Really bad situation - please help!
This may be rather long, but if you hang in there and read the story, I could really use some advice.
My wife and I met in 2007 and were married in 2010. We both have adult children from previous relationships, so that is that.
I am 43 yrs old.
She is 38 yrs old.
My wife has always been very emotionally abusive to me. It has nearly ended our relationship so many times, I cannot even come up with a number, but I posted about it on another forums years ago and put some voice recording of what she would do to me and everyone said the same thing:
"GET OUT NOW"
I kind of wish I listened to that advice.
At that time, I lived in a house that her mother owned. I could have walked away and just dealt with the divorce, but dumb me went ahead last March and bought a house for us.
My wife's name is not on the mortgage because, at the time, her credit was really bad.
My wife's name is not on the title/deed due to a clerical error that I did not realize until tax time about a month and a half ago.
I was going to fix that, but then this started:
Everything was going fine and then one night, actually it was election night, November 8th, she was out with her friends until 5:15am.
You will see a lot more of this in this thread, but it is not just all about her going out.
My wife has always gone out, but this was very late for her.
Then, on November 21st, she was out until 5:30am.
On November 26th, she went out and, for the first time, never came home until 1pm the next day. To this day, she refuses to tell me where she was on count of "she shouldn't have to tell me everything."
She went out again that very day, November 27th, and stayed until 11pm.
The next day, on November 28th, she was out until 2:15am. Again, refusing to tell me where she was and who she was with.
On December 1st, she went out and stayed out until 1:50am.
Now, she is a manager in retail, so things get crazy for her around this time of year, so things slowed down and nothing happened until December 18th. She went out that night until 12:30am.
Nothing at all happened in January, but she was extremely distant. No more phone calls during the day. I was reading an article the other day about wives having affairs and what signs to look for, and one said, "she stops asking you how your day was."
She never has asked me that, which I never thought about until I read that. I ask her all of the time.
But nevertheless, she had such a nasty attitude towards me and would flip out on me for the dumbest things.
In mid February I had had it! I confronted her and told her that she needs to either devote herself to this relationship, or end it because it is killing me.
Her attitude changed!
She went to Atlantic City, NJ with her friend shortly afterwards and was so nice to me. She was calling me the old pet names she used to call me and everything.
Things looked great!
Enter Saturday, February 18th:
It was unseasonably nice out. I asked her if she wanted to sit out back with me in the yard and burn a fire, drink some beers and grill up some dinner.
She told me that she didn't feel like doing anything like that.
Not ten minutes later, she told me that she was going out with her friends to a bar. She was showered and dressed and out the door in 20 minutes.
I stood there in shock. I had no idea what to say or do. Later, she texted me and told me that she understood that I was upset and she just wanted to go out with her friends for a little bit and would make it up to me..
Okay. I can deal with that! But that night, around 10pm, when I was getting out of the shower, I noticed her car parked across the street. I went outside, but before I could get to the car, she started it and drove off.
I immediately texted her and told her, "you do know that I know your license plate, right?"
She didn't respond. Which, might I add now, was the common thing WHENEVER she was out. She never responded to my texts or phone calls when she was out, which would sometimes make me an emotional wreck if I was leaving for work the next morning and she still wasn't home.
She came home that night at 3am. I slept on the couch. I went upstairs and asked her why she drove away from me, but she simply stated she never even saw me.
I do not know if that is true or not, and I never will. So I have no other recourse but to take her word for it.
But that brought up another issue.
I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was on the phone with her friend Tim and she was making plans to go back out.
Tim is married, but he is a sleezeball. He has two kids with two other women outside of his previous marriage, which he had three kids with that wife, and that wife never even knew he had these children.
He is married again, and the best part, he lives in the neighborhood I moved into.
But the issue at hand was not Tim, it was, to me, the fact that she gave me a whole song and dance about how she was sympathetic to how I was feeling about her choosing her friends over me, and here she is, actually HOME, IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE, but she is planning to go back out again.
She simply said, "I wasn't ready to come in yet."
So that night, Sunday, February 19th, she comes downstairs around 7pm after being up in bed all day and I was making dinner. I noticed she was dressed up again and she said, "I'm going out."
