Should I call it off?
I have been in a relationship with a great man for the past two years who has made me feel very happy and loved.
We are due to marry in the autumn. Which I was so sure about until last weekend.
We were out last weekend and whilst out in a bar and after both probably having too much to drink we got talking about past relationships.
Not the best topic to talk about when you have both been drinking.
I said something I regret and he got up in a temper, spat in my face and left the bar.
I can't actually believe this happened. It's the first time he has ever done it and he said he was sorry the next day and he done it as he was hurt by what I had said but would never do it again.
I feel like I can't move on from it though.
I love him and he treats me so well, this is what I can't understand. However, I know I said some horrible remark. Advice needed?
Call it off until you're sure he's right for you, I'm not saying he's doesn't love you, but the fact that he spit on you isn't a good sign. You don't want to marry a man who would do that and it may seem small and you guys were drunk, but you don't know what else he is capable of. If he could do that imagine a deeper discussion and he gets upset... he could do worse. You said he hasn't done that before so there is other sides of him you may not have seen yet. Be careful, call it off and figure out if he is the man for you. A man who truly loves you should never disrespect you
You need to look at your relationship because there's something rotten about it when one partner can insult the other and get the extreme action that they don't need all because both were drinking too much. It's a two way street..why would you make a horrible remark to the man who treats you well and has made you feel very happy and loved?? You can't blame the alcohol because it never lies.
Thank you for both of your input. Two very different views. I know I'm not perfect and I'm the first to hold my hands up.
Just feeling really confused and lost with the whole situation.
I'm a firm believer that you should see (experience) ALL behavior before marrying a man.
So - you got to see his reaction to (what you admit) was a horrible remark.
Has he ever exhibited this kind of response to anything else? Have you seen him mad,sad, angry/confused?
I just wonder about the "remark" you made: Are you exploring why you said it? It cut deep - did you ever think it would get this kind of response? Apparently, a real 'nerve' got hit. You need to figure out if you provoked this response because there is some unsettled issue that is not being talked about.
Have you two done per-marital counseling?
Thanks for reaching out for advice and input in your situation! The expression, “How can things that were going so good, quickly turn bad?” comes to my mind as I read your post. It sounds like you two have invested a great amount of time and sharing in the relationship and you have learned to love and trust in each other enough to plan a marriage together! I appreciate your concern and the struggle you have over an unfortunate incident. I pray that you can move on quickly from the altercation. If he has sincerely asked for forgiveness and is ready to move onto the marriage then resolution should be made. Feelings can’t just be mended immediately, but if this is a relationship that has already lasted two years and is progressing to a lifetime, then forgiveness HAS to be a part of that. A marriage is forever, and there will undoubtedly be many other situations in which you will find yourselves at odds. If the decision was made to move into the bonds of marriage then a choice has to be made:
Forgive or move on.
It seems that alcohol was the catalyst for the argument in the first place, so perhaps a logical first step is to limit the consumption. Then I would suggest that you two have a frank and honest conversation as to why he got so upset by whatever experiences were shared. Once you understand exactly why he reacted so strongly then you may be able to work toward the forgiveness that this relationship requires. If you need assistance in how to confess and forgive each other perhaps you could see a Christian counselor or Pastor or Priest to facilitate the reconciliation. They will keep your confidence. The Bible has some great advice on how to love in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. It reminds us there, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” I hope that you two can sit down, visit about the hurt, confess and forgive and let go of the hurts of the past. Don’t let your past run your future. I hope this helps and would welcome your response.
Have a terrific week!
Thank you so much for your kind encouraging words Martin. They mean a lot when I am feeling this way.
I will seek out the advice you have suggested.
The first thing I want to say is to SUSIEQQ. "You need to figure out if you provoked this response because there is some unsettled issue that is not being talked about". This statement really concerns me. It is almost like you are blaming her for his abuse. AND YES IT WAS ABUSE.
If he will spit in your face, which I can think of very few thing that are more disrespectful, it is no telling how much more he would do out of anger. I can not even imagine what would have to be done to me for me to spit in someones face. Get up and walk away from something that you didn't want to hear, ok. I can see that. But this was much worse. You need to seriously consider this relationship. Even if you don't call it off maybe consider lengthening your engagement until you are sure that you can forgive and he will not be abusive.
So glad I could be of assistance! If you would like to chat about this further, please let me know. I hope that all things work together for good in your situation.
All my best,
Oh - I am not condoning or making excuses for someone spitting in anyone's face. Ick. He is totally responsible for his response to a very hurtful remark.
But (according to her) this is a great guy, making her happy and loved for two years.
They were drinking - and talking about past relationships. (Wonder how that came up?)
She said something "horrible" and regretful. He reacted - ick - and then apologized. He sure has a right to his anger; what was not right was the spitting.
I think I asked some valid questions: has she ever seen this emotion from him before; and why did she say that "horrible" remark to him?
She has second thoughts about the relationship now. If she can put the spitting aside, and he can put aside the remark, hopefully they can work things out.