Hi. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend ‘B’ for around 6 months now but we were friends for a couple of years beforehand. He has recently met my family and friends (B and I live away from them). Things went really well with the family, but with friends it was a total disaster. I have a male friend (I’m female) who I’ve known for around 15 years. We have never dated and I am not interested in him romantically at all. He is married with children and I’m also good friends with his wife. They wanted to take us out before we returned home, so we went out for a meal with them (they organised it) and a female mutual friend. B didn’t want to go and from the outset he was huffy, his body language was negative and he just looked angry the whole evening, barely speaking to anyone. After the meal, B suddenly wanted to leave. He was really abrupt and spoke to me very rudely in front of them. I was really embarrassed. He stormed off to the toilet when I said we would finish our drinks first and then we’d go as we were all still in the middle of a conversation.
When we left, all my friends shook hands with him and said how nice it was to meet him etc. B and I went for another drink, just the two of us and all hell broke loose. B accused my male friend of saying nasty things about him (personal comments, insults etc) under his breath/whispering and showing him disrespect. I did not hear anything of the sort and I was sat closer to this male friend than B so I’m not sure how B heard all of this. Granted, the meal was a little awkward/some silences in conversation, but it always is when you introduce new people to your group of friends. Secondly, I’m certain my friend wouldn’t say stuff like this, he’s just not that type, he has nothing to gain by saying it and has his self-respect to lose if he does. If he had have said these things, his wife and my other female friend would have heard as they were sat closer and they would have berated him for being immature. B also accused them all of not getting to know him or asking questions – I pointed out that perhaps it was his hostile body language that was a factor. They did ask him some questions but he shrugged them off/answered really briefly.
Now, a few weeks later, B will not stop harping on about how this male friend showed him no respect. I have pointed out that B showed no respect to me either, talking to me the way he did (he swore at me and shouted at me and said some very hurtful things). He said a quick sorry to me but won’t let this thing with my friend drop. Just to try and resolve this, about a week after the meal, I asked my friend if he was saying horrible things (I felt really stupid doing so and I felt like I was insulting him) about B during the meal and he said no. I asked him about one particular comment that B supposedly heard and my friend said “no, I actually said XYZ” which was completely innocent. Of course, B dismissed this. I have suggested to B that he may have misheard the comments (it was a very noisy place) but he is adamant about what he heard and won’t even consider this possibility.
B is accusing me of siding with my friend over him. I just find it hard to believe that my friend said these things (he said he didn’t) because it’s just not his style and secondly no one else heard them (they would have told him off if he did). B is saying I’m too defensive of my friend but I’m only defending him because these accusations are ridiculous, and logically, it’s not possible that these comments were made.
B wants to phone my friend directly to ‘have it out with him’ but I think it’s a bad idea as whatever my friend says, B will just dismiss it and it will probably cause a lot of friction/tension between us all. I will ask my friend more about specific comments if it’s going to help (even though I will feel really silly and childish) but regardless of what he says, B will just accuse him of lying. B has some anger issues and tends to over react but he just won’t let this go.
I just feel that this is all really childish and that B is more concerned with wanting some kind of revenge on my friend, than he is of how he treated me that evening and I’m not sure where to go from here; he just won't let it drop. He has this perception that everyone was targeting him that night, but I saw no evidence of that. He seems completely oblivious to his own rude behaviour, instead justifying his behaviour/hostility because he felt intimidated and threatened. Any thoughts? Thanks.
When it's all said and done, B needs to realize that if your male friend (or anyone at the table other than you for the matter) did say something to him which was insulting etc, then it's not your fault nor is it your responsibility to do sort it. It's his responsibility to discuss the issue with your friend and clear the air. B is a coward and basically a bully to blame you and verbally abuse you over the issue. Rather than phone him, he needs to talk to him face to face if it's such an important and urgent issue.
It's a clear heads up to just what sort of a man you're with. Insecure and immature are just two words that come to mind and you're more than correct when you use the words 'rude' and 'childish' to describe him. You need to share your life with others who share your values and standards and going by your post, B's ongoing attitude, behavior and his actions over this event leaves a lot to be desired.
Hey there. I can see you're frustrated and not sure how to handle B and I understand that completely. It sounds like no matter what you say, B's feelings on this are so strong that there is just no talking him out of it. Hmmmm.
Do you think his issue with your friend could really be about something else? Have you asked him that? Could he be jealous of the male friend (eventhough he is married and clearly just a friend)? Could it be about B's insecurities with himself? These are just some things to consider. I don't know that any of them have any clear answers, but I think it is definitely worth asking why B is so very bothered by this.
I commend you for trying to fix it in every way you possibly can. You are working hard on your end by asking your male friend for clarification, etc. If you have done all you can, I hope you are able to find peace in knowing you have done all you can.
I am not sure if you are open to it, but have you tried praying about the situation? Sometimes when I am in a tough spot and I feel like I have done all I can on my own, I just give it up to God. I pray for peace and strength. I cannot explain to you how much this helps me. I have seen God fix things that I never thought possible. If you really care about B, maybe try praying for him, for forgiveness between the two men, and for healing between you and B. It can't hurt. I will also pray for you. Blessings as you work to figure this out, friend.....
Thank you for your feedback manalone and HGA2017. The situation is still festering.
To answer your questions HGA2017, B thinks that my friend has a crush on me. He doesn't. He did many many years ago when we first met, but we never dated. B knows this. And my friend has a family now. I have always made it clear to B that I'm not interested in my friend in a romantic way.
B is still convinced that my friend said horrible things about him. My friend says he didnt. I'm completely torn as one of them is lying or its just a massive misunderstanding. I can't imagine my friend saying the things that B claims to have heard so that leaves me wondering why B is saying all this. He just wont let it drop. In his eyes, its a bigger deal that my friend disrespected him, whereas I think the real issue is his treatment of me and how he spoke to me.
He's saying I always put my friends first (I don't think this is the case -I barely see them, as we live a long way from them), that I'm sticking up/defending my friend too much (yes I'm defending him against ridiculous/childish accusations), that my friend totally disrespected him and overall making me feel guilty about the whole thing. He just wont calm down about it.
B is generally quite insecure. I help him when I can but I think this has just gone too far. He just wont consider that he could have misunderstood or misheard something. He just keeps asking what my friend's problem is and how he wished he'd punched him.
Even if my friend did say the things he heard (personal insults aimed at B), and this is very unlikely (plus others would have heard and told him off for being rude), does it warrant this response from B?
I have said to B that I'm not sure either of us can move on from this, so now he's saying that it's all my friend's fault if we split up. He thinks I idolise my friend and I don't. He's far from perfect. I just get tired of B verbally bashing him all the time. Especially when he hardly knows him.
Any advice would be appreciated.
B's profound insecurity is blinding him when you consider every angle of this ongoing saga. Of course he'll blame your friend if you guys split up and that means he's blaming you as well. He needs to realize that if he can't drop it or get over it, then he's not really leaving you much choice as to where you go with this.
You need a mature man who supports you and a man who at least respects you to allow you to have other friends of any gender without putting restrictions on you. Your 6 month relationship is early days and B's behavior and ongoing attitude with this issue just tells you, straight, where you stand. It's your choice whether you need a man in your life who's insecurity and immaturity means you are spending your time making sure everything is all good for him at the expense of your own happiness.
B is not comfortable in your world and so you need to figure out if thats a deal breaker.
No turning back here. You said it yourself.