Engaged but he won't commit or deal with our ongoing problems
I've been in a relationship with my partner for six, almost seven years. We got together in our early 30's and are now in our late 30's.
I've always been very vocal about what I want from our relationship - a long term commitment with marriage and a family. He has always said that this is what he wants too. Yet he only proposed to me last year after 6 years.
He's also very emotionally immature and I've tried to give him the time and the space to mature, he has had some other issues also and promised to get therapy. This promise was made almost 5 years ago and he didn't do as he said he promised.
After attempting to organise the wedding last year, he became increasingly nasty and emotionally abusive towards me, so I cancelled the whole thing. I had to fire the photographer, stop getting my dress made and let people know to clear their diaries of the dates we gave them. This was all on me to do, also as organising the wedding seemed to all fall on me too, I had spent months of time organising everything and it wasn't respected at all.
I moved into our spare room and have been sleeping here for six months now giving him a last ditch attempt to make it right. He seems ok with the situation and won't bring up and honest talks about where we are. He's constantly saying one minute that he wants to get married and then another that he doesn't. And asking me to justify why I want to. He keeps moving the goalposts, I feel so angry, hurt and messed around.
We also have many ongoing issues such as he has ADHD which he won't get any help with, our sex life has dwindled to non existent and he does nothing to fix it and also he has been emotionally abusive and avoidant to discuss the issues or to act on improving them. The fact that I love him and wanted to commit to him has made me stay but now I feel so exhausted and depleted from the confusion of the relationship.
I feel so taken for granted and hurt. I tried to initiate another conversation to discuss the future as I don't want to continue as things are and again he asked me to explain why I want to get married. I've given this man almost seven years of my life, I'm in my late 30's now and I'm terrified it's too late to meet another man and be able to start a family. I feel so lost.
If he had been honest from the start about not wanting to get married then I could have done something sooner, but in fact it feels as though he's strung me along for years telling me what I want to hear and then doing nothing about it. I'm at the point now where I don't trust him, he's hurt me so much and I feel strongly that I need to leave him for my own self respect.
I still love him and it feels excruciatingly painful, though I know that I deserve better. Please can you give me any advice that will help me to move forward. Thank you.
Unless you have faith things are going to get better, you really have to make a decision whether you want to give this any more time!
You should have followed your instincts 5 years ago.
I hate to be so blunt, but time is so valuable and you seem so unhappy.
He really needs a reality check. Tell him that you are just minutes away from leaving him for good so if he want you he is going to shape up. I would suggest marriage counseling (it does not matter if you are married or not) and try to find ot what his fears of proceeding are.
Like you said earlier, he seems emotionally immature and from the perspective of family and children, that is not such s great card, but on the other hand time is running and at least you would have a family (if that is what you want).
Is he in charge of anything in the household (ex. paying bills)? How is he handeling that?
Is he just emotionally immature or is he immature in all areas? Do you constantly have to look after him as you would a child? If so, leave immediately. No good comes from that. You need a partner, not a grown up egoistical child by your side.
ADHD is hard to deal with, but can get immensely better by avoiding sugars and anything with a high GI (glucose index). Routines do not come easy but can change ones life and the effect is generally even greater for ADHD. Sports is also a crucial part to the energy levels more even. I would like to help you better then this, but I feel that I need more information.
I personally think he deserves to hear your wrath before you leave him for good.
Best of luck