Still confused about my ex and our physical relationship

At the beginning of this year I got into my first serious relationship and I wanted to take things slowly because I was nervous but excited too. I was 17 and I hadn't really even kissed many boys at this stage let alone anything else. I didn't know him very well before we started dating and we met through mutual friends but I felt pretty safe with him since he was about 20 months younger than me. We've broken up now and we're still pretty good friends but he's left me with some things that I don't know how to handle and I don't know who I can talk about them with. He was not a virgin when I met him and he acted pretty surprised when he found out that I hadn't even made out with a guy before and he took it upon himself to quickly change that. I didn't even see it has a problem that he kept pushing me to go further to start with but every time I saw him he would keep asking me over and over again. The first time I just kept saying no and eventually he listened but the next time he kept pestering me to go a little bit further and eventually I caved in to doing what he wanted and the next day i cried and felt horrible but i didn't know why. It was about a month before my 18th birthday when i lost my virginity to him. It was the first time I went to his house and he kept me awake till 5am begging me to say yes, even though I was saying no. Eventually I said ok. It lasted about 5 minutes. The next day I cried again I think, I didn't know how to feel. Pretty much every time after that was the same until we broke up when he developed feelings for one of my close friends. I tried to stay cool with it but I can't help but feel a bit betrayed I guess. She was flirting with him and stuff and I thought that if it was going to make them both happy then it would be fine but then my friend decided she didn't actually like him and he was pretty upset and started flirting with me again but there was no pressure because we weren't in a relationship anymore and we actually felt closer than we ever had. About a month after we broke up I went to visit him and I ended up hooking up with him and it was the best sex we ever had but since then he hasn't really made much of an effort to contact me. I keep finding myself thinking about how he wouldn't take no for an answer and it makes me really upset. All my girlfriends who have boyfriends have had really lovely and loving first times and it makes me sad that I wasn't strong enough to wait and make that happen for myself. I've felt really isolated from all my friends for the last couple of months and I keep missing my ex. He's one of my best friends because I feel really comfortable with him even though I know I should stop letting him push me around and letting him coerce me. I don't feel like I can tell my friends or family that I'm really upset by this because I feel like they will be disappointed that I wasn't stronger and less of a pushover. I know I shouldn't have let him wear me down like that and I'm ashamed that I let a 16 year old boy talk me into things I wasn't ready for. I also don't want my family or friends to hate him, he has a good heart and he probably didn't even know he was doing anything wrong. I feel like I should have been firmer with him and told him that his pestering wasn't acceptable.

Thank you

Hey, He should know that no means NO, and should not have pressured into having sex with him. If he really cared about you he would of accepted your answer and waited until you told him you were ready. Sounds like he used you with your friend by jumping from you both and has taken advantage of your friendship...but in my opinon a friend would not do that. If you do think of him as a real friend then it sounds like you need to let him your not going to be used anymore. Hmm regardless of his age, I think he might know what hes doing and by the sounds of it he's always got his own way with girls. The only thing you can do is learn from this, learn when your being used and learn when you get your self out of a situation that you are uncomfortable in, by either walking away or being more firm, dont hesitate. I think its bound to mess with your feelings, if you know its not right the right time or with the right person. Don't keep beating yourself up about it, you can still have that really nice experience with the right guy :).

Stop beating yourself up. He pestered you like a 16 year old boy does and you gave in. . You had sex, had mixed feelings about it, but continued to have sex with him. Why? My guess is that you thought it all was going to be different ( much more meaningful and tender) but this "boy" is not able to be that to anyone so stop trying to make him be someone he's not. You hoped he would consider this a very special time, but he didn't. You now have an idea of what you want from a young man that you will share this intimate act with. Chose a better person for this very special kind of relationship. This kid is not the one. I will go with this. just remember that this boy didn't do anything bad. you wanted this yourself. learn from this, believe it or not he has a place in your story. you will always live to remember him as the first guy. hey u guys will still have a private time together but the difference is gonna be when you say NO and insist on that. you will always love him because there's already a bond, but resist walk away then call him when your far gone. look for someone relative to your age and reasoning. you might still have a worst case but it gonna make u stronger.