I asked her where. She responded, "None of your business mother-f'er. Peace out."
And she left.
Well now I was angry, and I wound up getting quite drunk that night. I put a post about her on Facebook about her going out all of the time and banging other guys.
Now, I know it was wrong, but take into account, I only have 5 Facebook friends. My wife has had me blocked on Facebook since December 19th.
But this will be a testament of how drunk, angry, and DUMB I am! I actually took a screenshot of the post I put up and texted it to her...
Yup........I am an idiot.
Now the post was up for as long as it took me to take a screenshot, and I strongly doubt any of the three remaining people that I asked saw it. As I stated I only have 5 Facebook friends and one is my brother, and one is my daughter. I asked them if they saw the post, and they had no idea what I was talking about.
So she freaks out and loses it on me. We go back and forth via text and she comes home that night at 2am.
She left for work around 5:30 am that morning (I don't know how she does it) and woke me me up with a text, with the screenshot of the post that I put up stating, "this is absolutely unforgivable."
I felt horrible. I stared at it and tried to remember why the hell I put it up because, as I stated, I was very intoxicated.
I was ashamed, and I was sorry, and I told her this. But, this was the first time I have ever really "fought back." This woman has been treating me like crap for quite a while, so although I was ashamed of what I did, I took pride in the fact that I actually fought back for once.
So this is Monday, February20th. She tells me later via text that she is going to stay at her mother's house to try to "figure things out". Her mother is in Florida until the spring.
I objected, because I told her that I was not able to emotionally handle not knowing where she was every night, because I KNEW she would take advantage of the time away and go out every night.
I told her that I would move all of my stuff downstairs and she could stay upstairs and "figure it out." We have two full bathrooms and two bedrooms on both floors.
She refused and that night, she did not come home.
On Tuesdays, I work from home. She came home around 1pm to do "laundry, pack clothes and take a shower."
I bought her a pistol for Christmas, and she wanted to know where it was at. I told her it was locked away because it is registered in my name and she shouldn't be taking it with her if her plans are to move out. I told her I would be more than happy to go with her around the corner and transfer ownership.
She flips out. Starts throwing things at me and tells me that I should "take her gun and blow my brains out."
Now, another side note here, I was in a mental institution for attempted suicide. I am also on medication for it. And it doesn't take much to push my buttons to get me suicidal again, but I kept cool.She started making fun of my condition, saying in a sarcastic voice, "Oh, I'm depressed, poor me, I have anxiety, waaah. Loser!"
I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
She threw her wedding rings and all other jewelry downstairs and said she didn't want them. I told her that I would really appreciate if she kept them.
She left, and took her rings, but came home at 10pm. She slept upstairs, I slept downstairs.
On Wednesday February 22nd, She went to work in the morning and never came home. She texted me and started a fight. I told her she needs to stop beating the dead horse and come home and deal with this like an adult.
She put up the post again, and I responded by telling her that I should tell everyone how she told me to kill myself with her own gun.
She responded, and I quote. "Go ahead. I'll say it again. You loser".
She then responds by saying, "maybe I should blow my brains out."
I responded by telling her that if that is her train of thought, then I am beyond happy that I hid the gun and that she needs to talk to someone.
I didn't know what to say and had to go to work the next morning so I ignored the rest of her texts for the night.
She never came home that night, but she did text me the next morning and said, "I wanted to let you know that I am safe, in case you are worried."
She came home on February 23rd straight from work, went upstairs, and then was getting ready to leave. I was trying to talk to her and she started throwing words around like "restraining order" and started walking into me and asking me if I was blocking her path. This scared the hell out of me because she was taking this to a whole new level.
She came home about two hours later, was on her phone, but wasn't talking, and she went upstairs, and I still heard no talking. As she was leaving, I asked her where she was going, she told me to "F off."
She came home that night at 10pm I tried to talk with her, but she refused.
Now, yesterday, in work, I tried to explain what she was doing to me via text. She is driving me absolutely crazy keeping me in this "limbo" state.
I told her that "Going out every night and coming home is not going to work out well."
