Lonely liar

I have social anxiety. It's a weird kind of social anxiety where if someone asks me for a pencil or where we are in a book, I can easily and happily tell them, but the second someone acknowledges me friendly, I get flustered, and most of the time responding by just staring at them in shock as I ignore them and listen to my nervous thoughts instead. This is obviously detrimental to my social life, but this isn't what I'm writing about. I've managed to make a few friends. Not close friends who know me well or anything, people who put up with the awkward silences to learn that I'm kind of a witty, clever character. Friends that I'm only slightly more confident around than any other person. I'm actually quite wary about calling them friends, because I don't know how they feel about me. Since I was very little, I liked to make up stories. They made life more exciting. I told people of adventures I went on or amazing people I'd met. The thing about my lying is that whenever I tell/told a story I convince(d) myself that It was real. Like all of the times I pretended to be sick to get out of school, once I say it, I start to feel it. I don't lie half as much as I used to, but I go back to it without thinking when I'm really nervous/anxious. I lie about stupid, unimportant things for no reason, and it doesn't make me feel better, but I keep doing it. I told my new friends a pretty big one, though: that I was half Indian. People often say that I look Indian, but I'm white, and anyone can tell that by looking at my family. I told them this about a year ago and it still haunts me to this day. Whenever my mom goes anywhere around the school, my heart beats out of my chest. Once, I had a panic attack. But, I can't tell them. They don't like me very much as is, and as much as I'd love to be friendless and alone, another part of me envies people with friends and pulls me into a fit of depression. They wouldn't fight for me, they barely know me. I don't know what to do. I minimize contact with them and eat lunch in bathroom stalls. I'm scared.

ESMHOYgirl, I don't think what you are doing is not normal. Actually, from time to time when I was younger I made up things about myself to create talking points, to make myself sound more interesting, to get attention, or just because I felt like it. I still don't know why I said some of the things I did, and looking back now a lot of those lies are things I am glad are not true. Lol, for example, one time I told an early elementary school teacher that I was in gymnastics. I am a guy, and at the time I didn't realize gymnastics were mostly popular with little girls - honestly, I just heard that gymnastics were a thing and said it because I thought it made me sound unique, gave me more to say about myself. Defining who you are and what you like to do can be difficult. Especially if you aren't a really athletic person. And like SUSIEDQQ said up above, it doesn't sound like this lie you told about your heritage is particularly bad. I would just try not to perpetuate it any further. The thing is, you have to kind of try to be true about who you are. It's already difficult enough to find whatever you're after in life, and even that may change or you may have momentary thoughts about wanting something else. Being truthful about yourself gives others a reflection of who you are, and attracts people who will enjoy the company of you, and not some made-up you. More recently, I have been friends with this other person for about 4 years. Well, for the first year or two I think I projected a more confident personality around him because I wasn't worried about as many things then, I had safety nets I guess. Some things happened and my life changed a bit, and as a result I felt more vulnerable and became more open about thoughts I previously kept secret. I still have trouble being open about things sometimes, but because I have been an open and honest friend I think my buddy has come to appreciate me more, and in turn is able to be more open with me about his life. It has resulted in a strengthening friendship, because we appreciate each other for who we are. Social anxiety is different for every person I think. But I think a bunch of it will subside over time, as you put yourself out there and experience life. You have to be willing to get to know other people who you think deserve your trust and closeness. And eventually you will find some people who are mostly decent human beings that you can see eye to eye on some stuff with, and who feel like a part of your life. You say you're a witty, clever person. Those sound like great qualities! Use those! Work on yourself, grow and become the witty, clever person who you are deep down, and try to gravitate toward people who show an interest in being your friend. Sometimes it takes some effort and work on your part to hold their attention, but as long as you are doing you, the people who are meant to befriend you will find you.