Lost, don't know which way to head
I'm very new to the forum. My husband n I've been married for 13 years. A year ago I found out that he was having an affair with a foreign lady over seas. And was about to marry her. I fell into severe depression. I'm on very low medication as I am in the process of weaning myself off. We had massive fights. We have two. Eaitigul children. He said he let go of the relationship and after a bout a year I find out the relationship is still there. I was despondent and fought back again. It's been over 7 months since I found out. I don't trust him but want to. He doesn't let anyone touch his phone or laptop. They are all under lock and key. This morning I was simply going to express my dislike to this and ended up having a big argument. He slapped me few times. Shoved me out of a room. He said that he has planned on "slow death for me " I told him that he would never do well in life. He said I was mad and needed to top up my medication. I simply wanted transparency in our marriage. He says I'm mad and it's not easy to live with me. He told me to leave the children and get out of the house. I talk back, which he hates. He calls me all the filthy names under the sun. He says that I asked for his extra marital affair and I dont know am and physical need. I'm beginning to accept that this is all my fault. Although to him I'm quite defiant but inwardly I'm crumbling. I have no family in here and don't know where to go. I'm really fed up and scared. Pls help
First of all, I read your post and I just wanted to say that I am really really sorry that you've been going through all of that.
It's understandable that you would have some trust issues after you've found out that your husband has had an affair and it's not really easy to let go.
Naturally, you feel hurt and betrayed and you can't help but feel so paranoid and constantly feel the need to be reassured that he won't cheat on you ever again, hence why you feel very uncomfortable with the idea that his phone and laptop have passwords..
I really do commend that you have tried to be mature about the situation and tried to talk to him about how you feel, but really, you need to stop and think.. was it really right for him to hit you and shove you around like that? Do you seriously want him to continue treating you like this? What if it got worse and your kids witnessed this, you really have to think how the arguing and the violence would affect them and they deserve to feel safe and happy at home.
Honestly though, you shouldn't blame yourself for what he did and I know I'm quite blunt but HE cheated, not you, so what right does he have to carry on mistreating you like that? I understand that being married to him for 13 years created a really strong attachment to him and it's not easy to let go, but for your sake as well as your children's you really need to take care of yourself.
Disloyalty (towards spouse and time spent married/the relationship and children)
Serious lying and falsifying
(let's sum it up with, basically provably morally corrupt on an interpersonal level at least)
Secretive/non-sharing i.e. non-marital, without team spirit
Lacking empathy (you're not well *thanks to him!*, he should be supporting you, not making your state of mind worse - HUGE RED FLAG!)
Over-self-protective and self-defensive (devices locked away)
...which - thinking he has the right to - means he has an unreasonable sense of entitlement (HUGE RED FLAG!)
Definitely emotionally abusive
Also physically abusive (now... the former does tend to slide into physical as well at any given point), using an unreasonable amount of unreasonable aggression and (future) intimidation
ACTS LIKE HE'S YOUR BOSS, WHAT HE WANTS/SAYS, GOES, NO MATTER HOW GOBSMACKINGLY UNREASONABLE WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A MARRIAGE (HRF!)
Goes completely needlessly too far (death threats)
Gaslighting (trying to convince you you're the mad one....simply for your unwillingness to be a silent, complicit, compliant victim, basically)
Attacking your self-confidence
Zeemai13, I could be wrong (although with the above classifying, it's not looking good, is it?), but - I smell a raging Narcissist, as in actual, full-blown Personality Disorder, possibly even Psychopathy. If this is the case, he's just not fit to be anyone's partner, let alone yours, as they're basically bullies who choose to be emotionally and/or psychologically and/or physically cruel as a way to make himself feel better/bigger but tend to confine all such bad behaviour to behind closed doors whilst out-of-doors he's Mr Great Guy, very charming.
The cruelty lays in the massive, chasmic dichotomy between his (what you've been led to believe) 'normal' loving persona and the purely hateful, almost horror-film style monster he becomes any time things don't go his way or you try to 'tell him - The Boss Of You - what to do' (even if that be purely the decent, human thing to do).
Question: Would you say that between your first year or so and today, he transformed almost imperceptibly (yet at the same time, perceptibly, at least in hindsight) and majorly into a different person? Would 'invasion of the body snatchers' describe your shock and disbelief and how you're feeling about it all, lately - at how nastily and cruelly he's behaving- sorry, showing he's CAPABLE of behaving towards you to whom he should never treat that way?
And would you say an awful lot of those fights needn't have been, if only he'd cooperated during what should have remained a calm difference of opinion or then at least during discussions/attempteddiscussions to sort the problem/issue out, and that he'd even go so far as to 'pour fat on the fire', making things escalate, ending up making all such niggles/disagreements into a totally melodramatic crisis which you would call actually *harrowing* in terms of how they left you feeling?
When did the mask start to slip off to the extent where he's acting like he's the relationship version of Stalin, with you (and your kids?) being the Russian populus?
