No desire no orgasms

I am a 19year old female in a relationship with a man I love so much (my age), and I know he loves me too. He would do anything for me. I had a normal childhood, no history of abuse, nothing. Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years, but we started dating at school when we both still lived with our parents. Obviously sex was a little difficult hiding it from them, and so we went on holiday together 5 months after we started dating. Lets just say it was obvious to my parents what we were up to, and it didn't really help that my mum didn't really know him that well at the time when I announced this. Her first question was - will you be sharing a bed - I couldn't lie so I said yes. She put me on the pill and then didn't speak to me for a week - her eldest daughter had finally grown up - Dad always kept his thoughts to himself, but I'm sure he probably didn't approve either - but I thought that 5 months was long enough, I thought I was ready for sex, my desire was overwhelming at times, but our first time was on holiday. It was painful (we used a condom and it didn't really work out) and I didn't really enjoy it, neither of us orgasmed. We had sex another 3 times that holiday, but I didn't really feel anything - I thought this was normal, cos its not meant to be perfect straight away, right? So anyway sex has always been difficult territory with my boyfriend, as opportunity, time and place have always factored into it. Not to mention my mum's disapproval at the first time we had sex. Don't get me wrong, me and my mother have a wonderful relationship, but I could never talk to her about sex, I think she is celibate, she's said things to me like "I couldn't ever have sex with a house full of kids, there is no privacy" and when I had the sex talk aged 16, she said basically said that I shouldn't have sex until I am living with the guy in our own place and married... I don't share those same ideals, but since then I guess it has been drummed into my head that sex is wrong. I can't concentrate during sex, I love foreplay but I hate the act itself, it's like he's just using me to masturbate, I get no pleasure out of it whatsoever, never had an orgasm, with him or on my own with a bullet. We are now at separate universities (an hour apart by train) so we visit each other every 2 weeks or so, which makes sex predictable because although he has never pressured me explicitly, I still feel like I should, for him if anything. I feel so bad for him cos when I told him that the sex was predictable, he was upset and said, in exactly these words, "I just want to sweep you off your feet" - he is so romantic and caring, loving, affectionate, not abusive at all, yet I still hate the idea of sex or orgasms. I have tried using lube and it helps, but I still don't find it pleasurable, I have no desire for it at all. I am seeing a counsellor soon to talk about this, and my other existing problems of low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, etc. but this post was sent just to see if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Sweetnes. Initially a lady doesn't enjoy sex because the first time incoperates the breaking of virginity which by the way they say its painfull. What could prove to be of help to you would be talking to your boyfriend about this issue. And even during lovemaking, talk to your partner share your feelings. Most importantly put your mind to it, go with the flow, erase any negative thoughts about sex. This could help improve your sex life and even help your boyfriend because soon he might think you have something against him. Don't loose your boyfriend over sex

The advice you got was good....here is one extra thought: when you said you feel like he's using you to masturbate, here's a couple things to consider. Sex is as old as life itself. While our parents and religion, etc, give us many negative thoughts, sex is meant to be beautiful and pleasurable to both partners. If you are religious, you can consider it a gift from God. My other thought is, while the final outcome is for your BF to ejaculate, it should/can also be pleasurable for the woman. It's good you discovered that lubrication helps you. Here's my main idea: try being the one on top, then you can control the speed and sensations, and you will feel less like you're being used, but you're the one who's in charge. Enjoy the power! P.S. I could give lots of pointers about climaxing too. Personally, I could never orgasm using a bullet or even with my BF inside me. For most women it takes "direct" stimulation to the clitoris (small bud outside the vagina) and using a finger or maybe a pulsating vibration is the way. It only works for me if my legs are very straight and I sorta have to tense them as I rub my clit very quickly. Your BF sounds sweet....remember that communication is the key. Kept talking to him and you two will work it out. Good luck, Tara

I think you need some sex education cause there is nothing wrong with you at all :-) Every woman I have ever known can ONLY orgasm with direct clitoral stimulation - it is very rare for a woman to orgasm through penetration. Why not just let him give you a bf and then swap? That way you both orgasm and neither is being "used". I think you will be just fine.

I am a 50 year old man who suffers the same problem. I think it is one of a number of causes. 1: Your parents have made you feel that sex is wrong in some way . . . or 2: You are thinking of your boyfriend in a romantic way, which is over-riding the erotic sensations that drive us to orgasm. Suggestion: try having sex somewhere where there is a tiny risk of getting caught naked in the act, you would be amazed how much difference a bit of risk makes.