My boyfriend doesn't make me feel like I matter
Ok, so I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and we've had talks in the past about how we both feel regarding the way he treats me.
He's very kind and caring and I'm his first and only girlfriend. Whenever we've had discussions such as him not treating me like a partner and more like one of his mates, him not believing what I say and asking his friends or anyone else about whether certain facts I say are true; sometimes he'd google it. Another on was when he'd dominate conversations and shut me down or cut me off mid-sentence.
I am a very patient person but these acts are so rude!
Anyway, what the problem is that he promises to change and then he'd either subside back to his old ways or develop a new problem. For example, I always feel like second best e.g towards his family and his friends , like he'd drop anything for them, and focus on their needs instead of mine. I don't mean to sound needy but I literally do EVERYTHING! I clean, I cook support him when he's down, motivate him to go to the gym and finish his work etc.
Whenever he's on the phone or playing computer games, I can't disturb him. However, when I'm on the phone or watching TV he's allowed to make as much noise ans he can no matter how many times I ask him to be quiet.
I literally feel like I'm just there to pick up after him. We've been together for nearly three years and whenever I'm with him and his family, I never quite feel like I'm actually part of it, even though he claims that I am. I feel like I have to watch what I choose to eat because they'd make comments about my weight e.g I'm a really fussy eater and compared to them I eat a children's portion of food. however I have curves and in comparison to his sister in-law who is from China, very tall and skinny i'm quite big. I try to explain that the reason for this is that she smokes but they ignore it (as always).
I've explained to him that his family need to understand that his life doesn't revolve entirely around them but he says "they know that", if that's so then why do they never understand that as undergraduate students in London we hardly have any free time and have to support ourselves by working on the weekends?
OK, so as someone who's been with their boyfriend for nearly three years, am I supposed to be treated like this? NO!
I should be a priority, since he claims that i'm the only one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. His family want us to get married too. I love him dearly but I don't feel like I actually belong to his family, I feel uncomfortable because he constantly leaves me out of conversations when we're all dining together, or if he includes me it feels forced.
I suffer from depression but he seems to ignore that, if I ever get upset he never asks me what's wrong, only if I've taken my medication.
Has anyone get any advice?
Respectfully, when it's all said and done, you have a choice to stay with your BF or leave. He'll never change and you can't expect him to, rather you need to accept all of him if you're to have any chance of spending your life together with him. You're correct, you're not supposed to be treated like you describe in your post, but again, it's your choice. You don't need to be there to solely cook, clean, or motivate him, rather, your BF should have the need to share the responsibilities of living together and if you do get married, be assured, he'll be exactly the same as he is now. Going by your post, he either doesn't understand your depression or doesn't have the need to and therefore doesn't care to.
You need to choose a partner who shares your values and who respects you, but you don't need a partner who basically dictates that you walk behind them rather than beside them. His family really have no say in the matter but going by your post, they still have a degree of control over your BF which divides his loyalty between you and them. If they want you guys to get married, then they should be accepting of you, rather than making comments about your weight. All that should matter is that their son and you are happy together regardless of who you are and what you look like.
In other words, you're with a selfish, needy and somewhat controlling man who makes the rules in the relationship and you're expected to 'toe the line' and hence your unhappiness. You may love him dearly, but does he feel the same way about you? His words are basically hollow if his actions are saying the opposite.
chic.. you answered your own question. should you be treated like this..NO. So now my question is why do we as women allow men to do this?? If you allow him to sit back and watch you work..he will. Marriage is team work and if hes not wearing the jersey by now you need to rethink where this is going. Be thankful your not married. Issues need to be resolved before ever thinking about marriage. I think that your weight is your issue --hear me out before you get upset. its not a cut nor a dig. We as people tend to blame on others what we cannot control..which is lets say weight. YOU need to realize that we are our own worst critic. If someone else says something about us that we dont like..we blame them. That is their ignorance not yours. One thing you will realize as you get older is bullying NEVER stops. He is the one with you and if HE doesnt like you for your weight.. you need to kick him to the curb. The other people dont matter. I dont think you will truely understand this, but they dont. I promise you this. If you feel good about you..thats where it starts and what matters..and everything about you will change. Its not worrying what a dang number on you shirt size says. You need to be good to you and love yourself.. because when it comes down to it.. you only have you to depend on. I hope you have a good relationship with your family because each of you need that and you both need time for other family members. You might be the love of his life, but you also need to understand that his family is just as important. As you get older "priorities" will change. For example..what if his mother got sick? She might need more attention than usual and how would you feel about that? Sometimes we are not top priority in our relationship. It doesnt mean that we are loved less, just that the need for caring for someone else is there at that moment and the intention is not to be ignorant to our spouse, but is more just trying to take care of what needs to be taken care of. You need to have a talk about where you want this relationship to go, but whatever you do, remember to be good to you and pat yourself on the back when you need it.
One suggestion: look at his parent's marriage and other family dynamics. His verbal abuse and attitude about a woman's worth and role in the home might have been modeled after the interactions of his parents. (Does his father speak like that to his mother? Is she in the role of the subservient?)
You need people around you that AFFIRM and NURTURE you, not those who give you a rough time. Since you are on medication, be sure you have counseling to go along with that. You need a "sanity check" person to help you figure all this out with you.