10 year relationship wasted
How does a man who you have spent 10 years with all of a sudden change his demeanor, personality and becomes the complete opposite of what he was? My situation- I was common law married with him for 10 years, we met in college it was love at first sight. I would say the first few years were AMAZING, however the relationship with his family and I deteriorated when they kicked us both out when we lived together with them for roughly 2 years. He had cut out all communication with them for many years because of what they had done to us. However they started coming around and trying to communicate with him, and they did but it was very rare. I guess what they did to us really affected Our relationship and my relationship with them.
I wont get into the details, but I just couldn't keep living there with his family. Anyways the day that we were moving our things they decided to make an argument and throw all of our things outside. Fast forward 8 years from that, all of those years since that incident there was a lot of resentment on my part that YES, I will admit sometimes I wouldn't let him go see his family. I Deeply regret this, I should have never done that. However, I started coming around and I told him that it was best that he go see them. He would always say NO I don't want to.
My fiancé was with me in the Good and the bad. When I had to be hospitalized or had doctors appointment you name it. He was always there. His actions gave me a reason to trust him so I did. I told him my most deepest secrets, my goals, my dreams of our future together EVERY LITTLE THING. He became my best friend, My Fiance, He was the PERFECT MAN. I know I wasn't an easy person to deal with sometimes, but I WOULD NEVER EVER try to harm or hurt him in any away. To me he was my world. I cherished all the little moments together he was my world.
Last year His family started harassing us and decided to show up at our place and bother the neighbors asking if they had seen my fiancé. His father would show up in the parking lot when I arrived home from work wanting to know about his son. I get it, they were angry because they barely got to see him. I spoke with my Fiance and told him that he needed to go see them. He would get upset with me and say " NO I don't want to see them or speak to them" to what I replied " Ok, but they are obviously angry and they probably think that im not letting you see them. Please just go speak to them! He would always say NO.
Months went by, and last year after 9 years together I started to notice changes in him. He stopped sleeping with me, and it got so bad that we started sleeping in different rooms. He started acting like an A** h***. Don't really know what other word to put to describe how he was acting but it was just Bad. Arguments were the norm at this point, and I felt helpless. Looking back I should have sought help for both of us. Last year I end up hospitalized for a few months and I lost all memory. When I regained all my memory back I realized that he had drugged me. I don't know what he gave me as it did not show on the blood panel, and the hospital didn't really check for rehypnol and many other. After being discharged from the hospital I was taken to live with my mom and sister ( for 3 months I was a zombie, as I had lost all of my memory). He would stop by to visit but I noticed that he would say " well gotta go, see you tomorrow I have to go see my parents" or " tomorrow is the Christmas party, if you want to come you can but if you don't im still going to go" " Hey so I don't know but maybe I want to move out of state, ive also been looking into going back to college" ( It hasn't been a month since getting discharged and this is his behavior towards me) Our relationship was very close we did most things always together; shopping, movies, events, parties etc. Remember how he had said back then that he didn't want to see his family?!! how is it that I end up in the hospital and im staying at my moms, and instead of trying to spend time with me, he is running around with his family, his coworkers, hanging out at bars, going with friends.. going bowling etc. When we were together he never really went out to bars, drink, or do much with friends and if he did which was maybe once a year I would always come along as we are a couple.
I know that he was the reason I ended up in the hospital but WHY? Why did he hurt me in such a way? how is it that a person can be a certain way for 10 years and then POOF he just switches!!! I know he was feeling tired of not having much money and that he was tired of working at a dead end job. But why not just leave? why did he have to go to such lengths? He recently started telling me that he feels a lot of resentment towards me and that hes been heartbroken many times and that he spent so many years doing what I wanted to do. However 2 years into our relationship he wanted to marry me and I told him if he could wait til I was done with school. He proposed the idea that he would help me financially until I was done. After I had my degree I would financially help him so he could go fulltime to school and I would help him financially. That was our plan. How can he have resentment when he agreed to this plan?! I don't get it!! I had stopped seeing him for months because I knew what he had done , and thought that it would be best to stay away. However, I lost a very close friend of mine and I ran to him...I know I should not have but I missed US..I missed the close relationship we had at one point and that when one person was down the other would cheer up the other with funny jokes or just that physical hug he always gave me.
Since losing my friend, I started hanging out with him again. Im willing to forgive everything he did to me, I know its crazy but I Love him. He told me for months that he was going to resign the lease and that he would stay there, and now when it came time to giving him an answer, He replies " too late ive made my decision im going to finish my college degree and will be moving in with my parents." I was devastated yet again! How could I have been so stupid to believe that he would renew. I don't know why, or who made him change his mind but he did. I go some mornings to our apartment when hes at work, and just look at our picture frames, our bed, our books, movies.. and I cry and cry. I just cannot understand how a person can just LEAVE. My response to him leaving was " how can you as my partner, who has been with me for 10 years, know my situation and what im going through, just grab your things and say "well im leaving im gonna be going to school full time and I will come and see you when I can, when I have the time"
How can he respond to me by saying "Not everything is about you I have to follow my own path and you have to follow yours, we are still together im not Leaving you im just moving" I respond and say " How can you tell me this?! If you knew you had to follow your own path you should have left years ago, instead of wasting 10 years of my life?! someone that cares and loves someone doesn't just Leave especially someone that is still not fully recuperated!! NO! they fight for the person they love regardless of obstacles. " I tell him I don't want to keep living at my moms, I want to move back in here, I need stability...JUST STAY PLEASE. He responds " your not changing my mind the decision has been made and what you say or do will not change my mind, sorry". Everything about him is different, his social media is filled with sexual jokes, half naked women. This is degrading to me because he has pictures of us together, honestly its embarrassing but I have lost all of my dignity begging him to stay. His demeanor is very grotesque, and ugly. The person he was before would NEVER EVER post pictures of half naked women, and very explicit videos...How did he go from being very nice, caring, polite, respectful to this in the last year? I just don't get it? HOw? why? I feel like I wasted 10 years that I will never get back with someone who truly never cared :( I feel like the person I met no longer exists. How do I move on, when I have so many feelings and memories of us, I go to a restaurant or a song comes on, it reminds me of him and i just completely break down, its embarrassing and pathetic. I have lost all of my dignity with begging him to stay for a whole month and all he could says is that nothing will change his mind end of discussion. What I don't understand is why he is hurting me emotionally playing with my feelings, was sending me to the hospital not enough? Why keep hurting me.
I get that you love him. And I'm sorry for your pain. But it's clear he no longer loves you, and/or no longer wants to be with you. I don't mean to be harsh, but you're making this sound way more complicated than it is.
Fact is, it doesn't matter how. It doesn't matter why. All that matters is how he treats you today. He keeps hurting you because you keep going back. It's well past time for you to move on. I know it will be painful. But after 24 years with someone who hurt me like this, I wish someone had been this honest with me. Whether it's 10 years or 24, it's only a waste if you don't learn and grow from the experience.