Can your mistakes define you...
As a little girl wishing on a star....sharing my hopes and dreams.I never would of thought today I'd be a woman with great regret. Im not saying that every single moment was a waste cause that would be lying.
I had such big things planned though for my life and I was going to make it happen...
Now I'm questioning every move I've made from that night by my window sill looking up at the sky if God had made a mistake!? I know that sounds awful but right now I'm completely and utterly lost. I grew up in a pretty disfuctional place. My mom was a beautiful and talented woman but she loved a lot of things me....drugs and men. She was everything to me but it seemed that she loved other things more. My dad ...well I didn't meet him till I was in my early twenties and not much since then. I'm not sure but after I met him, I felt that I didn't need him. I guess I got used to not having parents.
So you may be thinking ...well this person is about share her life story. I would say yes and no. I'm going share how I got where I am now alone..lost..afraid and wondering if there is any hope.
I'm going to start back in 2004 when my life was beginning and little did I know ..ending just the same. I'm met him in high school and he irritated me to no end, yes your right I was crazy about him. We started dating in our junior year of high school. We fought about everything but couldn't stay away. Everyone was sure we were going to get married....we did in 2004. My mom was living far away and couldn't make the wedding cause she was sick. To me she sounded like she was having the flu or something.
It had been a couple of days since we got back from our honeymoon and I got a call. I found out that she passed away. It's weird but something was telling me that I knew it was going to happen but when it did....I just went in every horrible direction I could go. Something in me snapped. I've never been the same since then. Everyday my marriage was wasting away. I was so angry and hurt that I ...I didn't realize that I was losing everything little by little. As time went on I seemed to feel a little better but not for long. 5 years into marriage we had a son who in one moment became my greatest gift... and yet that same moment I found Out I had bipolar disorder.
I realized that all my exsplosive emotions were coming from not only my mothers death...but something much deeper. Now if you know that bipolar is not something that can be cured nesscerly but you can still live a good life by help from others, which that's what I did. I remember telling myself to fight this and do everything I can to get better. I realize now I didn't try hard enough. After 8 years my husband had become tired. He did all he could do. I pushed him and my son away. I felt that they deserved better than me. I felt that I was just wasting away cause I couldn't fight hard enough. I'll never forget the words that came out of my mouth in anger and defeat...I wished we were never married and I'm sorry I had a kid with you.
I didn't even see what I had done. I broke my vow. That was our end and Ive had to live with that everyday.
There's many things I'm leaving out but I'm sharing all the mistakes I've made cause this is a pain I can't escape. He asked for a divorce and I'm sure your thinking he made the right decision. My son stayed with him. I was not fit to be his mother so I did my best to still be in his life. Losing my son was just as hard if not more than losing my mother...
He has now since remarried and is happier than ever. My son is thriving and becoming an amazing little man. He's 6 years old now. I talked to him on the phone and see him when it works out between his father and I.
So I'm just going to go back to the night on the window sill wishing apon a star...I didn't know if he was real but that was the first time believed in God.
Through my younger years I could see where he was there. After my grandpa died ...after my mom died ....when my son was born and when I tried to take my life.
I'm still to this day not to sure what God was thinking when he made me cause I've messed up every single blessing he's giving me and I'm wondering if this is what's left ...me alone
I know I brought this on myself. I'll be the first person to lay my failures bare for all to see. I guess it's my way of punishment. I'm sure that's far from normal. A lot of other bad things happened and I just kind of stopped living. Pushed everyone away including myself. I don't wish on stars ..I don't have anymore hopes and dreams ...in fact I don't even pray anymore.
Ive lost my heart and soul because of the mistakes I've made. I've done things that I never would've done....I've lost so much, things I haven't even shared with you.
This is a little of me and my life so far...I'm so scared of what's next?
Sweetheart - stop being so hard on yourself. You had a horrible start in life, and you have an illness. None of this is your fault. Do you take medication for your bipolar disorder? It can be tricky to find the right meds that work for you. If you haven't already I would definitely look into this. And remember that it is an illness, which you cannot help. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Try to find a treatment that works for you - drugs, therapy, support groups - whatever you can. Just because bad things have happened in your life so far doesn't mean that it will be this way forever. Have some compassion for yourself, get yourself as well and as strong as you can be, and then maybe you can start to rebuild your relationship with your child- you deserve that, and so does he. Get some professional help, you deserve that too.
Things can get better. You can get better. Be kind to yourself.
Dear Broken Butterfly,
“Loopers” gives some helpful suggestions. Maybe you’ve already taken one of them and things are starting to turn around…Great!
But s/he didn’t address one theme in your post, a theme that I found amazing: God! From the sketch you give of your mother, I can’t imagine her taking you to worship services at all often or teaching you to pray. Yet you found faith in a Someone who listened to your prayers, drew close when your world was shaken by the death of the people you loved and when life itself was something you’d rather not have kept. You saw the good things in your life as “blessings” and yourself as someone God had made. It seems you also understand that God holds you responsible for your choices, especially the way you handle the people/relationships entrusted to you.
I know next to nothing about bipolar disorder; about the closest I’ve come is having been married to my wife multiple decades and she has suffered most of them with chronic depression, physical handicaps and pain. So I can’t truly “get” what you’re going through. Still, for what it’s worth, I think you’re right about God being with you especially in those “dark days.” I don’t think you’ve been abandoned yet, either. It makes me think of that poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” Do you know it? Its “official website” is http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/
but you can find it in many places if you put it in an internet search engine.
I don’t know if this site is a place to hold conversations… I’m new to all of this! But I’ve found a place where you can safely have one-on-one discussions (or group discussions, too), where someone will happily talk about God and Jesus with you. It’s THRED.org. Here’s a link to one of the articles there (the part about suffering towards the end made me think of you): https://thred.org/christian_view/purpose/
. The one-on-one part is reached through the tab at the top marked, “Ask”.
You titled your post, “Can your mistakes define you…?” It looks like “Loopers” was telling you, “You don’t have to let them define you.” That’s true, and not only for how you look at yourself. Forgiveness is always there. Broken relationships can be and are reconciled. New relationships can bloom, too. My prayer for you, Butterfly, is that you will discover someone who lives near you who will love you and listen to you and encourage you and pray for you. Until that happens, the internet is great, but I wouldn’t look for a hug there, would you? I think a hug would be a good thing for you right about now.
Peace to you,