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What am I to him?

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This is so complicated and messed up.please dont judge me i am trying my best to fix it. So about 9 years ago i had a boyfriend, i was messed up at time and we didnt work out.. totally me to blame and i hurt bad after he left me. I always had a strong connection to him.. totally and utterly loved him... after that he still kept seeing mw but would never comit.. it was so sore and eventually and pathetically for me he got a girlfriend and i had no choice but to move on ( i was kind of relieved strangley) so year or two went on and i had met someone else.. he messaged me asking if i ever wanted to meet up one night for well... you know. I was so annoyed and obviously told him so and he apologised... fast forward another year we end uo texting and he tells me he is moving to another country with his girlfriend.. this really hurt me even tho i hadnt seen him in so long and we were both with other people. We stayed in contact and eventually his relationship broke down and we became closer .. he said he loved me and was gonna come back home and i broke up with my boyfriend... he ended up changing his mind and we stopped talking.. i got back with my boyfriend (i was honest and told him what happened and he forgave me) as time went on i heard from the grapvine my ex had got with a girl he was staying with and it pissed me off because he used me until he found someone else i felt. I said that to him and he denies it. Again i move on...i even got married and he messages me we start talking.. i get sucked in only this time he tells me how much he is attracted to me... never anything about feelings but texts me when drunk saying how much he wants to sleep with me... he is still with that girl and still living in a dif country. We always argue and i will stop talking to him and then we end up talking again. I need someone to be black and white with me here. Whats going on i cant see. Why can't i let him go 9 years later. I love my husband but this is a horrible part of me that i cant get rid of. Help

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