Can't cope much longer?

Came to this site because I have no one to talk to, and I do apologise for venting it out on you guys but here it goes... I'm 28 years old and absolutely detest my life and who I am as a person. Since I was a little girl I've always been kinda rejected socially since nursery school, never could make friends, however I wasn't a shy kid either and tried even through teenage years to get along with people. Wheno i was 6 years old I had a friend who lived on the same street and I would be at her house everyday. I don't actually remember much which is weird because I remember things before this time but my friends dad abused me for 4 years until I told my mum. All I remember is that I had to do over 10 hours of video tape interviews (can't remember) and being at crown court. Actually only had 2 friends and that's my cousin and my friend chris I've known since school. When I was 17 I was working full time in a bar and loved it. Made friends with most, went out drinking together most days after work...everything was good. Met my first boyfriend at 17 and was with him 9 years. I was physically and mentally abused I lost my friends and total respect from my family because of this and also a criminal record from it. I started to take drugs to cope with living in that relationship taking speed to help me work fulltexperience during the day as he wouldn't allow me to sleep and other horrific things. He was also an alcoholic. In 2015 I was offered a job in South east Asia as a sales manager and met my current boyfriend who I am now working back in the UK with living together. I also lost our unborn baby recently at 6 months back in June. I am.now back.on speed secretly and smoking weed to sleep. I have constant anxiety and can't go to work without amphetamines...when I don't take the drugs I become severely depressed and I'm scared to go there