I think I have depression but its on and off?

I am 13. I think I have depression but I don't really know. I have times where I am very depressed and don't care about myself at all. I would cry at night, it the morning, when I got home from school etc. I would also feel suicidal and once I actually fantasized about my suicide. I would feel like this for about 1-2 weeks. My longest was about 3 weeks. Then, it would go away for weeks, maybe even a month. I was very happy for the new year i put all the past her behind me in 2017. Then, 3 weeks into 2018 (when I started school) I became very paranoid, anxious and unhappy. I felt as if people hated me. I hated myself and all that self love I had for myself had gone and I felt self conscious all the time. I did have the occasional cry and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. However, I still continued with life kind of "happily". When we went on a school break, I felt so free!! I got to sleep in late and eat lots of food...it was great. However, the sooner the days were over, the more anxious I became. And today, I had a full blown realisation that I have to go to school tomorrow. I started to cry and I haven't stopped since. School is my most hated place. It is the place I feel most insecure, attacked by everyone and I just feel cornered. I hate school and I don't want to go back tomorrow. I am feeling very depressed I haven't prepared anything. I didn't finish my homework, brush my teeth tonight, didn't want to eat and I have a sinking feeling inside of me. Hopefully this will go away tomorrow but I have a feeling I will feel like this the rest of the week. I just want to stay in my house forever. I don't want to go out. I really wish I would fall ill so I wouldn't have to go to school. Sorry this is so long. I just have nobody to talk with and I have so many feelings inside of me.

When I was around your age I was very depressed with all aspects of my life. There were times were I would feel happy but they were always short lived. After months of this I finally decided to talk to my mom about it. She got me the help I needed and I slowly started to fell happy again. I reccomend talking to someone you trust about how your feeling and they can help you get better. No one should have to go through what oh are alone. You can also consider talking to a counselor. You have to stop and ask yourself what about school is making you feel so negative? Once you answer that question you can go from there. And always remember that suicide is never the answer.

Thanks for sharing NAVI.0045. This is too important to keep to yourself. Before we get into the reasons why you may feel this way, let's keep you safe! I need you to promise if you ever have serious thoughts of suicide, if you have a specific plan, and if you have the means to complete suicide, that you will contact one of three people that you identify now. These 3 must be people you trust that will stay with you until the threat (feeling) is over. Those three (who could be family members, teachers, coaches, counselors, church leaders, friends, etc) must understand their role to stay with you until safe. This generally means the suicide plan is totally disable! Although you're only 13, the promise means staying away from alcohol and drugs which can lessen inhibitions. There must also be a promise to meet with a professional to help you better understand and deal with these emotional swings. If you are dealing with clinical depression, you may need medication. Ok, that's a start. Please respond with your willingness to comply with this safe plan. Then we will talk more.