Getting back a best friend after total chaos
GENO1991 - Apr 10 2017 at 18:41
Hey, to all.
I need some truly "thinking out of the box" assistance on this situation - I have approached a friendship issue via a completely unacceptable manner, resulting in me losing my best friend entirely. The regret of this happening is the biggest regret of my life, and I am trying to get any suggestion as to how I can act to have my former friend back.
The reason I say this takes truly out of the box thinking is because all the normal actions people would advise for such a situation, I have already done with no success.
I have met a girl in January 2015. Within just over a month of hanging out, we had mutual feeling of liking each other and this showed itself physically with us starting to hold hands, hug lengthily and eventually, kiss.
I will mention now that while with the described happening, the two people would call themselves as "together" - as obviously these are the things that a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. This girl, though, never classified us as "together", even though us behaving in the described manner, but this really is beyond the point of this text.
After some months of our relationship (if I can call it that, seeing she never, for some reason, would call us boyfriend/girlfriend) I noticed a slackening from her. When I spoke to her about what was wrong, I found out the following:
1) When I kept speaking about us in the future and what we would be doing as a couple etc., this put her off as she believes future to be unpredictable: meaning that I kept "writing it in stone" by making statements of it.
2) When I said to her "You're becoming my oxygen."(meaning it in a GOOD way of caring so much for her) it turns out she was hugely put off, because as she always said to me, we got this close due to the fact that I was always chilled and never desperate. Having said THIS, I came across as extremely desperate, her feelings got damaged and the "boyfriend/girlfriend" atmosphere was totally destroyed in her eyes.
Now the above is the beginning of issues because of which, together with my desperation, things started breaking apart.
We settled on being friends at this point. Nothing more.
I will summarise from here on - for 2015 Women's Day in August, I gave her chocolates and a poem I wrote for her, stating how awesome she is as a person to know. (My mistake #1) She thanked me for the chocolates, said nothing about the poem until I asked if she read it. Evidently, the poem only added to me appearing desperate in her eyes.
Our discussions and me attempting to get the state back to her being close with me etc. have led to such a situation that by December 2015 we were no longer seeing each other. I realise I have pushed too much that she would not even see me, as friends.
In January 2016 we chatted on WhatsApp, and after the problem of our friendship escalating tremendously high, the girl finally told me this:
"Look, let's take baby steps, okay. Let's just chat. No pressure. Just chilled chats. Baby steps, listen to me. Okay. And maybe, later when we've built our friendship up again we can start meeting up.".
As you can see, this chance of getting our friendship stronger again SHE HERSELF JUST GAVE ME saying that. My response, however?
"You know, I'm so freaking tired of this going on for so long, that I don't care anymore." was my response (My mistake #2).
After being OFFERED what I was looking for all those months, my emotion took over and I aggressively let it slip away.
From then on and having said "Accept it then that we shouldn't be friends." she never spoke to me again. Ever.
I went on though to attempt to reconnect with her again, and I describe how I did that next. These stupid and desperate ways only destroyed the destroyed even further:
Attempt 1 - I bought a bouquet of flowers and wrote a physical note of sincere apology on paper. I attached the note to the flowers, drove to her at 4AM on a Sunday and threw the flowers over her gate, hoping she would read the note and accept my apology. This I do not see as a mistake by me, for it is a sincere act of saying sorry. I did the right thing after having screwed up badly. There was no response.
Attempt 2 - I thought since there is no way the girl would ever let me speak to her in person and hear me out, I would ask several of her Facebook friends to try speaking to her to convince her to hear me out (My mistake #3: never involve other people in your personal problems). There was no response from her for weeks after that.
Final attempt 3 - I thought me throwing flowers while myself being unseen, or texting her friends are really cowardly acts. I thought about how a normal brave person would act: I drove over to her home and rang the bell. I was going to apologise to her no matter how uncomfortable it was going to be. The result is her parents telling me to leave and not letting me talk to her. I left.
I ask the readers of this to give me feedback: is there anything else, anything at all that I can do to regain this friendship?
Yes, you saw how stupidly I acted and how creepy asking her friends was (it undoubtedly freaked her out terribly), but I want to know:
I did not murder anybody, I did not cheat on her - point is, my faults are not ones that a person should totally write another person off for. My fault was my emotions taking over.
Please help me with other suggestions of what I could do - she was an amazing, rare friend and I dearly regret losing her as that friend.
Thanks so much to all!
Overall, it seems you're quite fixated on this person. You may have already realized this, but I think almost all your actions here contribute to a person feeling like you are quite desperate.
For instance your first attempt sending a bouquet of flowers and a physical note. This is a lot of effort and is in fact quite a romantic way of go about an apology. But as was previously the issue that caused this, your relationship was never seen as official. Thus acting in this romantic way, wasn't really appropriate given the circumstances that it should have been a slow growing friendship.
As you also state, your attempt 2 is also an example of this. Going to extreme efforts to involve other people. Being followed in attempt 3 with going directly to her house. By attempt 1, your message probably would have gotten through. She would have seen the apology and apologizing more after this point would be met with the same results: Silence. What she probably would have expected, as an apology, is just a simple message on WhatsApp or some other instant messaging service.
That may all be fairly redundant, if you've retrospected on it already. But generally going forward you probably don't want to go to such lengths in future with other people, I think anyone would find this quite overburdening.
It's uncertain to if your friendship with her will return, as you've stated, she made be majorly creeped out right now. If she bounces back from that and reverts her vision of you from being creepy to what you once were is up to her, so it's not very much within your control.
Your best bet right now is probably sending her a message on something, like Facebook of WhatsApp. In this message you should acknowledge and apologize for going to such extremes, demonstrating you've learned from this experience and are sorry for any creeped out feelings you gave her. Something along those lines, just showing her you've learned is the important part. You may have already done something like this too. In which case all you can really do now is wait, in a sense. Basically start moving along with your life and don't assume she'll pop back in it. That's probably the healthiest attitude going forward from sending such a message. As only time will tell if she decides your worth being friends with again unfortunately after that.
Good luck with your situation and hope that helped!
You need to realise that this girl will only ever come back into your life if she wants and needs to. She basically stated how and what she needed from your relationship together and how she wanted it to evolve...slow and easy. In the end, she made the decision to end your friendship. You have listed your mistakes and 'hats off to you' for admitting them but you are continuing to err by continuing to look for answers when the answer is basically learning from the past, letting her go and getting on with your life.
I tried apologizing several times to a mate via text. What you see as an apology only gets cheapened the more you apologize,even if you meant it sincerely. I would text every few weeks. In the end they rang the police on me and that was that. I get that you are hurting but if you keep pushing it you may end up in my shoes. I have now learnt to think about situations and sit down and discuss it. If I ever had to apologize to a mate again I would apologize ONCE,explaining why i was sorry and why i shouldn't have said what i said,no texts back,no tit for tat,leave it at that and let the person come to me. To give them space. Space is very important it shows how sorry you are,even if it's tempting to say sorry again and again,leave it. As this girl wants nothing to do with you anymore,you'll just be hurting yourself further and stressing them out. We are all human. We all make mistakes. You let your emotions run away with you. We've all done it. You are not a bad person. You'll know to step back next time or sit down and discuss it.