Been in love with him for years and have to finally admit it
I'm going to try my best to make a very, very long story short...
I've been in a friend/relationship with a man for almost 6 years now. We met at work and an intense sexual relationship started shortly after my separation with my now ex-husband. It was up and down, hot and cold for a couple of years....all while working together and me going through a nasty divorce. I ended up leaving that job about 4 years ago.
There's been hurt feelings, lies, jealousy, betrayal from mutual friends, extreme passion and downright hatred sprinkled in. He's dated people in the past, as have I. Through it all, we stayed friends and eventually got to a point where we are very close friends who hang out all the time. We talk every day, go out to eat at least once a week, catch a movie, go away for the weekend, etc....basically stuff a couple would do. However, we've never acknowledged the fact that we are more than just "friends with benefits". Never once have we had a conversation about pursuing a more romantic relationship. He's a very private/guarded person but has opened up and admitted that he is emotionally unavailable along with other issues stemming from his childhood. I too have my issues that he knows about and we love each other despite our flaws.
I'm crazy about him and I know he knows it. The past 2 years, I've been trying extremely hard not to fall in love with him. The early years of bullsh*t would haunt me and I refused to let myself go through another painful experience. He's proven to me that we're past all that and it's clear we have a deep mutual respect for one another.
I'm at a point where I have to tell him how I truly feel and I need to know his true feelings for me. I want to see if he's willing to put a label on us, for a lack of a better word. I'm just terrified to do it and have no idea why. I know he'll never approach the subject so it's up to me and every opportunity that arises, I chicken out. I'm great at putting my thoughts down on paper but as soon as I open my mouth, the words just don't come out right. I could write him a letter but I don't want to. I always write letters when tough issues arise and it's important to me to do this face to face. We have plans to go away for the night this weekend so I'm trying to muster up the courage to initiate the conversation.
Any ladies been in a similar situation? How about guys? Any tips, tricks, advice, words of encouragement?!?! I'll appreciate anything I can get
I think you're going to find pursuing a relationship with this man a complete dead end. Isn't it obvious to you that he doesn't want more and probably isn't deserving of more?
You'd be best off finding someone else and completely cutting off your friends with benefits relationship on your part as it's not enough for you. You probably won't. Why? Because it's hard. It's a lot harder to move on than it is to put up with this. But.. How are you going to feel when it hits ten years into it and nothing has changed?
Face the hard facts. If you sat down and wrote down the pros and con's on a piece of paper and were honest with yourself I believe you'd see much clearer. I would cut off even friendship. A man that continues in a friends with benefits relationship but knows he's hurting the woman is at best weak and worst a user, I think he's probably both and no prize.
Get strong yourself and break out of this. It's your life to live. Do your best to give yourself every chance for happiness.
Thank you Alsosusan2 and believe me, I'm not at all surprised by your response. He seems like a complete waste of time and undeserving of any more attention. But I have literally sat down and written out pros and cons and the cons do win. Don't you think a conversation is at least warranted? If nothing else than to get a firm answer. I agree that a FWB would have to end if his feelings do not match mine but I don't think I'd ever end our friendship. We've gone long periods of time not having sex so I know there is an actual friendship between him and I.
Unless this relationship has ramped up on HIS part, say nothing.
He has already told you where he stands (unavailable in ways that bind people together.
If things never change, would that be OK with you? Because he seems to be satisfied with how things are.
Hi SUSIEDQQ.....he has told me about being unavailable but almost as a precaution. In talking to him about failed past relationships, he mostly blames himself and it's obvious he struggles with something he himself can't seem to understand.
If things never changed would I be OK with it? I guess so but the not knowing is what's getting to me. If he told me there's no romantic future for us, at least then I would know and proceed in looking elsewhere for that.
This may seem like a no-brainer MISSMLEE, but if you've been trying really hard not to fall in love with him all of this time, then how will you ever fall in love?
Honestly, it sounds like you and this man are kind of equals in this situation. You both mesh really well together. And you say that you are "More than friends with benefits". You are special to each other. And I don't know if that means you want to be completely exclusive to each other or not? But I do know one thing - it means you don't want to lose each other.
I think you should find out what you are worth to this man. What does your friendship, your companionship, your love mean to him? Would it hurt him much if you weren't in his life, or are you someone he feels he could replace?
My advice? Go through with your plan, and get as intimate as possible with this man this weekend. Get him to open up, and be real with you. And then find out how much you matter to each other.
Thank you very much Altreal. While I've received some great advice, both on this site and off, yours was the best. I'm very nervous about opening up and basically laying my heart on the line but I know it's finally time to do it. I'll keep you all posted
if you want to tell him how you feel and you want to find out about how he feels for you then there is only one way you can do that! ask him. no one on line can really tell you, no one you know can tell you for sure even if they know (its not the same thing), even his friends or parents wont be able to tell you like he can and in his own way, because that will be and feel special to you if he does reciprocate still.your heart will melt I'm sure!
find the courage and if all else fails (take a note with you and show him).
er: you have plans to go away with him! then why are you worried and flustered online here
if you feel for him and he feels for you I think it will happen naturally and you will love it!
if that doesn't happen then invite us all with you next time you are planning meet him and we can all knock some sense into his head lol
have a great time with him. its sounds really positive for you. so don't be afraid.