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Missing ex after a year

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Six months, we were together for six months, but I have loved him for five years. I was the typical high school story, the weird girl who finally caught the jock's attention and it was like this was the best thing that could ever happen, but it was the worst. Six months of a one sided relationship that only ended with arguments about how I didn't care about him because I wouldn't give him the one thing that actually mattered to me, my virginity. After every fight it was like we had moved passed it. I would tell my friends about the arguments and they would respond with "just leave him" and I would ignore them. How could I leave the person I loved? love.. Skip to September 6th, the day I lost it to my first love, also known as the guy that violated me in the worst way ever. One month later on October 10th, our relationship ended over me asking him to show me that he cared. It ended by his silence. He ignored me at school, the basketball team laughed at me as I cried over him. They all mocked me because he had shown them pictures, pictures that I sent to him, pictures that I thought disappeared after ten seconds. They laughed at me because I was a side piece, who got cheated on the times. They laughed at me because I swore up and down that he loved me as much as I loved him. I wanted to wait until marriage. I gave him pieces of me that I will never get back. Long story short he left me for my "friend", a year later they are super in love and happy. A year later here I am, battling depression and still very single because the thought of giving myself to someone again hurts my soul. I still was sup crying from dreams that I have where he appears. Single because I have "trust issues" and Its still damaged. I just wish I could have listened. I should have listened. I hate him, but not as much as I hate myself for going with him, for opening up to him. Here I am a year later, still wondering if he thinks of me because I think of him...

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