Can we work through the kids issue?

I've been with my partner for many years now. I have a child of 10, he has two children of similiar ages. I live with my child and my partner. His children come and stay regularly at weekends. For the past 18 months though the living together doesn't seem to be working. He obviously doesn'e like my child, although (I may be biased) my child is a pretty easy going, normal, good kid. Yes there are the occasionaly annyoing kid things that are done wrong, but nothing that makes him a bad kid. However I feel that I am walking on eggshells waiting for my child to do something wrong and for my partner to tell him off - sometimes for things that are a nothing, he gets all worked up. Also in all the time we have been together my partner has done almost nothing for my child. Occasionally babysat if I have had to go out, a couple of times taken my child to the park but that's about it. After so many years I would have thought we would be more of a family and my partner more of a stepdad. His children when they come seem to get away with much more, they are very spoilt by their mother, and my partner always takes them out, then when they do mess about at our house he tells them off half heartidly. Never with the same level as my child. I have also found his children, unless they want me to do something for them, have any respect or interest in me. For instance last year they didn't even mention my birthday, or buy me a card, and at Christmas not even a small present - even though I cook for them, look after them have contributed to their upbringing. This is very hurtful. This has made me like them less and less and find the whoel time they are with us very stressful. This is now making more and more of an issue of other small problems in our relationship. TO be honest if we didn't have kids from previous relationship, I think we'd have a pretty perfect relationship - we enjoy doing the same things, have the same sense of humour, have ultimate trust in each other, want the same things in life. There are small problems as any couple but these are being magnified by the tension created by the kids. My question is, my child will be with us for maybe another 10 15 years before they grown up and move out - I hate the way things are now - but we could have a great life together. We have tried to resolve the issues, but within a few weeks of setting ground rules and ways in which we can smooth things out with the kids - it all goes wrong again. I dont want my child to feel that they have to stay out the way, or be scared that they are going to be told off. I want to be like a family. We've been together a long time and we could have a good future - am I holding onto something that will not happen? Am I hoping and wsting my time. Is it time to move on and make a comfortable life with just my child? Should me and my partner not live together and just see each other without the kids? Would that ever work? I am at a loss.

Hi Miss S, I've read your post, and feel really sorry for you. It sounds like you are trying so hard to make your relationship work, and incorporating the kids into the bigger picture can be very problematic, as you are finding. From what you have said, your main liability is ensuring that your own child is raised in the way you want him to be. Without the full support of your partner, this is going to be a strain, because you will always be trying to make compromises. Your guy sounds as though he isn't very interested in the upbringing of your child, and lacks patience with him. If he doesn't start paying attention to him, then this will always be in the back of your mind, because if he doesn't accept your child, then this suggests that he isn't making a full commitment / contribution to your relationship. Perhaps you could discuss this with him and let him know your concerns. I know that you have tried to resolve the issues, and that any changes you agreed in the past have been short-lived, but perhaps you need to spend more time together as a "family" unit, away from his kids, basically just the 3 of you together doing fun things together. Maybe you could go away for a weekend together doing some activities that you all enjoy - you said that he has very similar interests to you, so there must be something you can think of. You may feel as though you are wasting your time, but you sound like you have a great relationship together, and it would be a shame to let this go to waste. You are the best judge of what action needs to be taken... think carefully, and ensure that you put you and your child first because whatever the outcome, you both have the strongest, long-lasting relationship together...

Thanks for the advice - I will try some of you suggestions and see how I get on.

my advice is that you man obviously doesnt want to get involve with your children or even wants to be with them... I would just get rid of em and do not try and find another man as it is hard to live with especially you got your luggage with you....