Losing my mind....
I am losing my mind and need help or advice… So I am pregnant, baby is due any day now and I have major worries. The father is a major alcoholic, who hid it well up until the point I moved out of state with him. He often ignores me entirely when he drinks and I fear what will happen when its time to go because I know he will be drunk… not to mention afterward… I love the guy still, stupid I know, but I do. But I just cant take it anymore. A constant fight. He says hes sorry and promises to try to quit, and I pretend to believe him, hopeful that maybe this time he really will, then a day later its right back to the same as it was. And we fight, again. Hes getting more and more angry with me over his drinking, blames me, gets mad at me for ruining his fun when all I want is for him to sober up and to be here for me in my time of need. I am so tempted to leave… but the only other way out I have is with my ex husband. We have been separated for 2 years but he still wants me to go back. Despite me telling him over and over that I don’t love him and never will again he still tells me he loves me and wants me back, if for no other reason than to show me hes changed and to let him make up for 9 years of mental and emotional abuse, for his controlling ways, lying and cheating… and I am afraid that people like that never do change and that if I were to return with him, even in a platonic way, that he will only be worse and never let me out of his sight. The only good thing in that is that I can be with my daughters again. I had to let them stay with him because he was in a far better positon than I was starting all over from being a stay at home mom for 8 years, plus its practically impossible to get lawyers and judges to go against a deputy of their county in anything, much less a battle for custody. The fact that his department would pay all his legal fees would leave him limitless and me screwed. He has offered to drive the 2000 miles to get me himself. And as much as I want to be with my girls I know he will never stop trying to get me to reconcile the marriage, knowing it isn’t what I want at all. I want to do what is right for my kids… but it just feels like im stuck between 2 bad situations, or completely alone in all of it. I have no one to talk to or to ask for advice from… if anyone can offer anything… it would be greatly appreciated… I am just at a loss, stressed out, afraid and don’t know what I should do…
Ma'am I understand this is a difficult time for you. And this could cause affect your baby. You shouldn't be near an acoholic because it is going to tramatize you. You shouldn't be ignored you should have 24/7 care. I recomend that you should trust someone that cares about your healthcare and stay with them until you get sufficent help. I understand that you love him but what he does isn't love it is causing you to lose yourself. A guy will do anything to make a women fell like he has got her. Then right when he sees he has you. He will just go back to where he was. And if you guys want to try to work it out more better you should seek a counselor. He definitely needs to go to rehab. If his drinking is going out of control. I believe that you deserve better as becoming a mother. WOrry about your child. You wouldn't want to see hi or her. See their parents fighting and causing trama to the little one. (Y) (A)
First of all, you are never alone. Please embrace that! Indeed, this is a very complicated and challenging position you are in. I admire your insight and knowledge of the issues that will affect your future decisions. You have done a great job at specifically identifying the problems. Now it may be time to do some emotional fact checking by identifying what is most important to you and how you prioritize these values. This will be difficult because it inevitably involves temporarily hurting others, perhaps even yourself, to maintain your stated values.
You have suggested that your children are an important part of who you are. Let’s start there. If they are the most important thing to you at this time, ask yourself how do I best provide, protect, and care for them. Would you want them raised in the home of an alcoholic? What you don’t see can hurt you. You mentioned you love him, and I believe you, but remember if you have chosen your children as the most important value in your life, it is not about you. It is about your children. Or are you willing to live with someone you do not love, and may abuse you again, but can provide for your children at this time? Will he accept another child into his family of which he is not the father? I think it is unrealistic to think that this rekindled relationship with your ex will be platonic. Very few men will ever drive 2000 miles for a strictly emotional and social relationship.
Yes, you are caught between two bad situations, but perhaps there is another possible solution to these challenges. Suppose you take control of your life situation instead of giving it to the men in your life who, at this time, may not have earned the right to be with you. What if your life takes on new purpose and meaning? This would involve you being a single mom in your own environment with new friends and mentors. Friends can make you or break you. You will need to identify the many resources and safety nets that are available for mothers in similar situations. They do exist and remember, you are not alone in this adventure. This new independence on your part could also include the development of existing or new skills that will not only lead to profitable employment but also self-worth. Eventually over time and with perseverance you may be able to challenge for the custody of all your children. The description of your ex’s resources may be misappropriated and illegal. When you decide to walk with integrity and purpose you will become the person you were created to be and become a remarkable influence for your children. And isn’t that your most important value?
Finally, I ask you to hold close the notion that you are a uniquely created and special person who is cable of many great things. You are worth waiting for!
Keep in touch.