My wife is kind of a big deal
So, we've been together roughly 8 years been married for 6. I know this is probably a fairly common problem in marriages yet have no idea what I should do.
My wife has been putting on the weight. She has 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship and we have a four y.o. together. I feel horrible for the feelings and thoughts that I do have because she's a terrific woman, wife and mother which whom I love dearly. I have to admit that I am a man though and sometimes get grossed out by her body. Which obviously leads me to not be so attracted to her physically anymore in the bedroom. It is like she has stopped trying to be her best self and has stopped trying to look pretty for herself or let alone me.
I feel shallow admitting this but I am man, prick me doth I bleed? I am no Greek Adonis myself but I strive to eat right, exercise and take care of myself regularly. I have voiced my concerns with her health in the most ginger of ways trying to inspire and motivate. She even asked for an elliptical machine for her birthday which I was happy to have bought and probably has been used twice by her in the year we have had it.
So I guess my coping mechanism has been to repress my feelings and libido but I know that will only last for so long. What's a guy to do?
Oh thread carefully as this can be a very touchy subject. Chances are if its bothering u its bothering her more. Suggest going for walks with her. Why dont u start cooking healthy dinners instead of her (who i presume does all the cooking) and if she asks just tell her youre trying to loose a few urself and could do with the support so lets do it together
It's a touchy topic for sure - it's hard for anyone to hear that their partner finds them less sexually attractive.
It's tough. I myself have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years and I've gained quite a bit of weight too. The only difference is that my boyfriend has also put on weight. We've both discussed our concers regarding health for ourselves and for each other, and we've made some efforts towards improvement - we bought a juicer and started juicing, we have an exercise bike, etc. It started off well, but it's now been months since the juicer or the exercise bike have been used... It's been tough to make & stick to habits.
Firstly, try to stay away from beliefs like "It is like she has stopped trying to be her best self", as this makes it feel like you are blaming her for not trying to be better for you. Can you honestly tell me that you continue to put 150% into the relationship every day? You say you have "voiced your concerns with her health in the most ginger of ways", but the overall vibe of your post makes me feel like you bring it up with her under the pretense of caring about her health, when your true motives are centered around your libido. Note that you are allowed and should not feel guilty for having a decreased libido. Everyone has a right to be attracted to certain characteristics and be repelled by others. I bring it up only to emphasize that you should try to stay away from pointing a finger at her for having "stopped trying to be her best self" for you, when it is pretty clear you are not trying to be your best self for her.
Have you looked at trends in behavior, or life events, that could explain the weight gain? You say you strive to eat right, but do you not plan/cook meals together with your wife? Do you cook yourself a nice healthy meal and leave your wife to cook her own stuff and she ends up cooking frozen pizza? Or have you offered to cook for her and she doesn't agree because she's picky? If she is a picky eater and does not like healthy foods, this is a more difficult situation. You could try to open her up to healthy foods by gradually encouraging her to at least try new things (e.g. I eat mostly junk food but I tried a quinoa salad the other day that knocked my socks off, I'm now looking into recipes to remake it!). But try to avoid "forcing" her to eat what you believe is better, because it's just not that easy to completely change one's diet, and you will meet way more resistance this way. By encouraging her to "try" new things, she won't feel pressured or coerced into it, and she'll most likely have a more open mind towards it (whereas forcing her to eat something may make her feel pressured and she may decide she doesn't like it before she even tries it).
What do your days look like? Do you help with household chores, or does your wife do all the laundry/taking care of child/groceries/etc.? You could offer to take care of household chores for an evening and encourage her to use some of her newfound free time to exercise. Does she watch TV or movies? Put the elliptical in front of a screen and have her work out while she watches her favorite show. Exercising for exercise is really hard to start doing when you're not used to exercising at all. If you get her to exercise while doing something she enjoys, it will be much easier to pick up the habit.
You say you take care of yourself regularly. What does this entail, exactly? Can you share this "taking care of yourself" with your wife? If you go to the gym, can you encourage her to go with you? Again, don't put this on her; don't say "I'm bringing you to the gym with me so you can lose weight". Try to put it in a more supportive way; "I'd like you to come to the gym with me because I love spending time with you and working out together would be really fun". ALWAYS try to make it seem like a team effort. It is HARD to start forming habits like these. She will need your help and support to build these new habits. But after a few months, once the habits are built, she'll gradually become more independent and show motivation to do them on her own.
The best way to approach this is not "how can I convince my wife to fix her problem", but more "how can I work together with my wife to help her adopt a more healthy lifestyle". Also, an attitude of "my wife should lose weight so I can get my libido back" is self-centered and drops the problem on her shoulders alone, whereas an attitude of "my wife should try to lose weight to be more healthy so we can enjoy a longer, better life together" centers the problem on both of your shoulders.
Tl;dr if you put this problem on your wife's shoulders alone as "her" problem that "she" needs to fix, you won't get anywhere. If you really want to help her, you need to look at the problem as something that both of you need to work together to resolve. If your wife sees that your intentions are to help her (and not to help yourself - and believe me, women are very perceptive, they can see where your true intentions lie), you will have a much better chance at really making a difference.
Good luck. Remember that no one chooses to gain weight. She is probably struggling with something; stress, lack of time, lack of motivation, or a number of any other possibilities. Find out what it is, help her overcome it, and help her build a better lifestyle.
Not sure why it says I have a profile here since 2014.. I guess someone else has used this username before, but I'm not that person.
Anyway if you want to chat more, I'd be more than happy to listen and spitball some ideas. Drop me an email at [e-mail address removed] anytime.
Email address is xmattattackxx at gmail dot com. I guess the site removes emails as a security precaution.
To site mods: I hereby assume all security risks with posting my email address on this website. Please refrain from removing it as I wholeheartedly wish to offer my email to the OP in case he would like someone to talk to further about his current problem.
You’re right. It is a fairly common problem in marriage. For better or worse, right? I believe you have much love for your wife and appreciate the importance of romance and passion in a marriage. And you are correct with such observations. A sexual relationship consummates a marriage with the sharing of one’s body, mind, and spirit with another. That is a pretty big deal!
However, this is not just about you. Because you have affection for your wife this conflict resolution should be easier. Dialogue may have to be at the center of this resolution. In your conversations regarding her weight, do your words convey unconditional love? Does she sense this love in the words and tone of your dialogue? Can you approach this issue without any expectations on your part? If you see your wife attempting to please you with her behavioral sacrifices, could you find that characteristic “sexy”?
Some experts suggest “rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air”, romance in marriage only lasts 2-3 years. Without a concerted effort on your and your wife’s part to maintain this romance, it will decline. I mean, can any of us really expect such intensity to last long? Our physical appearance is just one factor of many in maintaining intimacy. Other factors contributing to passionate love are caring (a desire to help another) and attachment (the need to be with another).
If we marry for a life time (God’s design for marriage), then we knowingly acknowledge romance may decline and other factors will be equal in carrying the marriage. I sense you are one that knew this. Perhaps it is time to embrace the many qualities you saw in your wife when you married her as a compliment to her physical attributes. I encourage you to share your outcomes with us because we all can use and maybe apply new positive experiences