23 in a 5 year relationship and I'm scared of commitment!
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend a little over 5 years now. Please do not judge me at all. I really do love him but I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore. I am completely comfortable a round him and we do have good times but I feel as if he doesn't really care sometimes. Im the first girlfriend, sex partner, pretty much everything he's ever had. I worry that maybe since I'm his first hes just settled because maybe he doesnt know if hes truly happy or not. I've told him before that I'm scared maybe one day he will leave me because he wants to see what else is out there. I actually broke up with him after dating about two years when he was about to start college because I didn't wanna hold him back from experiences.We ended up getting back together after a week but I think it has to do with routine. Even after I broke up with him we still sent goodnight to eachother and good morning like it felt wierd to go without talking to him.
Now is a bit different though. We have been living together for the past 3 years so if we were to break up it would change both of our lives completely. Mine much more than his seeing that I dont have a vehicle at the moment so I wouldn't have a way back and forth to work. I've been trying to save up for a car but his check has been short and he just recently got a semi good paying job after having a crappy job for two years. Thats not why ive been staying with him though. I'm just stating how different our lives would be. Ive been debating staying with him or leaving him for a long time now.
Sometimes I'm so happy and I feel like hes the one I want to spend my life with and then I go back to not wanting to be with him at all. I'm just so confused. I don't want to end it and that may be the worst mistake ever because maybe he is the one I'm suppose to be with. I know I'm young but its not like he does anything too bad in our relationship, I just cant help the way I feel. ive tried to change the way I feel so many times and I always talk to him and tell him my problems and sometimes he may start doing things a little different but then other times nothing at all changes and he acts like he couldn't care less about what I'm saying. he tells me alot that he doesnt wanna talk about things or we aint gotta do all that is his favorite thing to say.
Now, getting to the please dont judge me part. Ive cheated on him before in the past and now. Its only been for sex only. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend but I was dissatisfied just about our entire relationship. It took me almost 5 years with him to finally have a vaginal orgasm. Sex has gotten better with him now its still so hard for him to last long enough and he hardly ever wants to have sex. I'm ready all the time. With him, he wants it about once or twice a week and I'm young and so is he. hes only 22. I wanna be enjoying life now and we should be having sex all the time. We dont have kids so we have all the time in the world to enjoy eachother now but sometimes he acts like sex is a chore. He doesnt make me feel too wanted.
Im just so confused. I don't wanna lose the love of my life but i also don't wanna end up being unhappy for the rest of my life. My decision also has a lot to do with him. I don't wanna hold him back from maybe finding the love of his life niether. someone that can truly love him the way that I want to but he doesnt deserve to be cheated on because he is a loyal guy. ive never doubted that. I just dont know what to do or how to go about doing anything. Any advice is very appreciated. please nothing negative or mean.
It is tough to have mediocre sex with someone and I know what it is like to think someone else would be better suited to him. He would be a good husband if you were over 60 and your hormones were not what they were. I do not know who you meet or what you want. Do you? I do not know if you are meeting other boys. My suggestion is that you think. If you are unhappy enough to write this than you really are troubled.
I would end it for a year or two. I would be honest about why. I would go out with other people while you still can and if he finds someone else than God bless him. If you get back together neither of you will be the same, but at least you will know why you are there. If you find someone you want to be with - than God bless you.
Remember that everyone every place and every time is different. No one will be the have the same qualities you loved in him, but they will have other ones of their own. It is just a matter of what you want in this life.
I think you know what's happening here . . .
You have spent important years (17 thru 22) with one person and it sounds like the relationship revolved around him and his education and needs.
Now - At 22, you are now getting restless. You have been thinking about this for " a long time" you said.
He now has a good job. He's going to be alright.
It is you who needs to find yourself. You are done bringing him up. Find the independent woman in yourself.
thank you so much for your comment. That really opened my eyes. I have always thought about whats best for him even if it meant me having to work harder or get an extra job. Its just so hard for me to picture myself without him. I dont know if its because I need to stay with him or if its just force of habit and routine not knowing how to do anything different. My entire adult life so far has been with him. I honestly wouldnt know what to do being single. Im not sure how to even go about this.
to !!! I have thought the same exact thing that if maybe I could just fast forward life then maybe this would be the perfect relationship for me. Its just so hard to know where his mind set is sometimes because he hates talking about anything problem related