And do you believe that if you tried to tell anyone who associates with him outside of your marriage what was going on, they wouldn't be able to believe it of him of all lovely people?
For some reason, the 13-year mark seems to be a popular one with Narcs, in terms of when these self-hating, ultimately self-sabotaging individuals finally self- (and thereby other-) destruct. Generally speaking, normal relationships end sadly yet calmly, as opposed to one with an NPD. So that was yet another characteristic symptom that hit me between the eyes. But like I say, I could be wrong.
Only you'd know with any certainty. RSvP.
What I *am* sure about, however, is that your husband, whether newly or from the start but nowadays having reached a peak, is being an outright abuser/bully/despot.
Lastly but not leastly: OH, NO, IT IS *NOT* YOUR FAULT. NOPE. NOPE. AND TRIPLE NOPE. *FACT*. And no, you're not crumbling. Quite the reverse - another fact. Why else do you think he's really cranking up the abuse and pressure? To keep you down where you were and where he thought he'd permanently placed you.
Thank you for your reply. This has opened new dimensions of coherent thoughts. I was always blaming myself until your analysis made complete sense. I have begun to see that I am not he problem and more so it is himself. You have giben me food for thought.
Will reply asap, please bear with me. Hopefully tomorrow, will do my damnedest. Hold tight.
PS (found 5): Not 'more so it is himself'. ***Totally. Clinical Fact. Inarguable Fact.*** Not even .000001% of this mess was your fault, it's because he's (we believe) insane and so the relationship is insane and ....sanity is what can succeed, insanity can't, ever, and that's why it's called, insanity. The machine is broken, doesn't work right, is Out Of Order.
You buy a machine to do X, Y and Z.
The ad was great, sounded so genuine.
The sample was even better: "He's the best machine I've ever known and used", said you, walking on air.
Then, seemingly inexplicably after a too-short while, it started to malfunction.
But it self-tested Functional (said the read-out).
It's me!, thought you. Maybe if I did or didn't this/that/the other, it would work again?
Then it started to psychologically-emotionally and/or physically injure you when it (without warning) malfunctioned...
Which part to the tune of even .0000001% of that was your fault?
For wanting one of those machines?
Got it? No? Read it again. And again and again until you do. That's the secret - repetition. It's how he got you, do you remember, do you see now when you look back? You're going to de-brainwash back to normal.
Fault: Anything you did that wasn't you on your bestest behaviour was NORMAL not being on bestest behaviour that should have solicited only a NORMAL reaction/criticism/protest, meted out NORMALLY. Mild. Or fleeting and never repeated a second time. Or fleetingly hot but didn't ever leave you burned, let alone scarred. Normal. Can forget about it and move on, not revisit it or any variation of it again and again... (cycle of abuse, go Google; Idealize, DeValue, Discard (repeat), go Google).
He's insane when at cuddle and share a bed distance. You can't even drink a glass of water and not have the effects of their insanity somehow infuse into and abnormalising and ruining the act! You can't be the problem because you're not the one doing things that hurt the other, borne from crazy thinking and non-existent DESIRE to self-control. He is. You didn't hurt or criticise him, you simply tried to counter HIS CRITICISM/HURTFUL ACT TOWARDS YOU.
It wasn't his fault to begin with (it was the factory or the retail outlet), but, it's pointless feeling sorry for someone who's happy being so fake then nasty it's classified as Insanity.
Actions. Actions. I can't stress that enough - CEASE listening to his drivel and instead just note his actions. If his blah-blah matches and you feel fine, what he just said was true. If it doesn't and you feel bad, it was the usual drivel. If it makes sense but - oh - no, doesn't really, oh, I don't know [back-forth], then it's a kernal of truth wrapped in a whole heap of lies or vice-versa ergo it's both, two separate, opposite things simultaneously, aka CONFLICTING, hence you're in or are are flitting back-and-forth between two minds about it (see how that would work now?).
A loon that's a Bafta award-winning actor that doesn't want to be an actor as a profession because that's (ugh) "work". They don't do work. Too special for doing normal people things like work. They parasite. Gimmie-gimmie, mine now, mine, no you can't have any, you're a sh*t loser, remember? Financially, emotionally, psychologically, everything-ally. Parasites that such anything and everything, including your quality of life and wellbeing.
Back anon. Meanwhile, tempting though it is - don't confront him, don't say a word (and infuriate him) nor end up simply teaching him how to improve on where he went wrong last time he tried to make you his willingly permanent, behind-doors slave and personal punching-bag. Keep your powder absolutely dry - dragged-down business as usual, "oh, I hate my bum so much" - those sorts of "I'm rubbish" noises. Dupe him. Easiest people in the world to dupe, are the dupers (I'll explain why tomorrow). ...If you know how. Which you employ until you've got to emotional and/or physical safety. This is romantic espionage. Petty when compared to country-sized troubles, not petty at all and A LIVING NIGHTMARE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
But we all every day start out from indoors, don't we. That's the trouble.
Zeemai, I just want to check - are you still there?