Trust

I caught my partner of 12 years outside late at night texting someone he said he was not but I had a feeling after being cheated on by my last 2 partners, he was lying so I checked his phone when he was asleep and saw a number of messages to a number (no name) about how he had met up with another woman and he has feelings for her,I confronted him and he said the texts are a set up that he knows I have been checking his phone so he got a female friend of his to put them on to catch me out,the same phone he has said many times he has nothing on it to hide so he does not care who checks it,totally blamed me for the whole thing so I threw him out and finished with him,he said sorry 3 days later said he wants to try again but I don"t know ,he is in his late 60s and I am 10 years younger too old to be playing these childish games,I can not understand either why he has confided in this female friend about how I don"t trust him yet he did not talk to me the trust is certainly gone now and I don"t know if we can ever get it back.

I think it was gd you followed your instincts on this and showed him your not a walk over by kicking him out and ending the relationship. When people are in the wrong, but won't admit it when they get caught, they come out with all sorts of lies, that don't add up. Whats he sorry for if he supposedly hasn't cheated? Unless he can prove to you that's he's not cheated on you, and you got a bit paranoid (understandable if you've been cheated on in the past) then move on.

Bunnyhabit, challenging or critique-ing other members' posts or advice is the exclusive job of a moderator (moi). Thank-you. I see no call for criticism in this instance. None whatsoever. And, FYI - no, he wouldn't necessarily delete them. Not if he wanted them to pose as emotional manipulation tools ("Do whatever it is I want or the other woman gets me!"), i.e. didn't happen to have a real-life woman handy for stoking jealousy in 2SOFT so simply fabricated one, with or without a third party's assistance (he might well have sent the texts from another, secret phone). It's called Triangulation if you want to Google it? 2SOFT, Suggest you Google "Narcissistic Boyfriend". And then, if you identify him, feel free to come back and discuss your findings.

I think we all can support your reasonable suspicion, especially based on past experiences. After 12 years I’m thinking you have feelings for this individual and may be willing to work out the relational issues. By sharing with us, it also suggests you may want to keep him under more unsuspecting conditions. So……….. Communication is critical in all good relationships, as is trust. Ask yourself what it would take to trust him again. Whatever that may be for you, make it measurable for both of you. That is, know when these boundaries have been broken. This may include access to one another’s social networks (phone, facebook, twitter, etc) even without request. This could include credit card access also, assuming you may have separate accounts. How about the ability to check in with each other whenever and whereever? Understandably, these checks and balances suggest a very untrusting relationship, but that is what you have now. Finally, you may want to get a promise from him that this is and will be an exclusive relationship. One way to do this is to marry him. No guarantees with this, but it may crystallize the relationship.

(happy) (A) Thank you to everyone who sent advice I have decided to try again with my partner it is not easy and will take a long time if ever to get the trust back but 12 years is a lot of time to just throw away.This forum has been a real help to me.

Good for you, 2 SOFT. Good luck.