Seems like we drifted apart.....

I have been married for or should I say will be married for 13 years this sunday. We have 5 kids. Seems like lately we are distant and have discussed me taking time away to figure myself out and what I want. Recently my wife has gotten into meditation and such. Which I'm fine with it. I have no interest in it but happy she has found a way to release stress and be more carefree and peaceful. Its good for her because we had issues in the past and she was always on guard or thinking the worst. But now I feel we are different. She always reading about things she is learning with meditation and other stuff. She meditates before bed, reads in the morning. We have had conversations about us being apart, my stresses with my business, my frustrations with the kids and other things. I have been angry or upset a lot. Like all my feelings and stress are hitting me at once. She discussed with me maybe taking a few days and going to visit my father in NC (we live in CT) and seeing what I need to do to wake up or figure out myself. But I own a business and am very busy. Not easy for me to take time off or at least these past months. I guess I am riding out my life. Feel nothing, hate everything. Feel like I should be somewhere else. Want to be alone. She feels like a different person and I feel like we are not the same together. I guess I am trying to figure out if we are dragging out what may be done, or is there a way back, or have we out grown eachother. She was 19 or 20 when we had our 1st kid. All or kids are about a year and a half to 2 years apart, so she has always been pregnant. Did we just rush and dig our selves a hole? I don't even know anymore. I don't want to mess my kids up with divorced parents like I had growing up, but I also don't wanna mess them up staying together if its bad for all. But my wife has basically, since finding her purpose and self, made it that its all on me now....

Hello… You demonstrate a lot of responsibility in trying to hold what is important in your life together – marriage, family, and work. The stress seems to be coming from feeling overwhelmed, less connected to your life partner, and not grounded in something or someone to help you sustain all this much longer. Sounds like both of you have been overextended with commitments to raising your children, working to provide a life style, and just meeting the demands of life, …and things have gotten out of balance from not enough opportunity to recharge either with each other and/or outside sources. Your anger and “feeling nothing” is a symptom of running on empty. It appears your wife has found strength and renewal in her meditation, and see seems to really be into it because it is working for her, an indication that she too has been seeking something to help keep her going. So,.. what is there for you grab on to…to find your strength and renew your purpose? Taking a break may have some merit, but in my opinion it’s going to take more than just a time out. It will take something proactive on your part, and your wife will be taking notice of what you do. Some thoughts and suggestions to consider: (1) basic health needs – nutritious diet, adequate sleep, sufficient exercise; (2) social support and engagements with family and others; (3) professional counseling for yourself; (4) marital counseling; (5) and Most important…nurture your spiritual life. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? He invites us to lay our burdens on Him through our simple prayers, and because of His love for us wants to strengthen and direct our lives with purpose. Much more could be offered on these and other points. Probably feels like a lot. Where to get started? May have to rearrange some priorities. Think small steps, but do take some steps. Would like to keep the conversation going. Will be thinking about you and praying that you find your way back. CROSSroads

Thank you for your response. I don't know what I am missing. Part of it is I have just been "dealing" I guess. I was fresh out of an engagement at an early age and met my current wife. After a year or so she was pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing and I also felt I loved her. I was begged back by my ex fiancé but declined. I never really been single. Always having relationships. Haven't gone to church much since we were married 13 years ago in one. I feel my issues are more than worrying about God. I believe there is a God. I just have a hard time believing much else. But I don't want to get much into a religious discussion. Just trying to figure out a solution. We tried marriage counseling. Didn't work. The woman wanted my wife to see her 1 on 1 for issues she had. Both her parents passed and other things. The woman mentioned maybe going on mild meds just to work through issues, but then my wife said no and never went back. Then my wife would always say she can fix herself, but nothing ever happened.

Hello again… As complex as your situation is, you are invested in figuring something out. Your wife is making suggestions, you are concerned about the effects of divorce in your children, the job is demanding, and you have your own experience of always having been in a relationship, “dealing” with everything that has come your way, wondering what you are missing. I believe you are going to get the best chance for a solution by naming the problem(s) in very direct, personal ways. You could go in a lot of different directions for solutions based on the way you described your situation, and truly all these areas are interconnected, but in a very simple way what is the problem as you see it for yourself in a very personal way at this time. The answer has to have a “I” statement like “I feel…I want…, I think… I need…. It might be a lot easier to problem solve if problems are first laid out, identified in a clear and articulate way. You seem to know what you don’t want, like a discussion about religion at this time, and I respect that. I’m not into discussions about religion either. I just know/believe that God wants to be real and present in our lives, but from our point of view does not always feel that way. Sometimes solutions require creative, out of the box, compromising approaches. What are your thoughts? CROSSroads