Feeling like I need to share interests, my ex has to be good enough to men
I'm 24 and I was in an online long distance relationship for 8-and-a-half months last year, which ended in late November, when he left me. We never met in person as we lived in different continents and I had a few personal reasons why I couldn't travel to see him.
When he left me, it was sudden. He never let me try to talk to him so we could discuss anyrhing and try to fix things; he completely ignored me for two days, then told me to leave him alone and that he didn't love me anymore. He then posted a rant about me on a forum, saying things that he had never told me he had felt, which he had kept hidden from me. Some things he said were hurtful as if he had told me how he had been feeling, I could have changed or tried to explain (I sent a message to explain everything, but he ignored it). I loved him very much and I thought he was perfect for me.
He is interested in some things I am not, such as anime (which I have never watched), horror movies (I've never really watched many movies of any type) and a certain type of music (I do like it sometimes, but not in the way he does). I still feel jealous of other women who share his interests or have things in common with him as I feel like he would think they are better and more interesting than me, even if he doesn't know them. It makes me sad that I'm not more like them.
During the relationship, I was always comparing myself to other women that I thought he might like more than me if he knew about, either for their interests, looks or personalities. Four months after the break up, I'm stil comparing myself and feeling like I'm not good enough, not only for my ex (who said he never wants to have any contact with me again) but any men.
I know it is irrational; everyone has different interests. However, I feel like I need to like the same things he likes and be like him in order to attract another man. I feel like there will never be anyone else for me.
Is this normal? Would someone see me as not being as good as someone who had more of their interests/things in common with them?
Thank you. :)
First of all, there is one very clear and simple reason why things didn't work out: You were in an ONLINE, LONG-DISTANCE relationship. You'd never met in person, you had no real plans to meet in person anytime soon... It was doomed to failure, I'm sorry.
As to why he decided things weren't working out, or why you really liked this guy but he noticed a lot of problems with you, I guess you have more information on that than the rest of us. I think it's kind of lame how he dealt with everything, but I know there were some times when I was younger that I didn't handle confrontations with people from the Internet that well. Still, it's unfair that he went talking about you to people on an online forum, rather than discussing things in private with you. If he was posting on a blog and just kind of venting about things maybe I could get that, but here he is discussing things about you directly and with other people.
Let's look at an even bigger problem here, that I'm noticing in your writing. You are talking about changing, and comparing yourself to other women that this guy might like more than you. That's part of the problem. I realize that in relationships sometimes we have to make changes or sacrifices to make things work, but what you're talking about sounds like changing who you are to make someone like you... And you shouldn't have to do that, you should find someone who loves you for who you are.
Relationships become really complicated once you enter them. And I'm talking about real, actual relationships - the kind where you go on dates and get to know one another, and go to each others' places, and eventually move in together. At first you might think you have a match, but you'll begin to realize over time things you are unhappy with in your relationship, and things you might prefer if the time comes when you begin your search for a new partner. There are some things you just can't force. And it might you a few years to even realize some of those things.
As for the common interests thing... I think people should have things in common, but at the same time I think we're all individuals and that no two people are alike. There is nothing wrong with someone that likes rap music and cars dating someone that likes country music and cooking. It is much more hopeful when you meet someone who does have things in common with you - as long as they're not one of those people that is purposefully looking for someone different.
I know I am sort of an indoorsy guy, but contrary to what a lot of people might think, I actually like getting out of my house and going on adventures to different places every couple of days. People might automatically see me getting on well with a woman who likes staying at home and spending time with her family every day, but that might not be the case - it could be that I need someone really out-there and spontaneous who can get me out of my routine more often. See, things get complicated?
You should focus on your own life right now - your interests, your job, things that matter to you. Eventually you'll meet a guy you'd like to try to get to know better, and they may or may not end up being right for you - depending on a whole mountain of different factors. But seriously, I wouldn't bother "dating" someone that lives in another country and who you can only ever talk to online.