I'm feeling completely out of my depth

I'm 51, have no children and although I get on well with kids I have never wanted any of my own. I've been with my partner for around a year, it's a long distance relationship and I'm in the process of either putting my house on the market or renting it out so I can join him. He has an 8-yr old daughter; her mother got pregnant very shortly after they first met, not in a long term committed relationship, and left him for another man a couple of years later. She's a happy, nice kid and I get on well with her. He is a freelancer in an area which is suffering because of the prevailing financial climate, and when I'm with him I pay for everything - groceries, cost of going out, travel - which is difficult because I don't earn that much money either. I feel a bit concerned because although he says he doesn't like the situation, it doesn't stop him buying things like expensive and unnecessary computing equipment and things for himself and his daughter. He has recently signed on for Jobseekers' allowance. However, his ex partner seems set to move from the area which would significantly affect his access to his daughter - at the moment he has her every Wednesday evening and every other weekend. He is seeking legal advice at the moment; he wants to prevent the move (which would be about an hour's drive away) but, frankly, as far as I can see, she's perfectly within her rights to do this. If he can't do that, he wants to press for full custody. When I suggested that maybe they just change the visiting arrangements - maybe he has her three weekends out of four, or even every weekend - he got angry and said 'But that's what SHE wants!' and then went on to say that in the early days his ex had suggested that he have the daughter every weekend and all during the school holidays - he had objected on the grounds that it would be difficult for him to work, and that he'd have no social life. When I asked if that would be just the same if he had full custody, he said that he wouldn't mind about that if he actually had full custody. I'm left thinking that this has as much to do with not co-operating with his ex, as it does with his access to his child. In all this, I asked if it would be best to hold fire on moving in with him as it will affect his entitlement to benefits if I do. I also asked if he would be entitled to legal aid - he hasn't tried to find out, but said he probably isn't. I asked how he intended to pay legal costs if he isn't, but he said he didn't know, but that wasn't the point - he wasn't going to be denied justice just because he hasn't got the money to pay for it. (He is already several thousand pounds in debt). He refused to discuss any of it, including what I do with my property and moving in with him, barking at me not to give him any more worries. I've decided to stop the process of putting my house on the market for now. I have several fears around this: - firstly, he will spend thousands of pounds on costly and futile legal action. Futile because his ex partner isn't actually doing anything wrong, even though her actions will be very galling and inconvenient for him. With all the emotional fallout that will cause. - secondly, if I continue the relationship and get any more involved, it will be me that is picking up the financial pieces for decisions I did not make. - thirdly, on the offchance that he DOES get full custody - I really don't think I'm up to supporting both him and his daughter financially. As someone who's never wanted kids of my own, I'm also not sure I could cope with someone else's teenager as I reach retirement age. From the research that I've done, stepmothers without children suffer very high levels of stress and depression, and 80% of marriages where one partner has no children and the other already has - end in divorce. I don't want to end the relationship - I love him very much - but I really hadn't bargained for all this when we first started. Has anyone out there had any experience of anything similar, or can shed any light?

I have been/am going through something very similar. The warning signs are there. I think things will get more difficult. He will become more financially dependent on you. You will become more resentful. Don't continue this relationship you are a fool if you do. I spent all my savings £25,000 listen to your head not your heart