but finds the topic very awkard because "both of you are my friends" and doesnt want to talk about it.
"That guy's" friends are acting like i'm the bad guy and insisting that I should "let it go". Practically everyone is giving him a free pass and expects me to give him a free pass as well, even though he has been doing this for about FOUR YEARS NOW. When I bring that up, they just go "well...that was ages ago man".
It is very difficult to avoid any form of interaction with him because he attempts to monopolize my friends time as much as possible and has worked his way into my social circles. As mentioned earlier, he somehow hoodwinked one of my best friends into believing him and now she won't support me anymore for fear of losing him as a friend. I have no idea how he managed to accomplish this. I dont know what hes doing to get so many people to remain neutral or on his side...sucking up to them, bribing them, whatever...
I dont know how to deal with my friends who are just watching and doing nothing as he continues his 4 year old stalking and harrassment game. He has always been very careful to make sure that nothing he does is blatantly illegal (no obvious threats, etc) so the police cannot get involved. He monopolizes my friend's time as much as possible so I cant hang out with them unless he is there. He tries to shit talk about me all the time and tries to turn my friends against me.
I dont know how to deal with this. Everyone expects me to just let things go and sees nothing wrong with anything he does (or they just dont care because they are unaffected). I have been letting it go for FOUR YEARS and he WILL NOT STOP.
(In case anyone is wondering, I'm in my mid twenties, hes around 20 from what I heard).
Wow, you must be a really special person for him to devote 4 years to you. I know that sounds crazy but that is essentially what he has done. In the 4 years he has been trying to ruin your life, he has forgotten to live his own. From what you say he has missed the last half of his teen years. Has he had girlfriends during this time and if so, what do they think of all the attention he puts in your direction?
In my opinion, your so called friends are weak and probably past their used by dates in your life. Believe it or not but most people that come into your life will not stay there forever (even the ones we thought were our 'best' friends). Once a person has completed what they were supposed to bring to your life, they must move on (or you must move them on). Being a male too (no offence boys) at approx. 20years of age they're maturity is about equal to a 16 year old girl (again sorry boys but this is a biological fact in most cases). Now think about a 16 year old girl, not the brightest of sparks at this age are we (yes I'm a girl)
You are just at the age where you are maturing properly and this is probably why this shit is now starting to really bother you. I once heard that to be a true friend we only really have the capacity to do this with approx. 6 people in our lives (besides family)therefore it is time to graciously walk away from those that are weak. Let them go. This is not letting him win, they will find out in their own time what he is all about, and concentrate on those few who are awesome in your life. You have sort of given him 4 years of your life and now it's time to stop. Aren't your true friends more worthy of this time?
Take back your power and clean out the cupboard of friends that are not true and needed. Once he see's you can't be bothered with such trivial people he will have no option but to pick on someone else (probably one of the 'friends' you got rid of.) You really have the power and the opportunity to cleanse your life. Once the trash and dust is gone you will feel lighter and have more meaningful people that stood the test of time and friendship.
Stay strong, Love yourself, DO NOT give him or those 'friends' any more of your time and effort and GOOD LUCK!
Alyate : He is the one who is around 20 years old, im in my mid twenties. I have been attempting to avoid him for years, but he goes out of his way to find my friends and turn them against me, or convinces them to be his friend and then attempts to monopolize their time so i cant meet them without him present. And lately he ha been rather open about trying to make my friends avoid me, because I have had friends telling me they cant invite me to do stuff because "that guy" will be there and will cause problems if im there too.
That is the problem, he is going out of his way to do this, avoiding him has not been working. Even if i dump my "weak friends" and make new ones he will just go after the new friends that i make, who wont have any idea of his past history and therefore no reason to avoid him. And they will fall for his charm or whatever he uses to hoodwink people.
Hmm, is this the type of forum where threads die after the first person responds to it? Its not even listed in my active threads...
this thread is still open to responses, i just clicked the reply button to help answer your question