I just spent a long time typing on here just to have it disappear
After three years of marriage and numerous events.. I feel i have reasons why i feel insecure. When I brought this up after a recent spat to my husband..he replied its all in my head. So... I will pose events..tell you my thought and ask u to help me out (good or bad). I am totally committed in my marriage. I have no ties whatsoever with past exs. An ex is an ex for a reason. I dont believe in lying, cheating, flirting or anything that would impose trouble into a marriage. With that being said..here we go.
At our wedding..his family told him that he was doing his first wife wrong by marrying me along with a few other words. (if it was my family..they would of been told to leave)
Six months after being married..we changed his facebook to Our facebook. His family was upset over us doing so because it was his ex's. (if it was my family--i would of explained that, that is in the past..its time to move on and if they got rude would of just been removed) We talked and decided to just delete the whole thing.
A telephone directory had someones name on it that he had s with in the past. I didnt understand why it would be on the listing and after having her call raised a red flag to me. I was told it was nothing, but if its nothing..why the call.
his bestfriend who is female had trashed talked me prior to our wedding..she doesnt even know me except for kids in school. She called and he talked to her for awhile. After he was done i asked who it was and he said it was her. I just asked him.. your ok with her talking about me the way she did. I would never ever allow someone to trash talk my husband. You might not like him, but out of respect, how could someone allow this.
his friend left drugs in our vehicle..I am highly against it. Upon finding this i trashed every bit of it. his friend realized it was left behind and had called asking my husband to lie to me, so he could take them back to his friend. (Two things here..first of all we could of got in trouble for that..second is ..how can i ever be ok with my husband being around someone who is ok with lying like that) I had no right doing what i did..so im told by my husband and after the friend had found out i disposed of them.. a text was sent to my husband asking about if I knew a person who my husband had been with in recent past.. (guess that was to be a dagger) abt 3 months after that we were at a mall and a gentleman approached us saying so..your the famous drug collector. I knew itwas about the incident. and if it was the other way around.. and it was said to my husband.. i would of said yes..and told him it was wrong and none of his business (in a nice way) but would of defended? my husband.
Voicemail checks on his phone account..that i ask him about..his response is i have no idea. (I dont delete anything just because..i feel if you need to look you can. The past actions, make for future dilemmas.
Found numerous items from past girlfriends..exs..that i feel no reason to hang on to.
The latest was an item from a girlfriend from gradeschool..i told him i found it and why does he hang on to this stuff.. he said he loved her. I understand its gradeschool..its nothing..but I cant explain why i got the punch in the gut feeling. except for its been a feeling of not feeling secure, loved and wanted and not because of my imagination (he tells me its my imagination, that nothing is wrong.That angers me to no end..because i didnt call them, and i would never allow someone to hurt the one i love) so..your turn. any insight. I know how i feel, but maybe someone can explain itin man terms that he can understand..your either in a marriage or not. If you want your wife..you dont need other peoples stuff that means nothing, or should mean nothing.
You're right that he shouldn't need other people's stuff around if it means nothing. But maybe it does mean something... it sounds like your husband is either not wanting to commit (which doesn't make sense since he got married), or he has some serious insecurities. He needs to feel loved from as many sources as he can, and from what you said about how unloving his family is toward his choices, it probably stems from his childhood. If he's willing to get help then I would 100% support him and help him get to therapy, but if he doesn't think he has a problem then it may be necessary to cut the chord. You don't want to waste your life with someone who is wasting theirs.
Thank you jacob for your input. You said exactly what I told him I thought the problem was. He needs to feel secure from as many (mostly women) as possible and probably stems from his childhood. He said he wasnt raised that way. I said in a very calm matter that I cant see that, only because his family hates without a valid reason to feel that way (Might not be saying that correctly) but, If I did something to them to make them hate me, I could understand the input of trying to protect him. But since I dont talk to any of them except when they want to argue, there is no reason for the uproars.
When he was in the hospital over a pretty serious health issue, his sister mass texted? (it went out to all her contacts including my husband) people that I was trying to kill him because of insurance money. (four months after we were married) He didnt tell me exactly what was in the text..so after they (his family) came to see him at the hospital I asked them what the text was.. and was told it was none of my business it wasnt meant for me. After pretty much demanding them to act like adults instead of kids..they told me what was said. My response was..if you continue to act like this..you will be asked not to come back. For them to go to the extent of insinuating something like that is uncalled for (he had cancer). I would of been taking care of that issue as soon as it happened and stood up for him..so I am learning where i stand. Maybe he just doesnt want to be living alone? I dont know.. but thank you so much for your input, I appreciate it.
Couples therapy might help to figure out how your marriage can survive such negative behavior from his family, non emotional support from him, and your distrust of him.
A question -
Were you involved as the reason for his divorce from his wife?
How long did you date him?
No..absolutely not. Both of our spouses were deceased..so neither of us were divorced. I was a widow abt 6 years...he was a widow for abt 5 months when we started talking.
Ah h-h- that explains the comment from the family. Men grieve differently than women. They think he disrespects his wife's memory by becoming involved after his wife's death. Five months is not long, but that's up to him to decide when and with whom he is ready. He should have made that clear to his family. Don't feel you need to explain your relationship - that's up to him. But I doubt it will happen.
I don't know what to tell you, except that time may help this situation, but most of all, him standing up to others is his job.
Move away from these people if you can. He needs to find himself in a neutral environment.