"It is working out great for me."
I started thinking she was playing mind games with me at this point, and she came home about 10pm last night and went right upstairs. She came down around 11:30pm and without me uttering a word, she said, "relax, I am just going to Wa Wa."
She did, and she came back. I fell asleep.
Around 5:30am, I woke up and noticed that I had messages. It was my home alarm system, informing me that the alarm was turned off at 12:42am. I looked outside and her car was gone.
I now went from this being mind games, to this woman just doesn't care anymore.
She texted me about two hours ago and asked me if I could take a picture of something for her that she forgot to renew.
I did it, because I do not want to escalate anything.
Now, I appreciate if you stuck through all of that, but what the hell should I do? I feel like I am going psycho with this treatment.
I cannot afford this house alone! I would need to have the bank do a short sale or just walk away, and I will need to get an apartment again.
Now, to me, this is a real punch in the gut! To make a short story short, I lived on the streets when I was 15 years old, and slowly made my way up by working and renting rooms from various people, until I was able to get my own apartment.
I love this house! I always wanted a single house in the suburbs and I got it. The feeling of that every day when I pull up from work is something that I cannot describe.
I tried to get a loan to pay off the mortgage which would lower my monthly payments, but my credit is horrible now, while my wife's is fantastic.
I tried to ask for a raise at work, and was denied.
When my wife got paid on Thursday, she DID transfer me the regular amount that she has always given me towards the mortgage. We have separate bank accounts. So for now, I am okay, financially, but not emotionally.
Let me end by adding that we have not had sex since October.
I don't know what to do......
EDIT: I have literally no family and no friends to go to for help. I am an introvert and have social anxiety, so I fail when it comes to making friends.
My heart is breaking for you. You are in a horrible situation and you are clearly suffering. I can emphasise because I have a husband who treats me horribly. He is verbally abuse, and emotionally - won't talk to me for days for no reason. I don't know anyone around here, I feel so sad and so alone, and desperate sometimes.
Of course the obvious thing to say to you is go, leave her, get out....but I know from my own experience that it is not that easy. You make it clear that you have no support network, and that just makes it so much harder. It takes a lot of strength and self confidence to leave a relationship, and yours is being systematically worn down. So what I will say to you for now is this - you do not deserve to be treated this way. You have done nothing wrong. It is hard to leave - but not impossible. You need to work on building yourself up. The first step is to acknowledge that this is not your fault, and that you do not deserve this. Either your wife is a truly horrible person, or she has some serious issues of her own - either way you can't afford to think about that, you need to focus on you.
Is there anywhere you can go so that you are not sitting around on your own while your wife is out till all hours? I hear that this is difficult due to your social anxiety, but is there somewhere you could cope with going? Maybe a support group for people in similar situations or with similar conditions? I just think that sitting waiting for her with nothing else to think about but where she is and what she's doing must be driving you mad. Even if you went out to a movie on your own - just so that you're not home alone tortured by thoughts of where your wife is. Find something that you can enjoy, get lost in - anything to change your focus.
I think you already know that this relationship is damaging you and that you need to leave. But thinking of how to do that all at once is overwhelming. Small steps. Do things that make you feel better about life, treat yourself, look after yourself. Act kindly towards yourself. Treat yourself as a precious and valuable person, until you start to actually believe that you are. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to go right now - focus on gaining strength, one day at a time. Don't judge yourself too harshly. Look at the practicalities - think of where you could live, how you would cope financially. It's tough for sure, but not impossible. And if the house is in your name can you not ask your wife to leave? It sounds to me like you don't want her to go. I hear that you worry about her and want her to be safe. But I think she is very well aware of this and plays on it. It may be time to stop being Mr Nice Guy. Not many people would put up with this sort of behaviour, and you should not have to. Think about what you need - JUST YOU - and stop worrying about your wife. Take all the time that you need to get yourself to this point.
But remember, life is short, and it is precious. Don't waste it suffering at someone else's hands.
I wish you strength and love and confidence, and hope with all my heart that you find the happiness that you deserve. Better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you this way. Good luck.
Wow! That was an amazing response. Thank you so much!