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How to make your children feel valued, respected & loved

Author: Ariana Freed
Published: Aug 21 2013

'Have a nice day, mummy!' little girl happily says to her mammy turning into the school gate. This is because many times she has heard those words from her mother. And this is just a little example of a simple truth – we receive back from our children what we have given to them since their birth.

Unfortunately when children are grown we use to lament – 'Why is she/he so rude to me (or something similar), all I have tried was to make a decent man/woman of him/her!?' At this point we forget that financial side doesn't matter so much, we forget some moments from your child's upbringing, which seemed to be in place (like shouting and spank on a back), but which still matter in child's entering an adult world. Surely it would be wrong to say that we should never scold our children. Still consequences might be serious and permanent. Here I would like to suggest some simple principles to make our children and us happy:

- Never compare your child to other children. Especially saying: 'Look what a nice and clever boy is Andy, whereas you …' This is the best way to create in him an inferiority complex, which might turn his life into never ending struggle to prove his value. Paradoxically, in his attempts to demonstrate that he is good, he will end up in proving that he is worse than others. Do not destroy his uniqueness!

- Do not make your child fill your husband's or wife's duties. These are your duties after all. It would be much more better to teach skills to your child through your own example, encouraging (not forcing) to help and participate. If we talk about stepmothers and stepfathers entering the family, moreover, do not ask your child to love him/her (or sleep with him/her in one bed or ask your child to perceive him/her as his father or mother). In this way you will brake into your child's or youngster's personal world, which he/she wont thank you for.

- Always remember that the child has his own vision of the world. Learn to discern and accept it. Remember, any insignificant moment might be an experience of a great importance to your child. Be patient! It is a lot better to talk to your child from your heart and without tension than throw out: 'Forget it! That's nonsense!' Respect personality in your child!

- Never punish your child physically! It won't demonstrate your authority and won't teach what he/she can or cannot do. Instead it will show him/her that it is acceptable to hurt the weakest and the most vulnerable. Remember – the child cannot respond in return! A girl can learn that if she is being beaten she has done something wrong. It would mean a risk to experience a domestic violence in her later years.

- Never blame your child in your failures and errors (even in child's father is a wrongdoer!). Your child is given to you possibly to make you just a little bit better. After all, those are your mistakes child has nothing to do with it.

- Offer and give a choice to your child. Prohibitions will only lead to payback. Learn to explain and give advice in an inconspicuous manner. And again, demonstrate your own example. Child will rarely learn from your words, he will sooner copy you.

- (For both parents) Never divide your child between you! Your child has a right (not only within the law) to receive love and care from both parents. Making decisions about whom he would feel better with you risk not only minimise your authority but engender a huge inferiority complex in your child ('My parents became hostile because of me!'). Child is pure and non-egoistic, he tends to blame himself in your failures.

To the main principle

Love your child and do not forget to demonstrate it! Only through warming and attentive attitude you will reach you child's heart and will make him believe he is valued, respected and loved. Such attitude would not simply guarantee a good relationships with your child forever, but would help your child in any situation in his further life. The way you bring up your child is a seed you sow in the garden of his life. In many years there might be beautiful tree with rich fruits standing in front of you or a weak and fruitless bush. And it will not be his fault! You reap what you sow!

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