He broke up with me and I'm cutting myself because I'm afraid

We were in the long distance relationship for 3 years, he worked in another country and I was studying in our country. He is from a village next to my town and thats how we met. He is my first boyfriend, the first love. I told him my greatest secrets and trauma from my past (I was almost raped twice in life). And because of this trauma, I always feared male contact, but I believed him. Everything was great, he said he wanted to marry me, have kids with me, never suspected he had someone else. Until after a year or so when I hacked his facebook, I never did it before or wanted to do it, but something was telling me to do it, and I did. And I discovered that every so he looked at some girls,he gave a friend a password to chat with girls via his facebook, which led me to a very unpleasant and insecure situation. Because I used to send him some stories and pictures and he allowed that another man might see it and that these girls could make schreenshoot messages and talk about how he cheat's on me. I know his friend was answering because I saw the messages and that was to get together in the village, and my boyfriend was then abroad. That same day I learned that he still has his last ex on facebook, and I've looked like a fool again, because you're all happy, but not so much as to get away from your ex's life. Then we had a huge fight, and I said I wanted to end it because I told him if he'd ever lied to me it would be over. He knew the risk and he still lied. Still, I forgave him, but then I became very suspicious and always checked and questioned about the girls working with him. When I went to his place in the summer, while he was at work , I went on his laptop, I watched his search history and found he has been watching constantly at other girls, even while talking to me on the cell phone. And then there was a fight, of course he was crying again and I went over it again. Things were getting better and then he just said he wanted a break. Three months ago, he asked me to marry him and then about a month ago he asked for a break, for a month he gave me hope that we are still together to tell me a week ago that he was looking at our break UP for all this month. He says that he is in great depression and that he is cutting him self, and that he is going to the psychiatrist (I asked him to go get help), but I found pictures of him out and he dosen't look depressed at all. He said he had to be remove him self from everyone, but he was just moving away from me. He still gives me the hope that we will be together again because he says he still loves me and wants us both to work on ourselves and when it comes the time we will get back to each other. It hurts me to see that it is constantly on the net and will not even check if I am okay. I have anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes I cut myself. I told him that I had seen the one who tried to rape me, he was talking to me for 30 minutes and for the next 6 days did not check if I was good or if something happened again. My biggest fear happened and he didn't even worry if I'm okej. I told him I was cutting again, he gave me 7 minutes and then had to go because his friends came. My life is worth 7 minutes to him :( . I feel terrible and I'm afraid for what he's done that I will never trust a man again. That I will never be intimate again with someone because he might leave me like this one did. I'm afraid I will not have children because of that, because I will not be able to sleep again with someone. I do not want to cut myself anymore but this hurts me terribly. I am a very good person and I have a big heart, everyone is saying it and they say I deserve better, but I still feel painful and I'm afraid that if he comes to me and wants to be with me I will accept it because I'm afraid I will not be able to be with anyone else , and that I do not deserve better. What should I do? How can I stop this pain going on and stop punishing myself? Will I still be able to trust a man again?

I'm so sorry for your situation. I have a very hard time trusting boys as well because I've been betrayed multiple times when I was pretty young. My first instinct is to leave him. Even though you might love him or he loves you, it's still the smartest decision. Guys who've cheated before can do it again. I know he said he'll never do it again but he's proven himself wrong time and time again. He might have made you promises early on but it doesn't excuse the fact that he betrayed your trust. Put yourself first all the time! You're the only one on this planet you are forced to take care of and becoming independent and self-reliable are good first steps to becoming happy again. You can't force anyone to love you when you can't even love yourself. Once you know you are the only person that will ever matter, you will be able to trust a man again because you trust yourself. It'll hurt when you leave him. It'll hurt so much. But think of how better off you'll be once that parasite is out of your life. It's not your fault and I need you to keep repeating that. Some people have commitment issues and it probably wasn't the right time for you guys to get together. Learn how to be comfortable alone in your skin and even if you can't trust another man again, it'll be alright because you'll soon realize you're the only one you can't live without.

I know in my hart that I should leave,but my head is pulling me back (witch is ironic). I keep finding excuses for his behavior just to defend him ,like „oh maybe he didn't say he cheated his ex because he was ashamed or he was afraid he wouldn't get me then(witch is true,If I knew he cheated I wouldn't start the relationship) , or he doesn't have a dad(he died when he was a kid) so he doesn't know how it looks to have a true love,his mom doesn't believe in it ,his dad lied a lot to“. She was the one who always would tell me“If you break up its okej life goes on“,and that bothered me a lot ,now when I look at things I think she knew he'll be like he's dad and she wanted to protect me (she loved me so much,and I loved her to,such a good women). Today I look at things different ,I remembered when we were sitting in my hometown in a park,a girl was in a nearby cafe,he turned around 7 time,while he was next to me,and I know he liked that girl before ,but he didn't know I knew that. Then I was like,it's okej,he's a guy,but today ,if he was doing that while I'm next to him,what is he doing when I'm not around. My friends and family are seeing to run,that he changed me a lot. I put on weight, I talk only about him and his problems,my college is suffering, I closed up,always waiting for his call or text . They say he took me from them and that they miss the before me. I was outgoing,always laughing,always training ,the happiest girl ever. Now I don't go out because I don't want him to worry if someone flirted with me. He took my life, and I let it. I want to get my old self back but I don't know how. That's why I'm scared,if he comes back while I'm not myself again I'll break and go back to him,and just settle. He is so toxic for me :-( and I trusted him so much !

Sharing your heart and yourself physically with someone who you thought you could trust, is a betrayal of the worse kind. You have plenty of reasons for being heartbroken. And until you see a change in his actions. I’d be grateful you found out the truth now, and not years in the future. Life is way too short to waste it on someone who may be lying to you. And you mentioned other girls who he was messaging and also a X girlfriend? If he’s not being truthful to you, what else could he be hiding ? Please remember your life is very precious and there is hope for your future. I'd listen to his Mom, she could trying to protect You from her mistakes?? Things may think look pretty dark right now, as you mentioned cutting? I understand cutting may temporally take away the real pain. But, in the end will it fix your problem, or just make things worse? We all learn from our mistakes. You know what you want, right? Love and respect, faithfulness and commitment. Stay true to your heart’s desires. I will be praying for you that through God’s love and mercy, that you’ll find your heart’s desire.