Dreams vs reality // my ex

There's so much but I'm gonna try and make this short. So my very first love was a great...AMAZING one. Was with him as a teenager for 3 years but seemed like an eternity. In the beginning, it was the best thing I ever experienced. The passion, the love, excitement....well you guys probably know what I'm talking about. But towards the end things got...stagnant. I was young and stupid and I wanted the puppy love stage back and didn't realize that's not how loved worked. I ended up randomly breaking things off with him because of a stupid reason. Pretty much because all he did was work ( we were about 19 at this point) and also my sexual needs weren't being fuffilled (which I communicated but nothing changed). I jumped into a new relationship literally a week later and it was everything I [thought] I wanted. The sex was amazing. He was obsessed with me. The puppy love feeling was back. I thought everything was peachy. But man did I think wrong. About a month into my new relationship shit started to hit the fan. I realized that I made a mistake. I still loved my ex. This new relationship was nothing compared to what we had. I sunk into a depression and I even was clear to my new significant other as to what was going on with me. And you know what the fucked up part of that was? My new bf held me while I cried about my ex. I poured my heart out to him because I didn't want to be fake with him. I missed my ex so much and nothing could take back what I'd done. My new bf was the sweetest thing. He told me he just wanted me to be happy and if that meant getting back together with my ex then he said so be it. I tried contacting my ex and tried pouring my heart out about how no one could make me feel the way he did, how breaking up was a mistake, but the damage had been done. I'm pretty sure I hurt him so much that he couldn't fathom ever being with me again. He blocked me on all social media and told me to leave him alone forever. It seriously felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that it took at least a full YEAR for that pain to go away. Even after my ex knew and seen everything I've done... he stayed by my side. It's been 4 years now and we're still together. I love him so much but I've never felt the passion or the "completely in love" feeling that I felt with my ex till this day. I STILL have dreams about my ex all the time.And that's where this thread is coming from today. I have this dream probably twice a month and it's where I know I'm with my current boyfriend but my ex is there and I want to be with him too. In my dream I tell them that I love them both but I always find myself running after my ex and getting that amazing feeling that he gave me. I wake up and that part of my heart that was hurt from him hurts once again and I start missing him so much again. Yeah I'm "over" him but am I really? Will I ever be? I use my sisters account to check his Facebook once in a while and see that he's still in a relationship with this girl he met a week after he found out I jumped into one myself. But he has no new photos, none with her, and all of the photos that I've taken of him are the only ones on his profile. All the posts about me are still on his wall and I can't see any about her. No photos of them exist. I wish there was more of this girl on his profile because I think it would deter me from looking at his profile. But when I look it's like nothing's changed. His profile picture is still the one I took of him smiling at me. And it gets me every time. It's been four years. I still think about me ex all the time. My bf now is a good man, he takes care of me. He has a good job and a good heart and I love him. Only bad thing is the past year we've been fighting a LOT. Over stupid stuff. He's super loyal but we just have a lot of different values and opinions. We always make up but I'm just so sick of it. Every time we fight and I try and break things off he just won't leave me alone and I always cave in and take him back. I love him but I'm not "in love". In love like I was with my ex. The fact that I'll never feel the feeling I felt when I was with him ever again gives me the most horrible feeling. I would never want to hurt my current boyfriend but I would pretty much do anything to go back in time and never break things off with my ex boyfriend. Does anyone know what I can do to cut off these emotional ties and to stop having dreams about him? A part of me doesn't want to because it's the only thing I have left of him in a sense, but I can't live like this anymore.......

Thanks for sharing, LEXII. Welcome to the wonderful, confusing, frustrating, and temporary world of romantic love. The important word to focus on here is “temporary”. I totally appreciate your desire to be in the “puppy love” stage of a relationship for a life time. We all want that because it comes with a wildly emotional ride of extremes, especially the tender and sexual feelings. Perhaps that explains why you were so quick to “jump” into a new relationship. Here are some thoughts to help you sort through your relationships. Romantic or passionate love is temporary. Psychologists suggest it only lasts 6-30 months. The attraction and excitement fades. How could it not. What would happen to your career your schooling, your family if that intensity lasted? If you wish it to last longer it takes effort that few are willing to put into a relationship. It is not a basis for a good marriage or long term relationship. Your posts suggest you may have experienced this with both of your boyfriends. If, however, you are looking for the attributes you elude to in your post (loyalty, good character, support, dependability), you may want to put your emphasis and importance in these areas, and measure both boyfriends by such. This companion love comes with admiration, respect, deep feelings of caring, commitment, and grows over time. These are the qualities that last a life time. So, which do you want? Who can best provide that? Perhaps you have not even met that person yet. Keep us updated on your pursuits.

When we are so close to someone, we create memories & bonds with them. These are bonds that will live forever. Even if you have moved on in life there will always be somethings that will trigger these memories with that person. So firstly i think you shouldn't be worried or surprised that you've been having dreams of thinking about your ex boyfriend. As you rightly pointed out that the start of every relationship is always full of excitement and then things become a little stagnant. You start introspecting about the reasons why you are with someone etc. There are no definitive solutions to these things. Every relationship, every person keeps evolving according to their circumstances. Being with someone and being in love with them for eternity takes more than just puppy love. Am sure your current boyfriend is a nice person. The fact that you'll have been together for 4years is a really good sign. You'll both have seen ups & downs of life and understand each other too. You do have an issue about him not being able to completely satisfy you, and i mean general terms not sexual. We all have a way communicating love. And it is very important that a couple knows about each others liking's. Some people like being pampered with gifts, some like being loved with words and so on. Point being, its important you sit and think about the things that you want out of life. The things that you like being done to you. Every person has his strengths and weakness. You will have to find out yourself whom you like to be with and with whom you would want to go an extra mile. Some relationships also have a short life, so don't feel bad if you think you've outlived that phase. It is important that you know the value of that relationship. It is not only about being faithful to each other or being nice to each other. But it is important that you both are able to communicate your love to each other and cherish that relationship. There will be stagnant periods in your relationship but does that mean you break off with someone and repeat the cycle with someone fresh ? Am sure not, and am also sure you already know that. So do take some time to introspect about the reasons of being with him. About the things you like about him. About how you want to be loved. And maybe you will be able to get an over view of what you should actually expect from a relationship. If there are things that you don't like about him or things that you want him to do a certain way, then you should tell him that. But if you think that you both are just really good people who care for each other then you must re-adjust the tag of being together. And the reason for this introspection is not to break a relationship but is for you to understand what is it that you eventually are wanting out of life. Finding the so called 'perfect' match, doesn't exist. You have to be with someone who you love, with whom you can communicate your needs and then build & sustain that relationship. I also would repeat to you that thinking about your ex once in a while, having dreams about him is a natural thing. It is because at some point you'll really shared a very good bond. But life has moved on, you have found someone who you like deeply and you should focus on that more than worrying about the other things. Yes, anxiety about knowing who he is with , well that all fades away with time. So keep your self more focused on what you have on hand and all shall be perfectly fine.