I don't know if I should leave him, or if he even loves me at all?
Mi have been married for almost ten yrs, my husband has never been very affectionate and I am the most affectionate person in the world. I love sex and he shies away. Lately things are getting very bad. He ignores me or is screaming at me telling me how worthless I am, and in front of the kids. He seems like he just genuinely doesn't like me even though he says I love you frequently. Lately I have hit the gym and look better than I have in years, I have been focusing on myself and my emotional wellness and I don't know if this scares him. I try to talk about it and he tells me to shut up, I ask him for a divorce and he says no way, but yet he acts like I am the plague. I am sooo confused, I don't think he is cheating because he is home so much. I am at my breaking point because I don't want my boys to think this is how you treat a woman. I feel like he doesn't know how to love, but if he doesn't know by now it's not my problem. I am a good woman who loves very much and deeply, I know I don't deserve this treatment, I don't know why he is doing this???? To control me, to make me leave first, he won't answer me when I ask what to do??!!! Help anyone please!
get rid of!!!!...if you feel you cant do that then separate from this man and or get away for a while (if that is a possibility), give this monster something more focused to think about other than blaming you for everything and keeping you under his rigid demeaning discipline. keep up the good work for yourself and on improving your emotional and physical health, it will help you keep a bit of space for yourself and burn up some of his projected negativity.
it sounds as though you have already identified one of the main areas of his selfish and aggressive actions, it sounds as though he is even more put out that you are taking control of things that will make you happier in yourself: and it all sounds like a very draining and demoralizing environment.
when you took your wedding vows did you take them hoping to find yourself at breaking point?!!! so why should you stand for being at breaking point now in a totally loveless marriage.
don't kid yourself that what he is showing you is LOVE!
some people are just not happy unless they can exert power over others who disagree with them; and if that doesn't work they then have to involve others to try to force them to feel a certain way (usually their way!), you are better than this sort of treatment and the fact he is like this in front of your children says a lot about just how cowardly, bullying and desperate he is to influence those around him who are I'm guessing too weak, young and immature to fight back or understand the real reasons behind this aggressive agenda driven behaviour.
if you have friends, family or good support from elsewhere can you take the boys to stay for the night away from home on a regular basis (one night a week where you can feel safe and he can do what he likes and you don't have to be involved at all, is he ok with the boys?, could you take a break and feel happy to let him be with your boys? if so can you get away for a few days without the boys and stay with a good friend or in a hotel, guest house or alternative private accommodation space.
its not an easy thing to advise as you know what is best for you, and how or if your own family and friends can or cannot help.
there is help out there if you dont have others close to support you, so maybe try to find outsider help from something like a women's advice line/groups or maybe get some general information on situations similar to yours via specific websites or your local library or citizens advice.
good luck with this, its sounds a complete nightmare. don't let this carry on at the expense of your personal safety. I cant say if your husband is capable of anything violent and wouldn't suggest that obviously, but you have to take care not to let things escalate, violence is one of those things that can happen suddenly when people feel under threat etc.
maybe you should think about getting legal advice too so you can see what your situation requires and you can find out the realities of where you stand legally.
10 years is too long to be unhappy, make the changes and starts to finding real change now, don't be one of those forum posters who are still having to write in in 2 more years still so very unhappy with this same man and broken down completely, or god forbid battered! no one would want that for you. so take action soon.
your deep love sounds worthy of someone else, not someone who is going to continue to treat you like dirt. you are not even getting the basic human respect or social needs that a new dating partner receives - never mind a married spouse!!
I think you do know if you should leave him, you are just very frightened and don't know how to start considering your options and what is really out there for you. you will not be the first woman or man that has had to suffer an abusive or controlling partner.
I think if you can, make the citizens advice one of your first priorities to talk to someone professionally and confidentially, they will be able to offer advice and you may be able to say a lot more than you can online. take care and put yourself first.
you are married, you are not his emotional slave or emotional punch bag and now you are beginning to stand up for yourself, don't lose that ground you have worked so hard to shape for yourself in getting a better self esteem etc, my advice is empower your self in getting to know about your options and parental responsibilities and legal options and get the hell out of there, either short term, long term - with or without your boys or shared access... you will only really know more about what you can do and discover just how much power you do have once you start to explore the options and possible outcomes.
he says no way to divorce, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the same physical space as him forever. you are not the first person who has been in this place so you can and must find out how others cope, what others do in this situation, how others have come out the otherside of something they felt would oppress them forever...they are pout there so it might help if you find them and read about their stories or could speak to them in a local help group or something.
people do get help and get away from people like this. if he is violent or capable of violence then you must involve the police! there is no other option than to put your safety and that of your boys first!
it wont be easy to make the moves you need to make if you are so frightened and under his influence, as you've suffered years of mounting control i suspect, but you will be glad you took control and broke away from this incompatible poor excuse of a man.
there are loads of lovely lovely men out there who will love and respect you and have actually grown up enough and know how to treat others, and know what love and responsibility really mean.
you are taking control to better your life, so keep going on that track. you have rights too, so find out "professionally and legally what they are" before you risk endangering your future happiness or the potential safety of your mental health, physical health or the safety of your children.
put yourself first now, find out what will free you from this fool and get out of there.
you've made a great start, small steps and you'll get there eventually. take care and best of luck.
maybe you will be lucky enough to hear from people who have been through this first hand. just remember that whatever happens over the next few months or so: this loser doesn't deserve your thoughtfulness or love any longer.
you are doing all the right things, now its time to try a few more to help yourself further.
its not too late to change things and get a sense of peace and happiness (unless you want to let him destroy you completely).
Anotherview has said it so well. It doesnt matter what the reasons are for someone to act like that. I am going to be the bad guy for a second..so bear with me. I have seen many of times where one blames the other for unvalid reasons. So.. is there anything that you have done that may of started this behavior. cheating, lying, anything... and be honest (not even to the world, but with yourself) If so, that probably triggered this. So you tell all and find out where you stand. If you HONESTLY did nothing. Is there a chance that he heard a rumor or something that triggered this. Sometimes u will never know, but i had someone spread a rumor about me that was horrible and untrue and cost me a relationship that i was in for four years. I was devistated when it happened, but in the end im glad it happened that way, because i realized that he didnt know me well at all, and that was ok.
Everyone deserves to be happy and please dont think that i am defending him because that is not the case at all. Sometimes we have to analyze ourselves to find out what a problem is and we dont like our own answers.
Dont ever let anyone define who you are. You can find bad men anywhere, but you will only ever have you to depend on. Best of luck and please take care of YOU.