Indecent proposal? Where do we go from here?
I suppose I should give some background before asking my question. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy, we're both in our late twenties and have been together over two years.
This evening we were having a discussion about something inconsequential, and I mentioned how I go on the internet for comfort/attention when I feel lonely or down. He said that I should talk to him instead, and I told him that I would get a certain itch scratched online I knew he was unwilling to touch. I wanted to be more open with him, because I do struggle with communicating. I confessed that I would play pretend online before we were together and I would like for him to pretend with me, since going online for this purpose is something we both consider to be cheating. I would never cheat on him, and I was mighty embarrassed for asking. Practically begging him not to judge me for wanting that, to which he called the requests gross and immoral/wrong. I told him it didn't have to be an incestuous relationship, just one where he has authority over me, but it was shut down. I told him it's something I would very much like to which he responds, "there's something I have asked you to do that you won't."
I knew exactly what he was talking about, he wants me to get on top of him during intercourse. I told him I have tried to do it and that has nothing to do with what I have asked because it's not the same. He contested that the two proposals are similar, and that I didn't try. I said I did try, and on more than one occasion, but stopped after he said some things about how I could move to make it better. I felt hurt, to me he was comparing me to experiences with his last partner and I said that hurt my feelings. He kept saying I didn't try, and I really wanted to but couldn't fully explain all my feelings past the fact that I was nervous being in that position and from when he said I felt like I wasn't good enough and so I stopped. I was feeling hurt all over again with him not realizing that I've tried and then thinking of my inadequacy. He didn't apologize right away, and when he did it was a blanket, "I'm sorry," which I felt wasn't meant. I don't feel like anything really has been resolved and I'm not sure where to go or what to do next. Any suggestions?
If he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. He obviously isn't comfortable doing it. If you don't wanna go on top then you don't have to either. Try and find something you would both enjoy in the bedroom. Sex isn't everything either. It is important but as your relationship goes on it isn't everything.
I know that sex isn't everything, and our relationship isn't based solely on that. I just feel frustrated because he says he wants me to be open and talk with him, and when I do I'm blown off. And instead of really discussing my needs, he immediately brings up how he feels slighted and then I have to explain how I actually tried (unlike him, he said absolutely not) and then when I express my feelings on that matter I'm dismissed yet again. So all in all I just don't know how anything will get better. I'll still feel lonely and unheard.
If you are contemplating marriage, would you consider couples counseling?
What you are describing will grow to become a bigger issue as time goes by, since you have many more years of sexual activity with this fella - and he with you.
No request is immoral or obscene or should be frightening, humiliating, or be a turn-off BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS.
There is no shame in fetishes or sexual positions, as long as there is a willing partner.
Sort this out. It's important.