Trouble in paradise

We've been married 20 years. We have had two separations that were less than a year each. We did marriage counseling. We are currently together, but some of the same issues remain. My biggest issue is that I feel like my needs, wants, and feelings don't matter. Every time I try to express my feelings about something, my spouse brings up old mistakes I made. Things I did years ago that made her feel the same way I'm feeling now. She never takes any accountability for what she's done wrong. I try to express my feelings in a non-accusatory manner, but it doesn't matter. She still gets defensive and doesn't apologize, only shifts blame. I don't know what to do besides give up, and I really don't want to do that.

What kind of mistakes? Did you have an affair?

I think the common mistake most of us make in relationships is that we become selfish. Which is the very opposite of what a relationship should be. We all make mistakes but do we ever truly apologise for them? Maybe that's why we're reminded of them, you might want to sit down with your partner and tell her how you are truelly sorry for what you've done in the past and that you'll try your best not to hurt her in the same way. Maybe at that point you can talk about how her bringing it up hurts. Sometimes in all of this its best to try and think about the other person too...ask her how she feels and how you can make changes to make it easier for her to. I can go on but I'm not sure whether you'll see this message. Don't give up