TRAUMA QUEEN - Apr 5 2017 at 21:53
My husband and I have been together 18 years. We have always had our problems but it has gotten worse in the last several months. He stopped wearing his wedding band the first of the year and never has much of anything to say to me. Even when I try to talk to him he acts as though it is a bother. Now when I go to kiss him before I go to work he will turn his cheek for me to kiss. He will not snuggle or even hold hands with me. we have only had sex 2 times in the last 2 years and I initiated them. I think that it is time for me to leave. What do you think?
One of the problems that we had was that him and my daughter from another marriage never got along. She is 21 and living on her own now. I will not go to counseling because we have tried that a couple of times in the past and it did not seem to work. Basically we felt like we were paying someone to piss us off. WE always left there more angry than when we arrived. I have asked him but as I said he isn't exactly talking much.
I empathise with your issues as I've had very similar in a past relationship.
I assume you have tried talking to him and not getting much response - What is it you feel you'd like to do, would you like to try and work it out as you did mention that you have always had your problems, can you see anything changing for the future or will it just fall back to how it is now if you both did manage to move forward, do you suspect he could be having an affair or have another life, what is your gut instinct telling you? Once you feel you can answer some questions/thoughts of your own then you may realise yourself what you should be doing which is best for both of you for your future happiness whether together or separately, as I think you may have decided but require some clarification.
If you wold like to communicate further please do let me know as I wish that I would have had someone to talk things over with who had been in a similar situation.
Either way whatever you decide please put you first and foremost.
Dear TRAUMA QUEEN,
I appreciate you asking the question and sharing your concern. It must be very difficult to deal with the changes in behavior that seems to have become more pronounced lately. You shared that intimacy, both personal and physical, are basically gone, and I wonder if you have asked him if there is someone else he has been seeing since the beginning of the year. I know that may sound kind of extreme, but all the red flags are there: no wedding band; no physical contact; no conversation; no sex…etc.
But marriages can come back from things like this so before you decide you are going to leave there are a few things that can be done. I hope this helps:
1. If you truly think he is having an affair you can have him investigated to support your suspicions. This seems extreme, but it’s valid for a few reasons: First, if he’s not then it prevents an awkward accusation in the heat of the moment. Second, it provides clarity to your current situation. Third, if it turns out he is having an affair and a divorce situation occurs, it will help you establish your case as the divorce proceeds.
2. You can initiate conversations—clearly communication has broken down in the relationship if the intimacy levels have gone down as far as you say they have. But after 18 years, a marriage is worth fighting for! The wedding band is the perfect conversation starter since it’s the physical representation of your relationship.
3. Once again, seek help from a third (non-online) party. Find a good marriage counselor or a Pastor/minister that can help you communicate better with each other. You may even find some things about yourself that you didn’t realize were there—things that may be contributing to the lack of marital connection.
These are a few of my thoughts/suggestions that I wanted to share with you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.