Wasting my youth?

ANGEL95 - Jun 17 2017 at 22:18

Member since Jun 2017

Decided to post on here, because i really don't know how to regain controll over my life... I'm a 21 yo uni student, currently in my 4th semester (out of 9). I'm not to particularly found of what i'm studying, but plan to go through with it, because i already changed it once. Since my uni is not far from my hometown, i didn't move out. Maybe because of this reason or because i'm socially completely stunted, i haven't managed to find a single friend yet... In total i only went out 3 times this year, always with the same old hs school friend. Other than that i spent most of my days holed up in my bed on the internet. I eat like ****, barely sleep. Than i was younger i suffered from an eating disorder; later i gained all the weight back and still keep gaining. Before i started with all that starving, i was actually very slim, but now i'm even a little overweight, i frustrates me to no end. All the other kids were spending their time happily, while i was feeling disgusting, ugly etc. This has hindered me from doing so many things (for example i was the only girl not partaking in dancing lessons, firstly because i hate my tall height, secondly because i was scared that a boy might be grossed out by my "fat") Now i've already tried losing weight since 6 years, but i simply can't. My clothes now no longer fit and i feel uglier than ever. Because of this and being a complete loner, i sometimes can't even manage to go to classes, because i feel like everybody is staring at me. All the other girls are hanging out with their frineds and i'm completely alone. Because of my low self esteem i have never had a boyfriend before (which strangely doesn't bother me tho...) I'm studying to become a teacher, which i thought might help me become more extroverted, but is actually terrible, since i'm so nervous and scared of simply everthing. One of the worst things for me is actually giving a phone call... Thankfully i managed to get a part time job nearly a year ago, but i'm still anxious every signgle saturday morning, before having to go there; while working i'm fine tho. In order to be employed in this field later i'd basically nearly need all straight As, but so far i haven't been doing too great. So i would really appreciate it, to get advice from some of you who might have always got excellent results? (i really don't know HOW to study, like what is the best technique?) In conclusion my problem is, that i feel so awful about myself, that i spend all my time doing nothing (sometimes i don't even brush my teeth) and can't get myself motivated enough to study or do anything. Every single evening i promise myself to change my life, to eat less, not be nervous, wash my face etc., to do some excercise blabla, but when i get up in the morning i feel so incredibly done, that i simply can't. Usually later through the day i start feeling better and better. I also seem to have developed a cleaning/structuring kinda addiction, so i go through phases of having a basically sterile room and living like complete garbage. Now i know that a lot of people might tell me to see a therapist, but i really can't because where i'm from they're really strict in hiring nobody with a history of any mental health problems. I'd really appreciate it, if anybody on here could give me an advice on how to better myself/my life, so i can finally live like a normal young person and no longer feel as if a waste even more of my life, than i already did. Thanks in advance!