My wife cheated

I found out on October 23rd my wife was having an affair with the contractor working on our kitchen. I am so sad and confused. We've been married for 8 years. We have been going to therapy since 2 days after, and she has seemed to be very focused on fixing things and moving on, but I found out tonight she is still emailing with her lover. I had asked and she confirmed as soon as I found out that it would be cut off, but now I am finding out that was a lie too. I am so lost and don't know what to do. We have a 4 year old, and I feel like if I decide to leave than it would be me giving up, but that seems so unfair.

You need to move on!!! Your baby will always be your baby.. She won't change and you need to love yourself..you deserve better so just respect yourself and leave her.

MYWIFECHEATED, I'm so sorry. October 23rd, eh? Bit soon to move on, I imagine. So let's not start 'moving on' by jumping ahead to being divorced, etc., let's not panick. Let's just deal with one thing at a time. I know one thing: if, whatever you aim for, you do everything that is good, right and fair and your responsibility to do as a decent human being, yet remain kind, caretaking and fair to yourself in the meantime (which includes Mini Me, first and foremost), you'll be just fine, very likely even better than fine. You'll be grateful this happened, however it turns out; the question will only be, HOW grateful. And that's up to you: Mona Lisa Smile versus popping the champagne cork! This is how it works. (So now you know why "your mate Dave" is still constantly whinging and gnashing his teeth despite it was over years ago, eh.) First, there is no justification *whatsoever* for cheating; there is nothing that any spouse could have done to her to make her cheating on them excuseable or acceptable.... If you're chronically or over-acutely unhappy with the goings on in a relationship, the presumably intrinsically decent and "raised right", healthy human being (read that phrase again) has only the right to act like the adult they're supposed to be and, [1] ask for a difficult but vital sit-down talk about it all; [2] if that fails, ask for marital counselling so that someone who knows what they're doing (and, with a background in psychology or psychoanalysis, what each of *you* are doing) can help you fix the giant problem; [3] if that fails (due to emotions too high/disturbance and repurcussions too great), agree as amicably as possible (for the sake of the sibling-less kiddie) to a trial separation of whatever length both parties feel comfortable and sensible with, supervised and kept above-board by a solicitor; [4] if that fails or the love proves too weak to weather the test, agree as amicably as possible (for the sake, etc.) to start divorce proceedings. (And then remember to both keep working as a parental team to help kiddie through it as calmly and happily as possible.) ...But - to know what's going through her head - what did she reckon was her 'reason'? And what is she reckoning this second time? What did these emails say or what vein were they in? How many from each side? Who started any exchange? Were they a part of her ending it or very much her preserving or continuing the affair? What, when, who, how, where, what-what-what?, in other words. I'm sure other respondents/advisers would find it useful to know, as well.

(I cannot believe I just misspelled panic and I also cannot bring myself to leave it unaddressed in case my old English teacher somehow finds his way on here and sets me detention or something, LOL, "ermahgeerd". I think that's my cue to go to Bedfordshire.)

Man, first of all that sucks! I’m really sorry this has happened to you. The most important thing to understand is that what she’s done is a reflection on her and not yourself. You’re hurting from this because she’s done this to you. My honest opinion is be a man and walk away with as little discussion or emotion as you can show. Command respect from her and the situation. People don’t change and there’s no magic words to cure them either. Walk away and continue your life, nobody is too special and soulmates do not exist. Onwards and upwards. All the best.

So, I was this wife in my marriage, so let me give you some perspective. Your wife is unhappy. She didn’t just cheat on you out of the blue. I’m not defending her, what she did was wrong, but you have to ask yourself why this happened if you hope to fix the situation . If she is interested in reconciling than maybe she understands something about your relationship that she didn’t see before. Infidelity and breaking up can give you amazing clarity and perspcetive on your relationship. My advice: Don’t give up quite yet. I personally thought therapy was useless, just talk to each other. Say all the ugly hurtful stuff you hate about each other and your relationship and if you can see and change it, do it, it’s worth it! If you can’t than at least you know. Good luck.

Hi The sadness, confusion, and sense of loss you express may only be the surface of how deeply you must be hurting when trust is broken and violated in a committed marriage. Aware of the downside of leaving, you just don’t want to walk away from all that you, and both of you, have invested in your marriage. Usually, when one party “exits” a relationship in the way your wife has behaved, this is often a symptom that something isn’t working for one or both, that needs are not being met. It would seem that together you have taken an important step in going to counseling to repair the damage. You want to make sure you select someone experienced in working with couples. One basic ground rule should be to cease all involvement with any third party so each of you can stay focused on each other. This also may be a good opportunity to assess your marriage overall, and do a “tune-up” after eight years together with all the changes you individually and together went through. So, I would recommend a counselor who uses a marital survey like Prepare-Enrich put out by Life Innovations, Inc. in Minneapolis. You can check this out on line at prepare-enrich.com. This will help you assess your marriage in about 9 areas like communication, conflict resolution, your values on money and parenting, the sexual aspects, spiritual values, your roles and relationship dynamics, etc. The results provide a lot to talk about to get the communication going. Many clergy are also trained in using this instrument. Were you married in a church where faith is the basis of your marriage commitment? Pastors, Priests, and Rabbis can provide counseling from a spiritual perspective. My background is Christian so I think in terms of forgiveness, reconciliation, healing. Having a faith relationship with Jesus and knowing the example of His life can be a source of knowing what to do. He invites us to tell Him what is hurting us. This may be a difficult day to feel Thankful. Working through this challenging episode in your lives will be an opportunity to learn and grow together. I will pray for you and would be interested in hearing how you are doing. CROSSroads

"I feel like if I decide to leave then it would be me giving up" Sounds like you want to make your marriage work. However from what you said above it sounds like she's continually lying, marriage is about trust not tryst. It all depends on how badly she wants to save the marriage. You probably don't want to upset things during the holidays especially having a four Year old child. Some have said some bad things about counseling. Hopefully in your case you both continue to go and come to some resolve.