Hey random people! Please read this and tell me what you think
Hi. Just need some unbiased feedback from complete strangers. Long term relationship. Have an 8 year old daughter. Very immature and irresponsible partner. Smokes pot and plays video games. He has only put our daughter to bed a handful of times in 8 years. I left him 4 years ago and took him back 2 years ago in the interest of trying to make it work for our daughter, and for ourselves. Told him in order for it to work he needed to get his licence (as I moved to my hometown in the country and you NEED to be able to drive) and I did not want to have to act like his mother. He agreed. Flash forward 2 years. I have taken him driving. I have a standard and he didnt want to drive that so I got an automatic. Still has not tried to get his licence. Told me it was because I am not helping him enough.
I am a very patient, sensitive and considerate person. I can work with people who take time to learn things and those who try and make mistakes. I had to go to therapy last summer due to a resurfaced memory of child abuse. I tried to talk to him about it once after one particularly rough session. he wouldn't even look up from his DS (handheld game console fyi). He is 34. I am 30. I have been putting myself through university while driving him to and from work while parenting out daughter while he does very very little. He plays with our daughter. thats about it. We have done counselling, but he managed to turn the psychiatrist in his favor, so it seems, because she told me "i was controlling due to abuse in my past" and that "he gave up a lot to move here to be with you."
He was living with his parents. he had a decent job at a bakery. he smoked good city hydro and enjoyed high speed internet. We have none of those things in the country. I had to express anger (which is hard for me to do) a number of times when he has left his weed all over the house for our daughter to find. He seems to think that live-chat to porn site chicks is not cheating. his response when approached about any wrongdoing is "I didn't think about it." I have had to tell him to stop whacking off in the living room because he was leaving STAINS all over the couch and the floor. I have had to do this TWICE. Which is revolting to me.
He is like a 15 year old boy. he hasnt grown up. its just getting worse all the time.
Recently had to travel for a job interview that would make ridiculously good money, but would require me to be away from home for a few days at a stretch. I was only gone for the day and was not able to make it home for bedtime due to a traffic accident and road closure.
i get home nearly midnight to find my daughter wide awake. her father went to bed at 9 00 and left her to her own devices. I freaked. I have not been able to look him in the eye for a week. It's one thing to fall asleep while reading to her and just being like "oops" but to actively CHOSE to go to bed because HE WAS TIRED FROM HAVING TO LOOK AFTER HER ALL DAY. Needless to say I am at my limit....this was the last straw.
He has been given so many many chances and I get walked on each time. But its my fault when things go wrong.
I have a guilt complex - my daughter loves her father with all her heart and despite all this he is not a bad person - I am having a really really hard time getting up the courage to leave because i know he will go back to the city and not bother with his licence and she will hardly see him. Last time we were apart i drover her 4 hours one way and back again each month to see him for a weekend. I never got anything in return for this. i never asked - he father is very important to her. I am not one of those people who wants to belittle him or ruin him in her eyes. But i am broken and exhausted and plain old disgusted.
there of course, is far more to it than this, and I am not saying I am perfect, but i am not the kind of person to nag or bitch - if you're going to be something you will do it on your own without me hounding you. If you dont do it you obviously dont want to or it isnt important to you.
i dont know how to do this without being the bad guy. I am always the bad guy. I just cannot be happy and i am turning into a resentful, angry person and this is coming through in my interactions with my daughter and it is not fair to her. I keep thinking about the saying "dont be in a a relationship you wouldnt want your kid to have."
I dunno. thoughts?
When it's all said and done, it's your daughter who comes first. She needs an environment which benefits her and she needs a father who is and will be an acceptable role model. Going by your post, your partner is in no state to carry any responsibility whatsoever and it's basically your choice as to if you remain with him. Your own health and well being is more than important because if you do 'fall over' from the stress, then you will be no good to anyone, including yourself.
It's not so much about being the bad guy, it's about making tough decisions which benefit you and your daughter.
Indeed. I appreciate your words. I need a bit of bracing. This is hard.