5 months into my marriage and I'm clueless to what my husband wants out of our marriage
I realize that the first yr of marriage is difficult in learning to live with someone and what each of our expectations are. I thought that we had discussed our goals before marriage and that they were common. Instead of being his partner in life, I am someone to do his chores for him. I have stepchildren who I truely love and I am happy to help him raise and be a friend to them but he doesn't care about any of my suggestions or opinions. I have already raised two kids so I have a little useful knowledge. I thought we were going to be a team and together provide a home and nurturing family life for us all. I am there for him physically and emotionally when he needs me. However, he wants to keep our finances separate . I have college ed. And work in a good profession but he does make more than I do. I am ok with us having diff. Bank accounts but I do feel that we should discuss any substantial purchases with each other. In the 5 months we have been married, he has purchased a boat and a new. Who Le for his teenage daughter. (She already had one) yet I drive a 13 year old vehicle that has broken down twice in our marriage. We had a blow up about these purchases he made without talking with me about it. A few days ago, I snooped in his phone and saw where he was complaining about me and our marriage to his ex girlfriend. He told her I want access to his bank account and that he would never had married me if she had not married someone else. I am completely heartbroken. He does not know I read his messages. I am beyond hurt. I left family, friends and a good job to move out of state to marry him and start an amazing life with the man of my dreams. Need someone to talk with about this.
On the one hand I want to say it sounds like this guy doesn't love you after hearing the stuff you read. But at the same time I don't know exactly what was said, or whether you might have interpreted it wrong. Maybe he was just venting. Or maybe, you filled in the blanks with your mind as you read it and drew the conclusion that he wanted this other woman and simply settled for you. I'm not saying that's the case, I'm just looking for positive alternatives to a pretty nasty situation that's unfolded.
I understand wishing that he had discussed those big purchases with you before making them. At the same time, I guess he is an adult and as long as he had the money to make those purchases without seriously jeopardizing your finances, he can kind of do what he wants. Some people just don't want to complicate things by sharing finances.
The overall vibe I am getting from this post is not one of love. It sounds like you are relegated to being a simple errand-girl for your husband, and he isn't making much of a connection with you. His life is separate from yours. But I really think you're proving to not be a very good match.
In any successful marriage or union, sharing the daily responsibility is one of the things that holds it all together. Your husband's insistence of separate bank accounts and his 'go it alone' buying habits are actions which tell you that he doesn't need or want to share responsibility with you. His communication with his ex and her unavailability for marriage, tells you that there's no way in the world will he be the loving, supportive man that you need.
You post about what you gave up personally to marry and be with this man, but you need to communicate to him, not only his lack of sharing but also he's selfish and somewhat narrow minded view of a loving marriage. You need to help him to understand what you expect from a husband who you support both physically and emotionally and what you would expect and deserve from a husband who respects your life experience and most importantly, respects you.
You need a man who puts you on a pedestal and who nurtures and supports your marriage together. Sit your husband down and tell him straight where he stands with this issue. You're more than correct, a first year of marriage can be difficult, but there's no excuse for your husband to make it more so, other than the fact that he's not the man that you thought he was.