Divorcing my husband
ZAISHA - Mar 8 2017 at 16:29
I am an Asian girl and like most other Asian girls I don't have any permission to choose my life partner.I had to marry a guy my parents chose for me despite the fact that I already had a boyfriend whom I loved so much.So due to my parents pressure I married their preferred guy.I tried my best to move on and continue my life with my husband.But even after 2 years I don't feel connected to him.I don't even love him even though he is a really good person.I sill love my ex.I feel guilty.On the other hand my ex wants me back in his life.Should I tell my husband everything and divorce him.I really am not happy with him and neither can I give him any happiness.
Why most of girls are cheating their husbands?
you can tell ur husband abt this previously
Hi Zaisha, my first thought was on this was, if you do divorce your husband wont your parents expect you to marry again in time another person they choose? if so, wont you be in the same position again if you discover you don't love him in time.
I know arranged marriages can and do work for many people, so I guess there is nothing to say your next meeting if it has to be arranged, wont stand a better chance than your existing relationship of late. maybe if you are happy for your parents to find another match for you then maybe at least let them know the sorts of things that are not ok for you and maybe ask for a trial time when you have a chance to say no if you don't feel a connection. they may be your parents, but I'm not sure they have enjoyed knowing you were unhappy (if they knew) for 2 years with someone they thought was suitable. so maybe you should be more open with them next time if you are in this situation again.
its sad that things have not worked out for you, but love is love wherever you are from and what traditions you keep or are expected to respect.
I cant say what I think you should do in this situation totally because it sounds pretty complicated and we only know a small part of your story, but here are some thoughts anyway so it might help you, it might not who knows: but if it were me I would (if you are allowed a divorce and it wouldn't bring shame on you) I would divorce and in time when I was able to get myself strong again and mentally ready and accepting to find love, I would want to find happiness again.
the fact that you knew you loved someone else probably didn't help, but I admire you greatly for respecting your parents wishes (it could have all ended up very happily for you, but you took a chance and unfortunately it didn't work that way). The problem is that love can be such a powerful emotion and real love is hard to supress, especially when you are diverting that love to please others perception of you.
have you spoken to your ex about what he wants and whether it is a realistic possibility, or old memories of what could have been, is your ex single.
also it might be worth thinking about why you broke up, was it just due to your parents wishes for you to be in their choice of man or were there other things about your ex that you've forgotten that were not that great and might not make you a good match now.
it sounds as though you have given things a real go with your current partner, but this is the real world, and we have to look to the realistic things that will make us truly happy, and share things with people that we can in return make happy too because we want to, not from pressure or other reasons.
happiness and love are really important things to keep things going if you find them, life can be so draining and people around us and the everyday can be tarred with encounters from others that are selfish, competitive stale or emotional etc, so you have to find the good things that can help you grow: but don't forget that however a good or nice a person is (married to them or not) if you don't love them or are sure that you don't connect and haven't for a long time and no longer wish to because you are sure that this isn't what you want, then I'm not really sure there is much point staying with them. your heart is already telling you the answer to this question, you are looking for a bit more confidence to take it to the next small step to see if you can do this.
its doubly sad especially as you say your husband is a nice person, but if you don't love him maybe he should be given the chance to meet someone else who can love him the way he probably would have liked with you but isn't getting and probably will never get!
as far as should you tell your husband everything? I personally wouldn't! (its just my opinion, not my advice to say you must do the same, but it is what I would do in your situation); what is the point of kicking him twice. you don't love him and that is probably a big enough blow for him already. I think the fact that you are saying for sure that you don't love him anymore in my humble opinion; then that is all that is probably best to say about it all, especially if he is such a good person.
just be honest and as kind as you can with him in telling him that your love for him has gone and that you don't want what you have with him anymore.
there is going to be upset and probably him begging you to stay etc, but if you don't love him you are much kinder to stick to your decisions and talk to him to keep letting him know when it comes up in conversation that you are serious about this and that you are not happy.
do your parents know or like your ex? could this cause problems if they don't like him? ultimately if you are going to ask for a divorce you need to be certain that you are either going to be ok being single or prepared for an ex who may not be as ready as you hope. of course the ex may love you to bits and you are the happiest person in the world.
what would it gain to tell your husband everything? I think it would only make your divorce and his relationship with you bitter or harder.
just my thoughts, hopefully others may give you their thoughts too and you will have a bit more to think about too. what do your friends or other family members think of your ex. of course its up to you in the end. so good luck with it.
I think the short term will bring uncertainty and upset, but I think you will be happier breaking away from your husband. is a separation an option so you can have some more thinking time?.
do you know any Asian divorcees well enough to find out how they coped? good luck in finding happiness again.