I'm just being me

hi im a 21 year old guy from just your average town, i like all the normal things apart from one thing that makes me different. i have a fetish......let me tell you the story before we get carried away. about 3 years ago i was in my house with my girlfriend we were trying new things as you do!! we tried body foods, toys ect but all were boring and just by chance she was really ill then vomited on me, because we were in the heat of the moment we ignored this but after a while the smell invaded my nose and began to smell good. she rubbed hr hands in it and scrubbed it into my chest best night ever this became an everyday session but over time it caused problems my girlfriend developed an eating disorder and in the end died. i dont blame myself as it was her who was sick not me. so now i love girls to be sick all over me, but you would be suprised how hard it is to find a girl who is game!!! i searched old girls young girls married women ect but no joy. i pine for the sweet smell of vomit on my chest and groin, normal sex just wont do it for me now. i feel like a lost soul, i have even been sick all over myself to try and create my fetish but no such luck i have self harmed alot recentley and im losing control, i cry every day and visit the greave of my ex to tell her how selfish she was for passing away! does anybody have advice or help for me??